Staying Propped Up

Oklahoma psych-rockers The Flaming Lips tearfully announced on their website that they have run out of ideas for costumes and props for their highly-visual lead singer to wear and are now seeking the public's input for a rash of new ideas. As a public service to this iconic band, Disco:Very submits the following outfits for the band's consideration:

DARTBOARD COSTUME
ADVANTAGES: Playful game-like costume will encourage increased interaction between the band and the audience, recontextualizing conceptual boundaries of the performance space and its place in the larger public sphere.
DISADVANTAGES: Due to excessive consumption of alcohol by audience members, many will assume the costume to be a literal dartboard, leading to the throwing of actual pointed darts towards lead singer, possibly leading to severe injury, blindness or death, followed by protracted lawsuits between the band, its management and the venue's lawyers. Also, silly prop costume gives the band another way to hide the fact that they have no real songwriting skills of which to speak.

PINK RIBBON COSTUME
ADVANTAGES: Raises public awareness of the serious topic of  breast cancer and health issues for women, encouraging female audience members to schedule regular screenings with their doctors. Tour can be co-sponsored by local Breast Cancer Awareness organizations, who would be permitted to raise funds via strategically placed information booths at outdoor concert venue.
DISADVANTAGES: The mention of breasts will make those in the audience under the influence of various reality-enhancing drugs to giggle uncontrollably during entire concert. Also, silly prop costume gives the band another way to hide the fact that they have no real songwriting skills of which to speak.

FLESH COSTUME
ADVANTAGES: This costume's blank form examines notions of life's meaning and existence, questioning many facets of religion, morality and life itself. With no cultural signifier present, viewer is free to project identity and purpose to the person inside the costume, or eschew involvement altogether. Audience members at the band's outdoor concerts can engage in lengthy and complex philosophical discussions while waiting in line at the Port-o-Potty.
DISADVANTAGES: Heat created by stage lights will create large wet spots in crotch area resembling urine stains, thereby negating the seriousness of the entire image. Also, silly prop costume gives the band another way to hide the fact that they have no real songwriting skills of which to speak.

YOUTUBE PARODY COSTUME
ADVANTAGES: Makes a symbolic commentary on issues of celebrity and identity, positioning lead singer, now framed within the format of a YouTube video, as target for the public's love and approval or, conversely, scorn and hatred. Audience can ruminate on the Internet's role in creating and discarding instant popularity worldwide through viral videos and related media.
DISADVANTAGES: Attempts to parody a popular website created over seven years ago will position the band as hopelessly out of date, especially considering the band's rapid advancement towards senior citizenry. The word "YouBoob" is a wince-inducing, painfully-unfunny pun on the iconic website's name, further solidifying the band's unfashionable disconnection from pop culture. Also, silly prop costume gives the band another way to hide the fact that they have no real songwriting skills of which to speak.

Dancing About World Peace is Like Singing About Architecture

Just when we thought our national nightmare was over, he returns. Before you accuse me of being a Negative Nigel, let's break down in real time why this man and his videos are so very reprehensible:

1. Please don't think that an upper-middle-class American encouraging some Iraqis to dance on cue is going to bring about love and harmony throughout the globe. There has never been world peace, there never will be world peace, and sloppy foot work to a fifth-rate Enya impersonator isn't going to change that.

2. Let's be realistic, here: this dude Matt didn't exactly get warring factions to come together in the interest of pacifist living. He didn't convince a gun-toting Israeli to spin into a waltz with an oppressed Palestinian. No, he simply set up his fucking camera, posted (I assume) notices around the village that he wanted extras to dance with him on a particular date and, presto! His job was done. Any idiot can get other idiots to mug for a camera.  This is why so-called reality television is so abundant.

3. His choice of music makes me want to pull out my own eyeballs, slice my head off slowly with a butter knife and then drive a 10-ft razor blade through each kneecap.  Many commentators on YouTube would toss about the word "inspirational".  I would, instead, describe this recording as "crazy-making".

