A Tricked Out Stingray

Here's what I think happened: All the creatures in the Kingdom we call Animal are able to talk clearly to each other, easy, and some alligator who was tired of being teased and taunted with pieces of meat and dangling babies passed it on down the line that it was time for revenge. Eventually, it reached Stella the Stingray, who decided it was time to teach this uppity Aussie that payback is a bitch. Another theory I possess: because His Funkiness The Pope-ster insulted the world's Muslims with his teasing and taunting, some Turkish Stingray terrorist is going to taunt and tease his ass during his visit next month, the same way the jocks used to tease and taunt the algebra prodigies at my grade school cafeteria at lunch time. The Turks are all, "We're going to kick your ass after school, your Eminence!". It's the same exact story, only way, way less violent and lacking a soundtrack. I would score this fight scene with Mazhar ve Fuat/Turkuz Turku Cagiririz and/or Uc Hurel/Hurel Arsivi, both taken from one of the latest in the Love, Peace & Poetry series, Turkish Psychedelic Music. How do you cry "Uncle!!" in Turkish? Be sure to visit The Crocodile Hunter website, which pays loving tribute to Irwin, offering dozens of pictures showing him as he harasses various wild animals in every corner of God's great land.

Don't You Point Those Things At Me Unless You Mean Business, Mister!

The Today Show hasn't been very forthcoming on this topic but Meredith Vieira has also joined DiscoColonVery.net as a sparkly new co-host. The only difference here is that, due to her puke-filled taste in music, she won't be saying anything or posting anything. If it was up to her, you'd be downloading files by Today Show Concert Series artists like John fucking Mayer and The Beach fucking Boys. Thankfully, my rampant narcissism dictates that I control every facet of this website, which means you'll instead be listening to Duchess Says, the new rebel-yell outfit taking France by hook and dagger via Black Flag and Rabies (Babies Got The). Make yourself useful, Meredith dear, and get me some ice for my Hot Toddy. If the cubes are stuck together, you can always break them apart with Matt Lauer's nipples.

The Right Stuffs

Have any of you heard the news about this huge scandal swirling around Mel Gibson? Apparently there is a video circulating showing him stuffing his chubby Right Wing face and loudly burping while his long-suffering boyfriend Kevin Federline looks on, and...no, wait. I think I got the story wrong. Wasn't it Prince William drunkenly grabbing the boob attached to one Lindsay Lohan at a posh London nightclub (or was it Oprah Winfrey's lesbian husband)? You see, this is the confusion which comes of working utterly exhausting 12-hour days several weeks in a row. The blogging suffers, my mind suffers, you suffer...the entire web suffers! Perhaps it's best to just play the music, in this case, the not-at-all-in-the-news Jewish faith, best exemplified by electronic maven Gershon Kingsley as he cooks up a little kosher Kiddush (or is it Kaddish)? Thanks to tunes like Security Song, the entire God Is A Moog album is like a post-Follies-era Stephen Sondheim musical about the joys of circumcision laced with Moog farts. You could say this Shabbat ain't too shabby.

Putting the 'Total' Back Into 'Totalitarianism'

Personally, I don't see what the big deal is. If state-sponsored censorship means an end to tepid classic rock and easy listening hits, fetch my passport, dawg, 'cuz I'm moving my cribs to Iran! Clearly, the head honcho of America's next refinery takeover is merely trying to ban his fellow citizens from listening to bad music. He isn't abolishing, say, He's Your Man by The Oblivions, so what's the harm? If anything, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is probably just pissed that lame-ass folkie Cat Stevens is fighting for his side. Purchase Popular Favorites at Mordam Records.