Oops.

I completely forgot to mention: I moved over to Facebook about 2 years ago and never bothered to tell any of you.  If you wish to once again enjoy my witty banter, this is where you can get a daily dose once more.

The Unintentionally Hilarious Press Photos of Bands Playing in My Area in the Near Future [Part 3] [Click Photo to Enlarge the Lulz]

Free To Be, You and Me

There comes an important time in every person's life when they must stop living a lie, face all opposition and become who they truly are in order to flourish and become whole.  We at Disco:Very applaud R&B singer/songwriter Frank Ocean for casually revealing his previous love affair with another man earlier this week, and salute his bravery, honesty and candor. In a money-driven industry which enables and encourages that certain lifestyles be kept on the down low, it's refreshing to see a major rap star stay true to himself and Disco:Very welcomes Frank Ocean to the GLBTTQQIAAPNUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF* community.

*G stands for gay (adj., n.)

‘Gay’ refers to people who are attracted to their own gender and is usually used by men.

L stands for lesbian (adj., n.)

‘Lesbian’ is a word used primarily by women who are attracted to other women.

B stands for bisexual (adj., n.)

‘Bisexual’ denotes sexual attraction to two genders.

T stands for transgender (adj.)

‘Transgender’ is an umbrella term used for any person whose gender identity does not match their assigned sex. This term includes both binary and non-binary identified trans* people.

T stands for transsexual (adj., n.)

Transsexual people fall under the transgender umbrella, but usually this term refers specifically to binary-identified people transitioning from male to female (MTF) or female to male (FTM).

Q stands for queer (adj., n.)

‘Queer’ is another umbrella term that can be used to describe one’s sexual orientation and/or gender identity. While it has history as a slur, it has been largely reclaimed and is now used primarily to represent any person of a gender or sexual minority.

Q stands for questioning (adj.)

‘Questioning’ is included in our acronym to welcome anyone who may be unsure about their gender or sexual identity and wants a safe space.

I stands for intersex (adj.)

Intersex individuals are those who have an atypical biological sex. They may have ambiguous genitalia, which is sometimes “corrected” at birth, or they may appear outwardly male or female while chromosomally being another sex.

A stands for asexual (adj., n.)

An asexual person is one who experiences no sexual attraction. However, “asexual” is considered an umbrella term and also represents gray-asexuals and demisexuals.

A stands for ally (n.)

Allies are people who support the aims of the community. Allies can be heterosexual and cisgender (non-transgender) but it is important to remember that even within the community, we are all allies to one another.

P stands for pansexual (adj., n.)

Pansexual people are attracted to people of all genders. This term recognizes the wide range of gender identities other than man or woman, such as genderqueer, bigender, neutrois, and other non-binary identities.

N stands for nonsexual (adj., n.)

Nonsexual people are not attracted to people of any genders. This term recognizes the wide range of gender identities other than man or woman, such as genderqueer, bigender, neutrois, and other non-binary identities to which someone might not find themselves attracted.

U stands for Unsuresexual (adj., n.)

Unsuresexual refers to those who are unsure of what sex is, or who question if it truly exists.

FF stands for foot fetishist (adj., n.)

A foot fetishist is only interested in sexual activities which involve feet. This term recognizes that some sexual beings are unable or uninterested in any of the above sexual and non-sexual binary identities and prefer, instead, to simply focus on feet and this, too, should be welcomed into the sexual community.

FF stands for furry fetishist (adj., n.)

Furry fetishist is the description used for those into sexual role play involved with fictional anthropomorphic animal characters enabled with human personalities and characteristics.

FFFF stands for furry fetishist into fist fucking (adj., n.)

Furry fetishist into fist fucking is the description used for those into sexual role play involved with fictional anthropomorphic animal characters enabled with human personalities and characteristics, coupled with a healthy attraction to fist fucking.

FFFFFF stands for furry fetishist into fist fucking and flipping flapjacks (adj., n.)

