Ask Not What You Can Do For James Brown, Ask What Can James Brown Do For You

In the case of James Brown's death, I'm on Stage Three: Bargaining. "Oh, benevolent all-knowing Being", my tearful negotiations would begin, "How about we offer you a different but infinitely less-talented past-it performer like John Cougar Mellencamp or Carlos Santana to kill instead?" The sadness is multiplied when you realize we now have nobody to pen triumphant funk credos extolling the strength and dignity of can-do self-reliance. You know the types of songs I mean: those sassy pumped-up tunes like Brown's own I Don't Want Nobody To Give Me Nothing (Open Up The Door I'll Get It Myself) or Brown-protege Marva Whitney's You Got To Have A Job. I've already accepted the challenge and written a number of New Style songs for today's (man's man's man's) world. Or as we'd say in Brown-speak: I wanna get up and do my thang:

Don't Be Sending Me My Yahoo E-Mail Password (It Will Come To Me Eventually)

I Don't Need You To Spot Me (On The YMCA's Recline Bench Press)

Ain't Nobody Going To Process My Groceries (Give The People Self-Check Registers At Trader Joe's)

Don't Be A Quitter (Say It Loud - Smoke Yourself Proud)

Get Up, Get Involved, Get Into That Banana Republic Silk/Cashmere V-Neck Sweater On Your Own (The Sales Clerk Is Just Talkin' Loud & Sayin' Nothing)

I Can't Stand Myself (When You Touch Yourself) (Papa's Got A Brand New Bag Of Viagra)

Stacks of Wacks

Big deal. So a guy buys a Velvet Underground acetate at a yard sale for 75 cents and discovers it could be worth $150,000. I've got boxes full of those same acetates taking up space all over my house. I'm using one as a mouse pad right this minute. Hell, I've been making them into vinyl ashtrays to catch the ash off my $50-a-day smoking habit. If all you drooling indie kids are that ga-ga over all of this, a cheaper alternative might be to head over here where my man Taste has those same hella-rare tracks available as a free download. If you're still anxious to spread some green around, why not consider buying this shit-awful indie-by-the-numbers comp off me that I stupidly picked up used a few weeks back? It's got all the darlings of the ATP crowd, which just happen to be all the bands I hate with a violent, seething red-eyed anger: Modest fucking Mouse, Elliot fucking Smith, Pedro the fucking Lion, Minus the fucking Bear, Of fucking Montreal, etc, etc. My going price just happens to be, oh, say, $150,000.

The Reality Of It All

Due to my hectic career as a renowned creator of hit reality television shows, it sometimes takes me a long while to find time for a posting or two. Currently, I'm working on an offshoot of The Biggest Loser where, instead of overweight Americans resisting the temptation of food, we'll have wasted rockers struggling to avoid the downward spiral of excessive drug addiction. After hurtling gauntlets of managers with platters of pills and groupies offering bowls of coke, contestants will face the weigh-in, where the boniest post-rehab musician gaining the most pounds each week is declared the winner. I'm also developing a reality show for MTV wherein Neu!-influenced indie rockers--desperately attempting to prove their Krautrock credentials--will live together in a locked guarded house, keeping a 4/4 motortik rhythm going for the duration of an entire TV season. I'm placing my bets on Fujiya & Miyagi who, on the basis of Casettesingle and Conductor 71, could probably play this steady beat until Our Savior Jesus comes back to destroy the earth. Lucky for them, using a drum machine is not considered cheating.

The Agony Of Defeat Of The Pun Of The Agony Of Da Feet

Perhaps it's due to my freakishly large shoe size and thighs of titanium, but when I jog, I book. So even though it was made for running, the new long-playing corporate-ass-kissing concoction by James Murphy (mouthpiece of LCD Soundsystem) entitled 45:33 (Tales of Topographic Oceans was already taken?) is more suited to the Poky Little Puppy sweatin' to the oldies while plodding on the 3.3 setting of a treadmill (if you're anxious to just do it, it's currently being offered for free by my close personal friend Taste*). More likely, you'll catch me speeding past you to the live LCD Soundsystem concert being offered at Live Bootleg. It sprints along at a much more brisk clip, and helps me keep these buns of steel tighter than a clogged sink at the Playboy mansion**.

*Apparently, the Man made him take it down.
**Like you, I have no idea what that means.