4. Supporters of this man's work argue that this video is a reminder that, basically, everyone the world over is all the same and we should respect the beliefs and cultures of everyone else.  You need a fucking sappy video to tell you that??  That's just fucking Human Fucking Rights 101, baby.

5. The tot on his shoulders at the very end--who I assume to be his own offspring--is going to need decades of therapy when he grows up to find himself to be a part of this debacle.

On the plus side, it is admittedly pretty cool to get a seal to flap its appendages with you, I'll give him that.  Perhaps, in the end, Matt's legacy will be to bridge the opposition we face with our feathered and furry friends throughout the planet.

Grand Theft Audio

Thanks to the new 25th Anniversary reissue of the 1986 Grammy-winning hit album Graceland, when you listen to this early version of All Around The World Or The Myth Of Fingerprints, you can almost hear the exact moment when Paul Simon steals this Los Lobos song right out from under them. Bonus joke: "Ever since the watermelon..."--what the fuck does that even fucking mean??

Bob Welch, former member of Fleetwood Mac, dead at 65 of self-inflicted gunshot wound

Alternate headlines:

It's no 'Rumours': Bob Welch dead at 65

Bob Welch, 65, Stopped Thinking About Tomorrow

Tusk, Tusk: Bob Welch, 65, Dead of Self-inflicted Gunshot Wound

Bob Welch, 65, Goes His Own Way (with a Blast!)

Over My Head, but Apparently Needed to Aim Higher: Bob Welch, 65, Dead of Self-inflicted Gunshot Wound

Bob Welch Told to 'Never Break the Chain'; Does So Anyway

The Unintentionally Hilarious Press Photos of Bands Playing in My Area in the Near Future [Part 2] [Click Photo to Enlarge the Lulz]

Sleepy-Time Music for Sleepy-Life People

On the pie chart in my head, snooze-inducing bearded bard Bon Iver is as compelling a listen as swallowing a bottle of Lunesta.  But now that we have to take him seriously after winning the 2012 Grammy for Best New Artist, the obvious questions becomes whether or not his career will mirror that of past New Artist winners?  Out of the professional options below, pick the one he will least likely embark upon:

1. Will become, like The Swingle Singers, the source of a stupefying Trivial Pursuit question.
2. Will go blind, like José Feliciano, from congenital glaucoma but get to enjoy image-enhancing sunglasses with untapped coolness factor.
3. Will give the gift of sperm to a famous lesbian, the same way David Crosby did.
4. Will be profiled in an underground film by Todd Haynes after dying of chemical imbalances associated with anorexia nervosa.
5. Like Milli Vanilli, will be revealed to lip-synching at every performance
6. Like The Beatles, he will become the best-selling artist in history, with estimated sales of over one billion units, influencing countless genres of music the world over.

The correct answer is: g) Bon Iver who?

The Unintentionally Hilarious Press Photos of Bands Playing in My Area in the Near Future [Part 1] [Click Photo to Enlarge the Lulz]

Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion. (And their inability to realize how foolish they look.)

My pre-concert rituals are exacting and precise. The morning of the show, I greet the Sun God with some naked Iyengar Yoga while drinking Ashwagandha Tea, which combats stress and restores serenity. I dress myself in a pair of flowing Nomad Eco Pants (which I bought to wear at Burning Man five years ago) and a dark blue Onno brand organic bamboo tee. Right before bicycling my way to the concert, I smoke a heapful of Salvia for the spirit/flesh rejuvenation I will be experiencing. As soon as I am at the concert, I respond to the music with Ecstatic Dance and Spiritual Movement , letting my Chakra spell out the rhythms and lead me to an enlightened level of no return. After 9 hours of this, I usually forget where I parked my bike and I end up hitching home with one of my shoes missing.

Darling Indie Band Dies of Quirk Poisoning

By Disco:Very
Published: September 8, 2011

The Portland, Oregon indie band Jared Mees and The Grown Children have been found dead, local authorities say, due to poisoning from repeated doses of quirkiness.