Furry fetishist into fist fucking whilst flipping flapjacks is the description used for those into sexual role play involved with fictional anthropomorphic animal characters enabled with human personalities and characteristics, coupled with a healthy attraction to fist fucking whilst flipping flapjacks.

FFFF stands for fist fuckers into Freddy Fender (adj., n.)

Fist Fuckers into Freddy Fender is included in our acronym to welcome anyone who may be into a specific niche of fist fucking wherein said activity is accomplished while listening to Wasted Days and Wasted Nights.

FFFFF stands for fist fuckers into flapjacks which resemble Freddy Fender (adj., n.)

Fist Fuckers into flapjacks which resemble Freddy Fender is included in our acronym to welcome anyone who may be into a specific niche of fist fucking wherein said activity is accomplished while admiring flapjacks which, if tilted the right way, can somewhat resemble the visage of Freddy Fender.

Dancing About World Peace is Like Singing About Architecture

Just when we thought our national nightmare was over, he returns. Before you accuse me of being a Negative Nigel, let's break down in real time why this man and his videos are so very reprehensible:

1. Please don't think that an upper-middle-class American encouraging some Iraqis to dance on cue is going to bring about love and harmony throughout the globe. There has never been world peace, there never will be world peace, and sloppy foot work to a fifth-rate Enya impersonator isn't going to change that.

2. Let's be realistic, here: this dude Matt didn't exactly get warring factions to come together in the interest of pacifist living. He didn't convince a gun-toting Israeli to spin into a waltz with an oppressed Palestinian. No, he simply set up his fucking camera, posted (I assume) notices around the village that he wanted extras to dance with him on a particular date and, presto! His job was done. Any idiot can get other idiots to mug for a camera.  This is why so-called reality television is so abundant.

3. His choice of music makes me want to pull out my own eyeballs, slice my head off slowly with a butter knife and then drive a 10-ft razor blade through each kneecap.  Many commentators on YouTube would toss about the word "inspirational".  I would, instead, describe this recording as "crazy-making".

4. Supporters of this man's work argue that this video is a reminder that, basically, everyone the world over is all the same and we should respect the beliefs and cultures of everyone else.  You need a fucking sappy video to tell you that??  That's just fucking Human Fucking Rights 101, baby.

5. The tot on his shoulders at the very end--who I assume to be his own offspring--is going to need decades of therapy when he grows up to find himself to be a part of this debacle.

On the plus side, it is admittedly pretty cool to get a seal to flap its appendages with you, I'll give him that.  Perhaps, in the end, Matt's legacy will be to bridge the opposition we face with our feathered and furry friends throughout the planet.

The Unintentionally Hilarious Press Photos of Bands Playing in My Area in the Near Future [Part 2] [Click Photo to Enlarge the Lulz]

Run Away From the Blight

 

There are those who would tell you Alabama Shakes and Rubblebucket are two new bands into which you should be plugging your earbuds, but I am here to warn you, children, that these are freshly-shaved lies. The morally reprehensible Alabama Shakes sport the most generic, lame-ass bar-band sound you could ever muster, tailor-made/readymade for Bonnaroo burnouts;  Rubblebucket are the polar opposite, pushing so far at appearing quirky, you can only respond by patting them on the head and pointing them towards the cut-out bin which they'll soon be inhabiting. The hype machine surrounding these yawn-inducing embarrassments must be avoided above all else. These are dangerous times to be a music lover, and we need to protect each other from all this lethal danger to our tastes.

The Homeless Emperor's New Clothes (Except He's Not Really Homeless)

I'm well aware of the fact that Willis Earl Beal is this year's hot new outsider artist but I don't see him as anything interesting, special or unique, and I'm OK with that. May I please go now?

My head is hung in submissive shame as I announce that Disco:Very has now joined the reprehensible Twitter.  Same pithy postings, but now with 80% less content.  Postings will continue apace here at the mothership, but now you can get snarky Tweets for those times when I'm too lazy to link actual music.  Look, if you want this relationship to work, you're going to have to support me on this.  Divorce is not an option.