Black Is The Color Of My True Love's Hair Is The New Black

Free Jazz and I are like oil and water: specifically, I'm the cheap rusty sludge coming from the faucet, and Free Jazz is the fancy aged European olive oil in a thick hand-crafted dark brown bottle. But in the Salad Bowl of Art-Damaged Free-Form Squealing, Patty Waters and I blend into a harmonius mixture of flavors, thanks to her notorious squawk-fest Black Is The Color Of My True Love's Hair. Ms. Waters takes this oft-covered Old World folk tune and bites it raw, spitting it out onto your lap like so much chewed Play-Doh. You haven't heard singing this deranged since Yoko Ono metaphorically fell into bed with Ornette Coleman and birthed Aos, the illegitimate love child which split up The Beatles. If, like me, you haven't yet learned how to suck at the nipple of the Free Jazz teat, skip on over to Destination Out where you can discover Patty Waters and more at A Beginner's Guide To Free Jazz, proof positive that the freshness date on your current favorite music genre expired at least 40 years ago.

Laughter Is The Best Way To Make Fun Of Those Less Intelligent Than You

Giggles came a-plenty earlier today when I was lucky enough to witness the spectacled, pasty white, Rebel-Without-A-Grill, Yo La Tengo-worshipping music store clerk at my local CD chain store as he attempted to help a thuggish, rough-looking gangsta Snoopafella figure out which artist performs "Slam Dat Ass" and "I Wanna Fuck You" (predictably, the Decemberists devotee came up blank.) I haven't laughed that hard since I downloaded (almost) the entire thrash metal oeuvre of Boston's bad boys Anal Cunt, freely available at Loadown. If I can't laugh at tracks like Pottery Is Gay, Recycling Is Gay, The Internet Is Gay, Windchimes Are Gay, Harvey Korman Is Gay, All Our Fans Are Gay, I Noticed That You're Gay, If You Don't Like The Village People You're Fucking Gay, The Word "Homophobic" Is Gay, I Just Saw The Gayest Guy On Earth, Song Titles Are Fucking Stupid and Having to Make Up Song Titles Sucks, I don't want to be part of your revolution.

When This Blog's-a-Thrashing, Don't Come a-Smashing

No recent postings does not mean I'm lazy. I've simply been busy negotiating with Google, who--still high from their recent You Tube purchase--are now offering to buy my shit-hot Disco:Very for a reported $800 billion (their reasoning: when your readers are apparently too intimidated to post comments, it's gotta be the greatest blog around.) My woeful lack of public appearances makes me similar to the sad hairless Chihuahua genius we call Billy Corgan, and like Mr. Rat In A Cage, I'm here to tell you that great things are on track for the future. As some of you know I am indeed blogging again; blogging that comes from a place so pure it will burn the lies off the very souls of those who try to discount it. I have arrived at a place in my life where truth and honesty prevail and I am creating from that place, a place I call Honesty Prevails Village, a gated community for tortured artists and the people who suffer along with them. Be sure to visit the gift shop.

Shot From A Canon

If Paul Schrader can pick the The Big Lebowski for his Film Cannon (in the September/October issue of Film Comment)--choosing it, mind you, before Sunset Boulevard, Gun Crazy and Salvatore Giuliano--I feel I can safely place Strum & Drum by the Sex Clark Five way up high at the top of my Definitive All-Time Greatest Albums Of All Time List (Canon). The angelic vocals of Fool I Was, those tentative White Boy rhythms in Alai, the curious subject matter blending the quest for nervous love (If You See Her With Me (Let Me Know), Girls Of Somalia) with precise descriptions of geo-political conflicts (Sarajevo)...all of it would sit nicely on my Western Canon trophycase (next to The Residents' Third Reich And Roll, Daniel Johnston's Hi. How Are You? and The Fall's This Nation's Saving Grace).

Another Kind Of Fire by Edie Carey: I like to extinguish fires by pissing on them. Plus, I avoid drinking fluids so my pee is thick and dark yellow. Did I mention I've also got blood in my urine?

Most Imperfect Skies by Don't Die Cindy: I used to hate you for your awful band name alone, but now thanks to your dumb-fuck album titles, I have a whole new layer of froth forming in my mouth.

The Makings Of Me by Monica: Judging by your provacative album cover, you have all the makings of a topless turd. A turd which is also a giant 'ho. Henceforth, you will answer to the name 'Ho Turd.

Lovers Requiem by I Am Ghost: You're the creepy, scary goth ghost of my nighmares, and when you sing "Pretty People Never Lie, Vampires Really Never Die", I thank Lucifer you're a ghost instead of a vampire, because I want assurance that you will die. Very, very soon. Like, yesterday.

Still Searching by Senses Fail: Congratulations! You've scored a 10-point field goal in the Soccer Game of Suck.