Their compositions often consisted of mostly wacky, non-rock instruments (trumpet, plastic egg maracas, a girl percussionist who also sings backup while using hand signals to act out the lyrics, a band member's dog howling in unison on one of the songs, etc) as well as unending amounts of wordless ba-da-ba-da-ba-da choruses.

The quirk factor which so rapidly took their lives first infected them when the band's whimsical name was invented, and the killer cuteness only increased exponentially when the title of their debut CD Only Good Thoughts Can Stay, was christened. This quaint the-sun-will-come-out-tomorrow CD title was the first indication that the deadly quirkiness was spreading much faster than initially thought.

Their condition worsened with each charming live show and music video involving daffy hats and vintage eyewear. Friends and family of Jared Mees and The Grown Children knew it would only be a matter of time before the band was crushed under the weight of its own cleverness.

The final nail in the coffin was their decision (sadly all-too-common from most of today's indie outfits) to create a trailer for their latest album.

Because the band has influenced nobody nor made any lasting impact on today's popular culture, music lovers around the world, upon hearing the news of the band's demise, reportedly gave a collective shrug.

They are survived by Wes Anderson and Paste Magazine.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 13]

Alix Dobkin - xxAlix (LP on Ladyslipper Records, 1980)

Now that we have a Lesbian President, can we finally allow ourselves to have a laugh over this awesome aural relic? This is Camp of the highest order, every track dripping with irony-free earnest fist-in-the-air political fury (and all of it, remarkably, still available for purchase on cassette). How can you not love an album who lists the name of a key musician as River Lightwomoon and credits the album graphics as being "Typeset with Lesbian love by J. DeMaris Hearn, a Lesbian typographer"? As for the music, well, make no mistake about it: we're in total post-Ferron territory here. If you're a Grrrl wanting to get your riot on, you're about 20 years too early. For those of you reading this who are shocked by my audacity to poke some fun at what some would see as a sacred artifact, may I simply argue that my qualifications are in order. It would be remiss of me to defend myself by stating that some of my best friends are lesbians but...um, [ahem]: Some of my best friends are Lesbians.

The Errant Charm of Soft, Mild Music, Gently Stirred So as Not to Upset Those Poor Souls Coming Down While in the Recovery Tent at Bonnaroo

When you sit down to listen to the new Vetiver album and its odd cover resembling the Matador Records logo, a most curious thing happens. There, amongst droopy tunes better suited to car commercials, bank commercials and dating site commercials, the boys of Vetiver actually stop gazing at their navels long enough to rock the fuck out (in a Velvets stylee). To quote my nemesis Oliver Twist, "Please, sir, I want some more. Only make sure the next album has a lot less gruel."

Shelter Schmelter

The only question one can ask after viewing this eye-rolling/face palm inducing video: why didn't they get that dorky spaz-dancing-equals-world-peace guy to be in it?

Disco:Very Does Dallas. No, Wait: San Francisco [Part 1]

Terrible Songs Heard While Shopping at the 9th Street Trader Joe's in San Francisco and the Type of Customers & Employees Who Respond To Each Song:

Song: Island Girl by Elton John
Reactions: Young bearded employee in ball-crushing tight jeans dances in snack aisle, bobs head side-to-side while singing along; Yoga-addicted Earth Mama sings along while reading ingredients on organic trail mix bag, exhibits no ethical or ironic qualms while singing the words "Tell me what you wanting with the white man's world".

Song: You Are the Woman by Firefall
Reactions: Middle-aged female customer in layers of Tibeten shawls sings along as if romantically involved with the protagonist of the song; elderly-yet-hip employee gawks as she skips past him in the dairy aisle.

Song: Dance With Me by Orleans
Reactions: Disco:Very, while purchasing Tamari-roasted almonds, shoots self in the head.

Elliott Smith Fans Declare Jihad Against Fans of Pink Floyd. I Smell a Sitcom!

A fading street mural which happened to be randomly photographed for the cover of mopey suicide-y singer/songwriter Elliott Smith's hilariously overrated 2000 album Figure 8 was "tagged" earlier this week by low-wage lackees hired by 84-year-old Pink Floyd kingpin Roger Waters to virally promote yet another tour of the flogged-dead-horse mainstay The Wall.