The Unintentionally Hilarious Press Photos of Bands Playing in My Area in the Near Future [Part 1] [Click Photo to Enlarge the Lulz]

Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion. (And their inability to realize how foolish they look.)

My pre-concert rituals are exacting and precise. The morning of the show, I greet the Sun God with some naked Iyengar Yoga while drinking Ashwagandha Tea, which combats stress and restores serenity. I dress myself in a pair of flowing Nomad Eco Pants (which I bought to wear at Burning Man five years ago) and a dark blue Onno brand organic bamboo tee. Right before bicycling my way to the concert, I smoke a heapful of Salvia for the spirit/flesh rejuvenation I will be experiencing. As soon as I am at the concert, I respond to the music with Ecstatic Dance and Spiritual Movement , letting my Chakra spell out the rhythms and lead me to an enlightened level of no return. After 9 hours of this, I usually forget where I parked my bike and I end up hitching home with one of my shoes missing.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 13]

Alix Dobkin - xxAlix (LP on Ladyslipper Records, 1980)

Now that we have a Lesbian President, can we finally allow ourselves to have a laugh over this awesome aural relic? This is Camp of the highest order, every track dripping with irony-free earnest fist-in-the-air political fury (and all of it, remarkably, still available for purchase on cassette). How can you not love an album who lists the name of a key musician as River Lightwomoon and credits the album graphics as being "Typeset with Lesbian love by J. DeMaris Hearn, a Lesbian typographer"? As for the music, well, make no mistake about it: we're in total post-Ferron territory here. If you're a Grrrl wanting to get your riot on, you're about 20 years too early. For those of you reading this who are shocked by my audacity to poke some fun at what some would see as a sacred artifact, may I simply argue that my qualifications are in order. It would be remiss of me to defend myself by stating that some of my best friends are lesbians but...um, [ahem]: Some of my best friends are Lesbians.

That's Why Darkness Was Born

Thank goodness the dour art-damaged early-80's are over, allowing us the emotional distance to observe bands like Danny & the Parkins Sisters from a safe distance. The Mein Leben ist Scheiße Welt mindset on such tracks as This World is Bleak, War (Is On Your Doorstep) and On My Block (with its deliciously overwrought delivery of such couplets as Black boots/Bag o' loot/No one's gonna/Tell you the truth!) is enough to make you mainline Percocet. My own vinyl copy of this 8-track post-punk (but seemingly pre-rehearsal) masterpiece can now be sold to the highest bidder thanks to Chapter Music reissuing it on CD (yes, this occurred a year ago but don't mock me for only discovering this now--I've been very busy), even seeing fit to pad it with 10 extra tracks of live recordings and demos (such as We Are Indians, which has all the political correctness of a Sondra Lee dance routine). Buy this CD and relive the heady days when underground music was gleefully giving Reagan the finger with every note they played.

Shelter Schmelter

The only question one can ask after viewing this eye-rolling/face palm inducing video: why didn't they get that dorky spaz-dancing-equals-world-peace guy to be in it?

Disco:Very Dissects Album Covers - Part One

Artist: The Steve Miller Band
Album: Let Your Hair Down
This witty album cover depicts a well-dressed bald man with a rabbit on top of his head. In the background is a woman in a red gown. There is no connection as to why the bald man and the woman in the background are dressed in fancy evening wear. Perhaps they will be watching a special performance of the rabbit which perches on the man's head?

Directly underneath the sitting rabbit is a ladder, which was used by the rabbit, one assumes, to climb atop the bald man's head. This seemingly unconnected image becomes clear once the viewer reads the name of the album, Let Your Hair Down. The title references the action in the photo in that a rabbit is sometimes called a hare; thus, this man will be letting his hair (hare) down via the tiny ladder provided. The irony is intensified due to the man in the foreground being bald, meaning, he has no hair--and yet he does have a hare.