Vultures by Smile Empty Soul: The sound of choking on one's own vomit, for an entire album. It gets worse: it's a concept album.

One More Drifter In The Snow by Aimee Mann: Let's hope nobody sends out a rescue team.

We Couldn't Think Of A Title by Psychostick: Although they're as entertaining as Open Mic Night at Catch A Rising Star, I couldn't think of an insult more hurtful than this: They're from Phoenix.

I Love You by Diana Ross: Hell hath no fury like a woman with a botched face tuck, especially when her last hit was during the Mesozoic Era.

I Don't Care Where I Go When I Die by Gaza: With song titles like "Pork Finder", "Slutmaker" and "Hospital Fat Bags", I think it's safe to say nobody else cares where you go when you die, either.

Smile...It Confuses People by Sandi Thom: Does Ms. Thom have to pay Hot Topic royalties when she cribs her album titles off those half-inch buttons with wacky phrases they sell? Youth wants to know!

Suck Not, Lest Ye Be Sucked

The genius of Walt C. goes beyond what mortals would term "music". In other news, Modest Mouse has announced they will once again be postponing their forthcoming album We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank, vowing to keep working on it day and night until it no longer sucks. Accomplishing this Herculean task puts the new release date sometime in the year 5048.

Mopey's Choice

Which is worse: hearing the original version of "In A Big Country" performed by Big Country, or the yuppie FM-lite version on that icky-twee Kohl's commercial? Would you rather endure the faux-50's stylings in Grease or this sickening embroidery pattern? When I'm in the mood to hear moody opera pop, I pick Sigur Ros, except when they dawdle between albums, in which case I head towards the upstart quasi-Sigur Ros-esque-ness of Faunts, who creates, well, high expecations with High Expectations (on their debut CD High Expectations/Low Results). Sure, Gone With The Day sounds a bit too too too, but if there aren't any Icelandic post-rock albums appearing on the (tundra) horizon, what else am I supposed to do--sit around and pout? It's not like I can embroider one of my own.

An Open Letter To Perpetrators Of School Violence

Will all of you psychotic gun-toting maniacs please stop killing innocent children in America's classrooms, if only for another week or so? Because everytime you unleash your weapons, it takes away from the Foley scandal in the mainstream news, and if there is one thing I love, it's watching Republicans writhe in agony like the fuck pigs they are. Besides, they'll be plenty of other completely horrifying news topics in the coming weeks to take our minds off sexual predators in U.S. government. As for today's take on music: bla bla bla Beyond Istanbul bla bla bla Underground Grooves of Turkey, bleh bleh bleh Depresyondayım and Reggae Turca Tone etc etc etc. Forgive my lack of enthusiasm but it's hard to stay interested in music when you're living in a deranged country where war mongers are hell bent on pushing us all towards Armageddon.

Sweden Is Alright, If You Like Saxophones

My deep forbidden love of International Harvester is an open book. It's the secret diary I leave lying around, unlocked. So why don't I love Arbete Och Fritid the same way, seeing how they grew from the same mighty musical acorn? Easy: saxophones. I hate saxophones. Small parts of Petrokemi Det Kan Man Inte Bada I, for instance, make me urinate with glee, but then that damn saxophone comes in and my ears slam shut. Thank gawd they also play flutes, making it that much easier to rationalize my narrow music tastes. PS: If you don't hear from me for a long while, it's because I'm entering a rehabilitation clinic for treatment of alcoholism (apparently, it's a cure-all for sexual orientation--who knew?

Butt Trumpet

Sweet holy Jesus on a rotoblade! Pink Tentacle is offering up the entire You Tube music video collection of the completely kick-ass Japanese psych-punk band Yura Yura Teikoku. It's during such times as watching the video for Rame No Pantalon that I'm happy to still have a 9-year-old's sense of humor.

Xenu, Save Me From This Wall Of Fire!

When someone is the sole survivor of, say, a crowded fiery building and claims that God was looking out for them that fateful day, what they're really saying is, at that particular moment, The Almighty Huzzah wasn't so interested in saving anyone else's life and, therefore, abandoned the unfortunate others to their pyro-infested passing. In other words, God knows I'm really good at praying. I imagine this is what Beck thought when he channeled L. Ron Hubbard before embarking on his new album The Information, thus giving him the power to smite his enemies on the Billboard Top 100. But will he be able to keep that pace on the charts with such boring trifle as We Dance Alone and Cellphone's Dead?