The viral marketing utilized by Waters and his publicists involves high-profile/big-budget underground guerilla-styled postings promoting the upcoming tour through the use of crudely prited stickers, scripted in an excessively ornate, barely decipherable typeface.

Although the marketing campaign is being seen throughout the greater Los Angeles area, when it left its mark on the hallowed ground that is this anonymous mural on Sunset Boulevard, fans of Smith's work were outraged. "Elliott Smith literally painted this mural literally with his own blood!", screamed Smith follower Glewanda Furklemier. "You can see his tortured soul in each random curve and swirl. Why doesn't Barack Obama do something about this instead of wasting time on that silly oil spill?"

When it was pointed out to Ms. Furklemier that Mr. Smith did not, in fact, actually paint the mural, and that, instead, the photographer hired by his record company merely posed Smith against already-existing street art, Ms. Furklemier replied, "It doesn't matter who painted it. Pink Floyd is going to pay for this, mark my words. There will be a bloodbath of epic proportions, and we will choke the rivers with their dead!"

Ironically, the success of both Pink Floyd and Elliott Smith have relied almost exclusively on compositions involving depressed whining about emotional isolation, but this irony has been lost amid the uproar.

Asked to comment by phone, Roger Water's response--given while counting huge wads of cash--was, "Elliott who?"

The Songs of Bob Dylan, Refashioned Into Porno Film Titles

Tangled Up in Spooge

It Ain't Me, Baby Batter

Jizz Like a Woman

Lay Lezzie Lay

Knockin' on Heaven's Door-gasm

Subterranean Homesick Boobs

The Times, They Are A-Bangin'

Ballad of a Hung Man

Bob Dylan's 115th Dirty Sanchez

It's All Over Now, Baby Blue Balls

I Shall Be Released (Of Sperm)

Love Minus Zero/No Limit Bukkake

Blowin' in the Wind

The Joanna Newsom Drinking Game

The newest masterpiece by Joanna Newsom is about to hit stores. As you bask in its unicorn-ey goodness, have some fun and take a drink whenever she uses the following bullshit-meter-breaking words or phrases:

Svetlana

A seagull weeps

Sage

I'm oozing surprise

Yoke

Chim-Choo-Ree

Ursala

Two-by-two (re-loo-re-loo)

Inflammatory writ

Seahorse

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Gasplessly

I am big-boned and fey

Dragons

Exhume your pinecone

The Baffling Music I Listened To In The Days Of My Sappy Youth (Before I Discovered Punk Rock and Everything Changed For The Better) (Part 4)

That slamming sound you hear is from the collective jaws of my readers hitting the ground after hearing me admit to once liking the oddball collection of studio outtakes Garden in the City from Earth-mama songstress Melanie. If you're unfamiliar with her work, she's the aural equivalent of a doe-eyed pastel-shaded Margaret Keane painting.

I was introduced to her granola-infested oeuvre through a friendship with my high school's Freshman rebel. He seemed to abide alone (the parents he professed to live with were always away on mysterious "camping trips"), he sometimes smoked cigarettes and frequently got sent home from school for refusing to wear shoes. His unexplainable affection for this LP of boho folkie musings should have given me pause, but his outsider status amongst our age group drew me towards it all the more--it seemed to me just one more intoxicating swirl of icing on the iconoclast cake.

At the time, my alarming ignorance of rock history strengthened the assumption that Don't You Wait By the Water was a vérité recording of purist backwoods blues and that Lay Lady Lay was a Melanie original (after finally hearing Dylan's "cover", its curious lack of flute freakout left me wanting). Listening to the painfully sincere title track as an adult causes my eyebrows to arch ever upwards: why the freaky pronunciation of the word country? How can you befriend a cloud? To paraphrase Carla Bley's reaction to The Shaggs: that song brings my mind to a complete halt.