The conundrum bears the risk of exasperating the viewer until one explores what the album title means: letting your hair down is a common English-language phrase meant to suggest that one is too uptight and, therefore, needs to let loose or unwind somehow, usually accomplished by letting one's hair down--for instance, if the uptight person is a woman whose hair has been tied into a tight bun. This is a device used in many feature films and commercials wherein an uptight woman, say, a professional Librarian, will take off her glasses and unfasten her hair, thus making her more sexually available to the male (and in some cases, female) population. Many political pundits speculate that this is one of the main attributes which sustains the popularity of former Governor Sarah Palin. Most of her male followers are hoping that she will loosen her tightly-knotted hair-do and allow herself to become more available for sexual favors.

Because this is an album of blues-bases rock-and-roll, we must explore the context of the title as it relates to the genre of music it illustrates. One of the significant qualities of blues-based rock-and-roll is that it allows one to feel free and relaxed, usually with dancing or by imbibing alcoholic beverages during a rock concert. Thus, this album of blues-based rock-and-roll by former hit artist The Steve Miller Band will allow the listener to kick up their heels (though not literally) and let their hair down due to the music's pounding rhythms and sexually-suggestive lyrical content. The visual depiction of the rabbit on the man's head reinforces the notion that this album will encourage the listener to avoid the constraints of society which, presumably, corner the listener into taking on uptight or safe behavior. Thus the album cover sketches the theme of the album within the boundaries of a simple photograph.

Wooly Bully

Now that cyberbullying has been outlawed by OPEC, or whoever the hell is in charge of these things, Disco:Very will review some recent albums, tempered by this kinder, more gentle format. [Click on each image to bask in its artistry.]

Band: Virus
Album: Raped by Mutants
A concerned global community thanks you for alerting us to the pervasive social problems which result from being sexually molested by aberrations residing in underground sewers filled with toxic sludge.

Band: Emily Osment
Album: Fight or Flight
Just a few years from now, you're going to make some plastic surgeon very, very wealthy.

Band: Ron Wood
Album: I Feel Like Playing
If your artistry on guitar is as good as your painting skills, we're in for a special treat!

Band: Daniel Schuhmacher
Album: Nothing to Lose
That is where you're wrong, my little schnitzel. You have one special thing to lose, and that is your innocence. Spread your wings, Daniel. Hold on to your hope. Dream. Believe.

Band: Kingfisher Sky
Album: Skin of the Earth
Bald eagle-centric album art + Kate Bush covers + cellos in a rock context = Another flawless masterpiece-come-lately for the best Dutch import since Kibbeling was first pulled from the deep fryer.

Band: Gin Blossoms
Album: No Chocolate Cake
Deceased leader Doug Hopkins is almost certainly spinning in his grave with pride after being told (by God) about this inspired album title, with a clever cover shot to match!

Band: Tinie Tempah
Album: Disc-Overy
Puns on the word discovery never go out of fashion.

Making Up the Lyrics of Two Kate Nash Songs Based on Her Own Brief Descriptions in a Recent Article Within Spin Magazine

“I’m not on [Billy Bragg’s] level, but on my new album there are a couple of songs about serious issues: ‘I’ve Got a Secret’ is about homophobia; and on ‘Early Christmas Present’, I’m talking about cheating on someone and leaving them with an STD.” --Kate Nash, Singer/Songwriter, quoted in Spin Magazine, June 2010

I’VE GOT A SECRET
I've got a secret
I’m keeping deep inside
In my black little heart it does reside
I don’t like seeing guys kissing on guys
Or watching women eat each other’s pies

[Chorus]
I’ve got a secret, but it’s a secret no more
Being open-minded is such a chore
I’m a homophobe
Yes, I’m a homophobe
Watching ‘Glee’ is such a bore

Rainbow flags really piss me off
And no male doctor will make me turn my head and cough
I don’t want a man to be touching me down there
And I don’t think women should ever have short hair

[Repeat Chrous]


EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT

What’s inside this box?
Unwrap it and see
It will make you smile
It will hurt when you pee

[Chorus]
Even though it’s only April
I’m giving you your Christmas haul
It’s a warm dose of Chlamydia
And it's one-size-fits-all

It took so long to pick out
Because you’re hard to buy for
But an STD is the perfect gift
To come from a cheating whore

Christmas time is magical
It's a time for living large
But even the Baby Jesus
Would be grossed out
By your penis discharge

[Repeat Chorus, Ad infinitum]

Elliott Smith Fans Declare Jihad Against Fans of Pink Floyd. I Smell a Sitcom!