Thank you, but I'll stick to the fuzzy funky shoulda-been-hits of Itavayla (Children Of Tomorrow and Hyperborea, in particular), which effortlessly reach their magnificence by keeping their groove to the grindstone. I'd like to say they're better songwriters but it might just be they're more, I don't know, blessed.

Har De Har Har

There are times when multi-band performer Munly shoulders the tired-and-dull country/punk routine but embellishes it with a fresh, ragged pop approach (Chutzpa), and then there are those other times, when he's veering this close to the wretched excess of mid-80's roots rock bands, performing songs about mountain stills and hoedowns (Seven Warts On Pa's Belly). Throw in the occasional violin, and you've got the reason an entire generation grew up hating Camper Van Beethoven. On a further downside: songs about trains. On the upside: regrettably unique band photos portraying Munly as a skin-and-bones concentration camp victim.

Their Jeans Runneth Over

Has there ever been a better band name than Pissed Jeans? Well, besides Bathtub Shitter, of course. But their amusing monker isn't the only attractive weapon in the sonic arsenal of this Allentown, Pennsylvania outfit: with Boring Girls, they've found a way to write the world's first one-chord song. It basically plays itself. They'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect monotony.

A Tricked Out Stingray

Here's what I think happened: All the creatures in the Kingdom we call Animal are able to talk clearly to each other, easy, and some alligator who was tired of being teased and taunted with pieces of meat and dangling babies passed it on down the line that it was time for revenge. Eventually, it reached Stella the Stingray, who decided it was time to teach this uppity Aussie that payback is a bitch. Another theory I possess: because His Funkiness The Pope-ster insulted the world's Muslims with his teasing and taunting, some Turkish Stingray terrorist is going to taunt and tease his ass during his visit next month, the same way the jocks used to tease and taunt the algebra prodigies at my grade school cafeteria at lunch time. The Turks are all, "We're going to kick your ass after school, your Eminence!". It's the same exact story, only way, way less violent and lacking a soundtrack. I would score this fight scene with Mazhar ve Fuat/Turkuz Turku Cagiririz and/or Uc Hurel/Hurel Arsivi, both taken from one of the latest in the Love, Peace & Poetry series, Turkish Psychedelic Music. How do you cry "Uncle!!" in Turkish? Be sure to visit The Crocodile Hunter website, which pays loving tribute to Irwin, offering dozens of pictures showing him as he harasses various wild animals in every corner of God's great land.

When Hairy Met Smally

A Conversation Between Sufjan Stevens and David Byrne
Sufjan: What's your favorite episode of Sex & The City?
David: I love the one where Carrie can't get Aidan to have sex with her and she's wondering why he's holding out because, you know, men are dogs.
Sufjan: Is that the one where Miranda is rocking the Prada ankle strap in that awesome green shade?
David: That's the one, girl.
Sufjan: I've got to get me a pair of those. My favorite episode is when Charlotte is doing the guy with the uncut penis--
David: --and Samantha's ex is now a drag queen?
Sufjan: --with the Gucci white suede lace ups?
David: That one kills me every time!
Sufjan: It's between that one and the one where Charlotte is turning 36 and can't believe she's still not married. What girl can't relate to that?
David: I like watching reruns of that one just to catch glimpses of that Fendi purse Charlotte is using--do you know the one?
Sufjan: The pink one? That purse is so you!
David: I always wanted that purse but could never afford it.
Sufjan: Just like Miranda wanted to have a baby and couldn't figure out how to juggle motherhood and a career.
David: She sure figured out how to juggle all that with her Mission wrap skirt!
Sufjan: Those girls are so lucky to be able to live in New York City and afford all those great clothes and shoes...
David: (sigh) Some girls have all the luck...
Sufjan: (sigh) Yeah...
David: Yeah...(sigh)
Sufjan: (sigh)
David: So, have you heard any songs by Victoria?
Sufjan: No, not yet. Do you think any mp3 blogs will post anything by them?
David: Let's hope so.

Don't You Point Those Things At Me Unless You Mean Business, Mister!

The Today Show hasn't been very forthcoming on this topic but Meredith Vieira has also joined DiscoColonVery.net as a sparkly new co-host. The only difference here is that, due to her puke-filled taste in music, she won't be saying anything or posting anything. If it was up to her, you'd be downloading files by Today Show Concert Series artists like John fucking Mayer and The Beach fucking Boys. Thankfully, my rampant narcissism dictates that I control every facet of this website, which means you'll instead be listening to Duchess Says, the new rebel-yell outfit taking France by hook and dagger via Black Flag and Rabies (Babies Got The). Make yourself useful, Meredith dear, and get me some ice for my Hot Toddy. If the cubes are stuck together, you can always break them apart with Matt Lauer's nipples.

