Free To Be, You and Me

There comes an important time in every person's life when they must stop living a lie, face all opposition and become who they truly are in order to flourish and become whole.  We at Disco:Very applaud R&B singer/songwriter Frank Ocean for casually revealing his previous love affair with another man earlier this week, and salute his bravery, honesty and candor. In a money-driven industry which enables and encourages that certain lifestyles be kept on the down low, it's refreshing to see a major rap star stay true to himself and Disco:Very welcomes Frank Ocean to the GLBTTQQIAAPNUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF* community.

*G stands for gay (adj., n.)

‘Gay’ refers to people who are attracted to their own gender and is usually used by men.

L stands for lesbian (adj., n.)

‘Lesbian’ is a word used primarily by women who are attracted to other women.

B stands for bisexual (adj., n.)

‘Bisexual’ denotes sexual attraction to two genders.

T stands for transgender (adj.)

‘Transgender’ is an umbrella term used for any person whose gender identity does not match their assigned sex. This term includes both binary and non-binary identified trans* people.

T stands for transsexual (adj., n.)

Transsexual people fall under the transgender umbrella, but usually this term refers specifically to binary-identified people transitioning from male to female (MTF) or female to male (FTM).

Q stands for queer (adj., n.)

‘Queer’ is another umbrella term that can be used to describe one’s sexual orientation and/or gender identity. While it has history as a slur, it has been largely reclaimed and is now used primarily to represent any person of a gender or sexual minority.

Q stands for questioning (adj.)

‘Questioning’ is included in our acronym to welcome anyone who may be unsure about their gender or sexual identity and wants a safe space.

I stands for intersex (adj.)

Intersex individuals are those who have an atypical biological sex. They may have ambiguous genitalia, which is sometimes “corrected” at birth, or they may appear outwardly male or female while chromosomally being another sex.

A stands for asexual (adj., n.)

An asexual person is one who experiences no sexual attraction. However, “asexual” is considered an umbrella term and also represents gray-asexuals and demisexuals.

A stands for ally (n.)

Allies are people who support the aims of the community. Allies can be heterosexual and cisgender (non-transgender) but it is important to remember that even within the community, we are all allies to one another.

P stands for pansexual (adj., n.)

Pansexual people are attracted to people of all genders. This term recognizes the wide range of gender identities other than man or woman, such as genderqueer, bigender, neutrois, and other non-binary identities.

N stands for nonsexual (adj., n.)

Nonsexual people are not attracted to people of any genders. This term recognizes the wide range of gender identities other than man or woman, such as genderqueer, bigender, neutrois, and other non-binary identities to which someone might not find themselves attracted.

U stands for Unsuresexual (adj., n.)

Unsuresexual refers to those who are unsure of what sex is, or who question if it truly exists.

FF stands for foot fetishist (adj., n.)

A foot fetishist is only interested in sexual activities which involve feet. This term recognizes that some sexual beings are unable or uninterested in any of the above sexual and non-sexual binary identities and prefer, instead, to simply focus on feet and this, too, should be welcomed into the sexual community.

FF stands for furry fetishist (adj., n.)

Furry fetishist is the description used for those into sexual role play involved with fictional anthropomorphic animal characters enabled with human personalities and characteristics.

FFFF stands for furry fetishist into fist fucking (adj., n.)

Furry fetishist into fist fucking is the description used for those into sexual role play involved with fictional anthropomorphic animal characters enabled with human personalities and characteristics, coupled with a healthy attraction to fist fucking.

FFFFFF stands for furry fetishist into fist fucking and flipping flapjacks (adj., n.)

Furry fetishist into fist fucking whilst flipping flapjacks is the description used for those into sexual role play involved with fictional anthropomorphic animal characters enabled with human personalities and characteristics, coupled with a healthy attraction to fist fucking whilst flipping flapjacks.

FFFF stands for fist fuckers into Freddy Fender (adj., n.)

Fist Fuckers into Freddy Fender is included in our acronym to welcome anyone who may be into a specific niche of fist fucking wherein said activity is accomplished while listening to Wasted Days and Wasted Nights.

FFFFF stands for fist fuckers into flapjacks which resemble Freddy Fender (adj., n.)

Fist Fuckers into flapjacks which resemble Freddy Fender is included in our acronym to welcome anyone who may be into a specific niche of fist fucking wherein said activity is accomplished while admiring flapjacks which, if tilted the right way, can somewhat resemble the visage of Freddy Fender.

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 7

Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Name of store], this is [name].
Disco:Very: I'm calling to find out your store return policy, specifically a vinyl album I just purchased at your Record Store Day sale.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: Was there something wrong with it?
Disco:Very: So many things wrong with it! I don't even know where to begin! First off, it was a special limited-edition vinyl copy of Nicki Minaj's masterpiece Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded and as we all know, Roman is an avatar of Miss Minaj, but because Nicki and Roman share so many aesthetic and representational similarities, the alter ego of Roman is barely perceptible!
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Sounding confused.] Um, OK, so you're just unsatisfied with the music? And the record itself isn't broken or whatever?
Disco:Very: That's not the worst of it, my friend. The album was pressed on pink vinyl but but instead of, say, Pantone 18-2133, it's more like salmon or a dark apricot color when, clearly, it was supposed to be the color of Nicki's labia minora.
Unnamed Local Record Store: Her what?
Disco:Very: Her labia minora.
Unnamed Local Record Store: [Pause.] I don't know...uh...
Disco:Very: It's a type of flower.
Unnamed Local Record Store: So it's a type of flower on the cover?
Disco:Very: No, no. It's a type of flower which women enjoy carrying around. Lots of women have them, though not all of them.
Unnamed Local Record Store: [Completely lost in thought.] Uh...
Disco:Very: You can just ask any woman in the store the color of her labia minora. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Unnamed Local Record Store: Well, we're pretty busy here and...
Disco:Very: You can just call it out on the microphone, on the PA system in the store. You should just say into the microphone "Will the female customers and employees please bring your labia minora to the cash register please?".
Unnamed Local Record Store: Hang on. [Muffled sounds--appears to be asking a female employee how to handle this call. Female employee seems to know what a labia minora is, hangs up the phone without speaking to me.]