A fading street mural which happened to be randomly photographed for the cover of mopey suicide-y singer/songwriter Elliott Smith's hilariously overrated 2000 album Figure 8 was "tagged" earlier this week by low-wage lackees hired by 84-year-old Pink Floyd kingpin Roger Waters to virally promote yet another tour of the flogged-dead-horse mainstay The Wall.

The viral marketing utilized by Waters and his publicists involves high-profile/big-budget underground guerilla-styled postings promoting the upcoming tour through the use of crudely prited stickers, scripted in an excessively ornate, barely decipherable typeface.

Although the marketing campaign is being seen throughout the greater Los Angeles area, when it left its mark on the hallowed ground that is this anonymous mural on Sunset Boulevard, fans of Smith's work were outraged. "Elliott Smith literally painted this mural literally with his own blood!", screamed Smith follower Glewanda Furklemier. "You can see his tortured soul in each random curve and swirl. Why doesn't Barack Obama do something about this instead of wasting time on that silly oil spill?"

When it was pointed out to Ms. Furklemier that Mr. Smith did not, in fact, actually paint the mural, and that, instead, the photographer hired by his record company merely posed Smith against already-existing street art, Ms. Furklemier replied, "It doesn't matter who painted it. Pink Floyd is going to pay for this, mark my words. There will be a bloodbath of epic proportions, and we will choke the rivers with their dead!"

Ironically, the success of both Pink Floyd and Elliott Smith have relied almost exclusively on compositions involving depressed whining about emotional isolation, but this irony has been lost amid the uproar.

Asked to comment by phone, Roger Water's response--given while counting huge wads of cash--was, "Elliott who?"

The Joanna Newsom Drinking Game

The newest masterpiece by Joanna Newsom is about to hit stores. As you bask in its unicorn-ey goodness, have some fun and take a drink whenever she uses the following bullshit-meter-breaking words or phrases:

Svetlana

A seagull weeps

Sage

I'm oozing surprise

Yoke

Chim-Choo-Ree

Ursala

Two-by-two (re-loo-re-loo)

Inflammatory writ

Seahorse

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Gasplessly

I am big-boned and fey

Dragons

Exhume your pinecone

Whose Hilariously Pretentious Song Title?

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Crank Calling Record Stores on the Busiest Shopping Day of the Year [Part 1]

[Store Clerk for lame-ass local chain CD/DVD store]: [Name of store] on [name of street location].
Disco:Very: Hi. I was just in your store and I bought myself a copy of Where the Wild Things Are by Steve Vai but I think there's something wrong with the CD.
Store Clerk: OK. What seems to be the problem?
Disco:Very: Well, on the song "Taurus Bulba", Steve Vai is supposed to be playing a solo which is comprised of 2100 notes per minute but when I listen to it, I can only count about 2086 notes, tops.
Store Clerk: [Pauses.] Uh...
Disco:Very: I thought that maybe you had an in-store copy you could listen to and maybe you and I could count the notes together over the phone so we can determine if my copy is defective or if it was an error at the pressing plant.
Store Clerk: [Laughs] Well, uh...I don't think we have an in-store copy here.
Disco:Very: I know the mistake isn't on my end because I'm very good at counting. And I'm sure the problem isn't with Steve Vai because his nimble fingers dance merrily across the strings as if summoned forth by Zeus, with the power and majesty of 1000 winged horses.
Store Clerk: [Hangs up.]