Mein Leben ist Scheißewelt

Sure, you could say the forthcoming long-player Visitations from Clinic is more of the same thing they've been doing since their inception, hoisting ever-so-slight variations of past tunes onto the unsuspecting public in tracks like The Seeker, Harvest, Tusk and Paradise. Then again, you could say the same thing about Disco:Very, the only blog willing to tell the same exact joke again and again in posting after posting. Once you give up hope of ever winning a Bloggie, you don't sit around wasting time worrying about staying fresh day after day...

I Tried To Pawn My Family Jewels But I Was Politely Told They Hold No Value

Sometimes you're just standing around, scratching your big hairy balls (or, if you're a woman, your firm perky breasts) and some song which had previously alluded you suddenly grabs hold of your imagination and slams it onto the city sidewalk (I usually readjust my rocks on public streets.) "Take me," it screams, "I am a catchy song you have failed to notice before! Use me to your satisfaction!" Such was my testicle-related epiphany when I finally heard Over and Over by Hot Chip on my iPod last week. This also happened to me last month with You Can Decide by Field Music. I'd heard these tracks before but never actually listened to them, in much the same way you hear Andre Rieu play his fiddle during those endless PBS pledge drives, but you're not really listening to him because you're too busy thinking, "Holy shit, does he really leave the house with that fucking hairdo?"

I promise: only one more day of non-mp3-related postings. It's time for me to get all NPR on your ass as I offer my opinionated takes on the more noteworthy films I just saw at the 33rd Annual Telluride Film Festival:

Day Night Day Night (2006) An intensely focused young woman of indeterminate geography prepares--with highly ritualized precision--for a mysterious task, the purpose of which only becomes clear in the story's final act. Director Julia Loktev's skills as a video installation artist and documentary filmmaker serve to heighten the mystery and tension of her polarizing first feature film. Winner of the Prix Regards Jeune (Directors' Fortnight) at the 2006 Cannes Film Festival.

Babel (2006) From the team who brought us Amores Perros (screenwriter Guillermo Arriaga and director Alejandro Gonzales Inarritu), this wide-reaching story revolves around a random, almost accidental, act of bloodshed, connecting three disparate lives in Tokyo, Morroco and Mexico. A sprawling meditation on prejudice, communication and loneliness.

Severance (2006) All the conventions of slasher films are dutifully enacted and toyed with, as a UK office of employees embark on a weekend retreat of “team-building" excercises, getting picked off one by one by an unseen predator in an onslaught of pitch black humor. Director Christopher Smith's comedic gore-fest will have you hiding your eyes while howling with laughter.

Little Children (2006) Two emotionally and sexually frustrated spouses embark on a secret affair, with harrowing results. The long-awaited follow-up to Todd Field's acclaimed debut In The Bedroom.

Ten Canoes (2005) Longtime Australian filmmaker Rolf de Heer weaves Aboriginie folk tales and magical realism in his 11th feature film (winner of a special jury prize at the 2006 Cannes Film Festival), the first shot entirely (save for the narration) in an Aboriginal language.

Playtime (1967) This densley-packed comedy from Jacques Tati reveals fresh insights with every screening, but especially the two times I've been lucky enough to catch a rare 70mm print. While much is made of the film's pointed commentary on the encroachment of soulless modernism, I have always found the final thirty minutes or so (about the time the Royal Garden restaurant descends into gleeful anarchy, showing how humanity can overcome stilted physical barriers) to be some of the most uplifting storytelling in cinematic history.

Civic Life (2004) Filmmakers Christine Molloy and Joe Lawlor allow their camera to gently swoop in, around and above the tableaus they arrange within various middle-class neighborhoods in the UK, reacting to and commenting on the suburban space surrounding the non-actors placed amongst the well-rehearsed chaos.

Remorques (1941) A rugged tugboat captain is forced to face the consequences after neglecting his long-suffering wife while finding himself falling for another woman. Stars the always-wonderful Jean Gabin, among many others.

The Lives Of Others (2005) Quite possibly the only film every audience enjoyed unanimously, screenwriter/director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck's feature debut explores the effects of East Germany's sinister Stasi brigade as they conduct secret surveillance on citizens while struggling against a smothering totalitarianism.