Genitals Are People, Too!

My annual trek to the Telluride Film Festival beckons, which means I won't be posting in the next few days. Despite the fact that the organizers haven't yet sent me my laminated pass, I'm feeling a keen sense of euphoria and pee-inducing excitement. Who knows what adventures await me? Will I once again be yelled at by an incensed Charlotte Rampling after I selfishly plop my ass into the seat directly in front of her? Will I once again find myself stalking Mark Ruffalo while waiting in line for a film? Could my precious penis once again gain proximity to the withered penis of UK filmmaker Mike Leigh while standing next to him at a theater urinal? Both me and my penis will tell all upon my return.

The Songs of Bob Dylan, Refashioned Into Porno Film Titles

Tangled Up in Spooge

It Ain't Me, Baby Batter

Jizz Like a Woman

Lay Lezzie Lay

Knockin' on Heaven's Door-gasm

Subterranean Homesick Boobs

The Times, They Are A-Bangin'

Ballad of a Hung Man

Bob Dylan's 115th Dirty Sanchez

It's All Over Now, Baby Blue Balls

I Shall Be Released (Of Sperm)

Love Minus Zero/No Limit Bukkake

Blowin' in the Wind

An Obvious Set-Up, Followed By Laughter You Will Be Powerless to Stop. Plus, Bono is a Putz.

For once, I am in complete agreement with Bono. All anyone need do is look at the way China has successfully curbed its citizens from enjoying freedom of information. If torturing is good enough for Americans to inflict on suspected Al Queda operatives, why not do the same for those who provide free music to the general public? I am so committed to this very notion that I have attached a taser machine to my testicles in a show of support. This expensive contraption is designed to activate any time I should dare to share music files with my adoring public.

On a lighter note, I've just discovered a new band named UV Race whose music has been non-stop on my headphones. Here are a few of my favorite tracks:

Gore Orphanage

[OH MY GOD!!! MY GONADS!! MY PRECIOUS DELICATE GONADS!!!]

All the Things I Do

[DEAR GOD, MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE THE PAIN STOP!!!]

The UV Know

[HELP ME, BONO!! HELP ME WITH THE PAIN!!! MY BALLS ARE ON FIRE!!! CAN'T YOU WRITE A SONG OR A FUCKING OPERA ABOUT THE PAIN AND MAKE IT GO AWAY???]

Meet Me Under the Clocks

[AAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHARE QUALITY TIME WITH MY TESTICLES AGAIN!!!]

I Tried To Pawn My Family Jewels But I Was Politely Told They Hold No Value

Sometimes you're just standing around, scratching your big hairy balls (or, if you're a woman, your firm perky breasts) and some song which had previously alluded you suddenly grabs hold of your imagination and slams it onto the city sidewalk (I usually readjust my rocks on public streets.) "Take me," it screams, "I am a catchy song you have failed to notice before! Use me to your satisfaction!" Such was my testicle-related epiphany when I finally heard Over and Over by Hot Chip on my iPod last week. This also happened to me last month with You Can Decide by Field Music. I'd heard these tracks before but never actually listened to them, in much the same way you hear Andre Rieu play his fiddle during those endless PBS pledge drives, but you're not really listening to him because you're too busy thinking, "Holy shit, does he really leave the house with that fucking hairdo?"

The Jade Tree of The Jaded

Emory the Emo Emu has lost his way and can't figure out which Emo band listed below is for real and which ones are merely fakes saddled with terrible names! Can you help him find out the truth?

Eyelash Wishes
As Tall As Lions
Climbing The Branches, Touching The Sky
Birth, Life, Death
Nothing More Than This
Under The Influence Of Giants
Rainfall/Rainbow
Her Vagina, Smiling
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
These Arms Are Snakes
The Ground Below, The Sun Above
Tears As Wide As Rivers
I Ache, You Ache, We All Ache For Romantic Disillusionment-Ache
The Pillow, Tear-Stained
From Ashes Rise
Crushed And Put Away
Clouds of Ennui
My Shriveled Manhood In Your Hands
Blame The Stars
Four Walls Falling
That Darkly Comic Scene in Harold And Maude (You Know The One)
Cast Down, Again and Again
Really Funereal
allinlowercasewithoutspaces
Young Widows
Blue Balls Of Romance

(Answer: It was a trick question. Real or not, they're all saddled with terrible names.)

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom

Hands up: who remembers New Wave? Not today's neo-New Wave but the original stuff from the late '70's? One of the most ridiculous New Wave albums ever released (in a good way) is the self-titled debut of the Suburban Lawns, five arty post-punk goofballs from Long Beach, CA. Most of the songs (on what turned out to be their only album) are the usual smug attacks on what we would now call "family values" (exemplified by the hi-energy white kid ska of "Mom And Dad And God"). When the band sidesteps this stance is when they really chose the route less travelled. Take one listen to Janitor to see what I mean. The chorus ("I'm a janitor/Oh my genitals") was created around a misheard statement by one band member to another. Lead vocalist Su Tissue couldn't sound more deadpan, even outdoing the bored delivery of Deborah Evans from the dearly-missed Flying Lizards. I see this album used now and then at various vinyl shops specializing in the castoffs of music fads from the past. If you're looking for the easy way in, always start with the good folks at Gemm. If you're interested in knowing more about the band, there isn't much out there, except here and here.