Time didn't permit me to see The Page Turner (2006), Passio (2006), Dodsworth (1936) and The Emperor's Naked Army Marches On (1987). Instead, I wasted my time watching Infamous (2006), which tells roughly the same story as last year's excellent Capote, but relies more on making the diminutive author the butt of one obvious joke as he minces and sashays amongst the Kansas townspeople for the first third of the story. I felt as if I'd walked into an episode of the unbearable Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. While the 2005 film emphasized the somber, empty landscapes of the plains--mirroring the somber empty landscape of a killer (or a heartless conniving writer)--this forthcoming feature concerns itself more with getting laughs from Capote's kitschy bitch-queen theatrics. The most disappointing film I've ever seen at Telluride by far.

The Ronstadt Center

While I'm excited to hear that Califone have a new album forthcoming (Roots And Crowns on October 10th), I'm even more thrilled to see the band using Linda Ronstadt as the lead actress in the music video for Spider's House. It's her most stunning performance since her jaw-dropping rendition of "We Will Rock You". When will you be loved, Linda? Nobody could accuse you of "being no good"! And speaking of being no good, Disco:Very is going to be out and away for the next five days, taking in 4 full non-stop 12-hour days and nights of movies, movies, movies at the Telluride Film Festival. If any of my thousands of readers are also attending, please wave me down if you see me. I'll be the one wearing pants. [Also, in case this joke mystifies you, I'm saying that the creature in the photo is Linda Ronstadt. You're welcome.]

Language: I secretly wish I was Hanzi Smatter, dedicated to documenting the misuse of Chinese characters in Western Culture

Websites: There is only one thing worse than having an Open Web Letter addressed to you, and that is not having an Open Web Letter addressed to you.

Inventions: Well, sir, there's nothing on earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car monorail!

Toys: Sure, these "vinyl figures based on Club Gods" are cute and all, but why not create an action-figure blogger while you're at it?

Entertainment: The only thing worse than seeing your picture on Hot Hollywood Assistants is being the Hot Hollywood Assistant to Courtney Love.

Crafts: These deranged stitcheries of Patricia Waller are not the kind of stuffed dolls you can bring home to meet your parents.

Art: Finally, an invention for the lazy anarchist spray painter in all of us.

Fashion: For anyone seeking future stardom on a reality series, Pre-Pixelated T-Shirts.

Fun & Games: Please. I already hate karaoke enough, thank you.

Animation: The Egg Lady is rolling over in her grave.

Antiques: He collects everything, so you don't have to.

DVDs: The what-took-them-so-fucking-long release of The Day I Became A Woman, and the hurry-up-before-I-pee-my-pants reissue of Playtime, are making the world a better place.

Food: I used to think there wasn't anything I couldn't enjoy eating. I was wrong.

I Find You Intoxicating

Alcohol is an improvement, not an impairment. Take a listen to the mighty Balfa Brothers performing La Valse des Bombaches twice: the first time, seemingly sober (taken from The Balfa Brothers Play Traditional Cajun Music.) The second time, drunker than Haley Joel Osment looking up my skirt after being soaked overnight in a gallon of Night Train (this track found on the Rounder Records release Louisiana Cajun French Music, Volume One.) The choice is obvious: Thunder, meet Bird. I now pronounce you shit-faced.

A Pick Up (And A Pickup)

There are only three things which make me click my heels in a rush of orgiastic ecstasy: 1) puppy breath, 2) microwave popcorn (organic), and 3) walking into the local chain entertainment store and picking up a barely-played used copy of the Can masterpiece Tago Mago after years of avoiding buying it new because why should I give anyone $18 for a recording from over 30 years ago? Besides, I mostly just play Oh Yeah over and over so what's the point in paying full price? I was also delighted to find a barely-played used DVD of the Samuel Fuller masterpiece Pickup On South Street but let's not go there, girlfriend! (I was recently informed this phrase is making an ironic comeback and I'm hoping to be ahead of the curve.)

The Jade Tree of The Jaded

Emory the Emo Emu has lost his way and can't figure out which Emo band listed below is for real and which ones are merely fakes saddled with terrible names! Can you help him find out the truth?

Eyelash Wishes
As Tall As Lions
Climbing The Branches, Touching The Sky
Birth, Life, Death
Nothing More Than This
Under The Influence Of Giants
Rainfall/Rainbow
Her Vagina, Smiling
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
These Arms Are Snakes
The Ground Below, The Sun Above
Tears As Wide As Rivers
I Ache, You Ache, We All Ache For Romantic Disillusionment-Ache
The Pillow, Tear-Stained
From Ashes Rise
Crushed And Put Away
Clouds of Ennui
My Shriveled Manhood In Your Hands
Blame The Stars
Four Walls Falling
That Darkly Comic Scene in Harold And Maude (You Know The One)
Cast Down, Again and Again
Really Funereal
allinlowercasewithoutspaces
Young Widows
Blue Balls Of Romance

(Answer: It was a trick question. Real or not, they're all saddled with terrible names.)

Rock Softly And Carry A Big Schtick

If we're to believe the article seen in the September 2006 issue of Spin, muscally tepid acts such as Okkervil River, Foutains Of Wayne and Ryan Adams have been publicly embracing the snooze-inducing tunes by such squishy-core mid-70's outfits as Hall and Oates, America, Supertramp and the artistically reprehensible Bread. The day I'm forced to listen to softy-pop 70's folksters as a new cutting-edge schtick tactic, I'll toss my weight behind The Boat Family, a quirky (quasi political) ditty recorded by The Roches--the only sibling singers slightly less weird than The Jacksons. While I'm unable to decipher exactly how the "piece of chocolate" singing to us in the introductory verse suddenly skips towards the issue of ocean-bound immigration by the end, this track has already given me more hours of enjoyment than a single line from "Baby I'm A Want You."

The Right Stuffs

Have any of you heard the news about this huge scandal swirling around Mel Gibson? Apparently there is a video circulating showing him stuffing his chubby Right Wing face and loudly burping while his long-suffering boyfriend Kevin Federline looks on, and...no, wait. I think I got the story wrong. Wasn't it Prince William drunkenly grabbing the boob attached to one Lindsay Lohan at a posh London nightclub (or was it Oprah Winfrey's lesbian husband)? You see, this is the confusion which comes of working utterly exhausting 12-hour days several weeks in a row. The blogging suffers, my mind suffers, you suffer...the entire web suffers! Perhaps it's best to just play the music, in this case, the not-at-all-in-the-news Jewish faith, best exemplified by electronic maven Gershon Kingsley as he cooks up a little kosher Kiddush (or is it Kaddish)? Thanks to tunes like Security Song, the entire God Is A Moog album is like a post-Follies-era Stephen Sondheim musical about the joys of circumcision laced with Moog farts. You could say this Shabbat ain't too shabby.

Bizarro World

If you had told me, 20 years ago when I first laid eyes on bizarro brother pop act Sparks that they were someday going to achieve no small amount of critical acclaim late in their career, I would have punched you in the larynx. But here's where it gets really weird: their latest album gets hoisted upon the public by punk scuzz noise merchants In The Red Records (wha..?) followed by Wounded Bird Records reissuing their first two albums, the self-titled Sparks and A Woofer In Tweeter's Clothing. Most surprising is just how good these two early efforts are. The former chugs along nicely thanks to Girl From Germany and Whippings And Apologies, while the latter boasts the heavy hooks of Wonder Girl and Saccharin And The War. Neither reissue provides much-needed liner notes, but considering my man Ron Mael was rockin' the Hitler mustache when these two albums were recorded circa 1972, it's a wonder they've survived to tell the tale this long after the fact.

Pogos Going Steady

Singles Only, the Japanese-import collection of 7-inchers by the long-in-the-tooth Seattle foursome The Briefs traffics in the usual fist-in-the-air pogo pop we know all too well (check out Benny's Got A Cigarette, We Americans and Medication and you get the general idea). For me, the Urine of Excitement starts to flow when they vow karmic retribution towards the musically reprehensible Bob Seger during the blazing sing-along Silver Bullet. If you can find a more stirring anthem this year, I'll eat my dayglo wraparound shades.

Abortion Is God's Way Of Checking The Guest List And Saying "I'm Sorry, And You Are...?"

Isn't anyone else mortified by Safeway's new slogan, "From Your Fetus To Our Store"? Are they proposing to eat America's babies? Why can't President Bush do something about this rampant disregard for human life? Every time a man masturbates into a sock--killing off more of the world's drastically limited supply of sperm--we run the risk of wiping out the entire human population. Every stem cell has the potential of becoming a mystical adult contemporary pop star along the lines of Stevie Nicks. Even when she and Lindsay Buckingham (then known simply as Buckingham Nicks) were unknown, unwanted walking sperm 'n' eggs wandering neon-infested Sunset Boulevard hoping to score a record deal with tracks such as Long Distance Winner and Stephanie, their lives had as much value as any petri dish of test-tube experiments you'd care to name. Sadly, this preemie LP is their only pre-Fleetwood Mac release, and because these songs are Buckingham Nick's precious babies, keeping them from being "born again" is akin to committing infanticide on a level not seen since the great Christian bonfire of albums back in 1966, when The Beatles were more popular with groupies than their main competitor Jesus.

Mother Sky, Sister Moon

Sometimes, when La Luna is aligned with Sagittarius, I shuffle over to the stereo in my oversize kaftan and put on Mother Sky from Can's 2nd album Soundtracks and I just jam and jam and jam, shaking my dreadlocks until they're sore and begging for a good shampoo. Later, I strip down, put on a crisp white shirt (making sure my long translucent neck is jutting out of the collar, buttoned to the top) and play A Kitchen In The Clouds from the Come On compilation The Come On Story, all the while cutting my balding wispy hair to a choppy length. When I look in the mirror, I remind myself that I've been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song. I put the words and the melodies together. I am music and I write the songs.

Back To Your Future

Remember back in January 2006 when I sent some of you my year-end picks Best-Of-2005 CD? And remember how so many of you mocked me and scolded me and bruised my precious feelings for putting the Cansei De Ser Sexy track Acho Um Pouco Bom on there? But now they're the Next Big Thing and you're all listening to their Sub Pop debut and dancing around the house to Off The Hook and Alcohol and Fuck Off Is Not The Only Thing You Have To Show (even though the original Brazil-only version called Fuck Off Rock is so much better)? Well, get ready to emotionally abuse me once again later this year because I predict--thanks to tracks like Wild Moose Party and Siam--I predict the dance-y New Wave B-52's-ness of The Cosmopolitans is going to make them bigger than Jesus, Buddha and L. Ron Hubbard combined. Except that CSS are relatively new and The Cosmopolitans split up 25 years ago. Other than that, my gods can kill your gods.

¿Cuál es Más Cobarde?

For many years, I have held the belief that Sly & The Family Stone's Loose Booty from 1974's first-comeback-in-a-long-series-of-comebacks Small Talk is The Supremo Funky Burrito, triumphantly holding its arms aloft, trophy in hand, as The Funkiest Song Of All Time. Sly holds the title but Ly Ngua O is the challenger with Vo Chong Lam Bieng, as heard on the Trikont comp Ho! Vietnam Roady Music. Who will win this coveted position, and who will hang their head in shame as they abdicate the throne in bitter defeat? I'm not sure I know the answer, but I'm pretty sure headbutting will be involved.

I've Seen Fire And I've Seen Rain, I've Seen Bloody Days Covered In Blood With Freshly Killed Blood That I Thought Would Never End

To hear the mighty/mellow tracks by folk fiends The You, one would assume the largest injury they'd sustain is Toe-Tappin'-itus, brought on by the mellow easy-going rhythms they conjure. Yet their My Space page shows a battered axe covered with splashes of crimson blood. Good lord, what hell hath James Taylor wrought??? I can't imagine a song such as I'm Going To Kill Myself--despite its morbid title--would lead to such violent mayhem. Perhaps producer du jour Brian Deck (Iron & Wine, Modest Mouse) slashed some skin trying to create a major label silk purse out of an indie-budget sow's ear. Or just maybe the guy on the far right of the photo above physically harmed someone after being told one too many times about his resemblance to not-a-homo thespian Tom Cruise. Either way, should they venture to perform in your hometown, bring plenty of gauze and surgical tape.  [Update: their MySpace page seems to have gone the way of...well, MySpace.]

Ergo > Therefore

Not Going To Bed (the new single from Andrew WK) is to I Won't Grow Up (from Peter Pan) as Tom Verlaine's All Weirded Out is to Psychotic Reaction. Discuss.

Radical Dude

The anticipation has got me breaking out in hives. I simply cannot wait until Justin Timberlake radically changes the face of pop music as we know it. We have been suffering under the constraints of Jimmie Haskell & His Orchestra for far too long. Free us, Justin! Free us from the shackles of We Get Messages, Weightless Blues, Asteroid Hop and Rockin' In The Orbit! And while you're at it, can you radically change the face of popular cinema as well? I have a feeling you'd be able to show Snakes On A Plane a thing or two.

It Takes One To Know One

George W. Bush and I are a lot alike. For starters, we are both former dum-dum coke-inhaling frat boy alcoholics who only wrangled our way into Yale thanks to our father slipping some green towards the school. Second, we've both been wasting our time and energy: he on Iraq (anyone with half a brain could have told you North Korea is more dangerous than Saddam Hussein), me on latter day ELO (anyone with half a brain could have told you ELO 2 is more dangerous than Out Of The Blue.) I mean, jeez, just listen to Momma... and Born To Die. Don't they make you just...I don't know...want to clear that never-ending brush which seems to creep up on your Texas ranch every vacation time?