Although Garden in the City was not a chart-topping mega-hit, Melanie would later find fame via her soft-porn pop hit Brand New Key, as well as renewed celebrity amongst indie hipsters after being recruited by Stephen Merritt as a vocal guest of The Sixths. Garden's closing track (People in the Front Row) cemented its place in the pop pantheon after being sampled by Australian rap act Hilltop Hoods.

My shame over once favoring this musical transgression has never wavered. As soon as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame installs confessionals, I'll be the first one in line chirping my Act of Contrition.

Whose Hilariously Pretentious Song Title?

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Two Indie Rawk Darlings Scheduled to Face Off In Court This Week

A federal court Wednesday will consider the fate of a bitter fight between Portland hippy-dips Yacht (top left) and rough-and-tumble Brooklyn duo Sleigh Bells (bottom left), who claim they are “five times more rawk than Yacht”. Yacht, frequently seen posting naked against dreamy nature-like settings, isn't contesting the accuracy of Sleigh Bells’ claim, but says the argument is misleading. Yacht, in its legal response, says Sleigh Bells is suing because "we frequently refer to lightness and darkness as opposing forces of good and evil in our songs, and that paints us as New Age wimps." Sleigh Bells wants the court, which will hear arguments today, to force the music-consuming public to reevaluate Yacht’s standing in the indie rawk sweepstakes of 2009.

Sleigh Bells are asking the court to consider such endeavors as Yacht's current “Catalogue of Influences” poster as well as the title of their 2007 EP, “I Believe In You. Your Magic is Real”. “Give me a fucking break,” says Tony Melone, legal representative for Sleigh Bells. "Even Doug Henning wouldn’t have come up with a CD title that stupid, and he believed in vedic flying!”

Yacht spokesman Mark Siegel responds: “We think our music is simple, straightforward and honest," he says. “We think we're doing a great job. So what if some of that is performed while advocating awareness of extraterrestrial intelligence?"

The U.S. District Court in Atlanta will decide the question of when a band segues from merely being "simple" to becoming outright dopey. Sleigh Bells’ main beef is with the vague areas of Yacht’s lyrics and image, which denote a communion with nature and spirits.

Sleigh Bells’ image is awash in 80’s smarm and enough distortion to make your ears bleed; Yacht, in contrast, has almost no grit of which to speak. Sleigh Bells, in its lawsuit, says consumers may think Yacht’s association with LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy means Sleigh Bells offer no downtown boho cred of their own.

"If our songs are judged to be truthful but not misleading, even though they're damaging to Sleigh Bells’ business, well, that's just competition," says Tom Zellerbach, a friend of the band. But Yacht has a hurdle, too. Their website lists a mission statement and urges listeners to find importance in triangles. The court "could question whether that manifesto is beyond ass-backwards," he says.

Riffs and Variations on a Single Joke (A Not-Really-All-That-Funny Joke.) [silence.] [sound of crickets.]

How fitting that Susan Atkins, former follower of cult leader Charles Manson would pass away so close to the release dates of the two latest Sufjan Stevens albums: The BQE and Run Rabbit Run. As I sit here, listening to the spritely Movement III: Linear Tableau with Intersecting Surprise and the mournful Year of Our Lord, it occurs to me that the parallels between these two icons of American artistry have been staring us all in the face for quite some time:

Both have connections to swords. Susan Atkins witnessed Charles Manson injuring a guy with a sword. The name "Sufjan" means "comes with a sword".

• Both became so-called Born Again Christians. For Susan Atkins, this occurred in 1974 while serving life in prison. For Sufjan Stevens, this occurred in 1975 (the date of his first and, so far, only birth).

• Both are connected to nonsense ramblings which have no rational meaning but are misjudged by followers to be riddled with insight. For Susan Atkins, this can be found in the Manson's crazed racial-uprising scenario he termed "Helter Skelter". In the case of Sufjan Stevens, this can be found in such song titles as "A Conjunction of Drones Simulating the Way in Which Sufjan Stevens Has an Existential Crisis in the Great Godfrey Maze".

• Both are/were imprisoned for life due to the crimes of their youth. For Susan Atkins, it was due to her role in the Tate/LaBianca murders. For Sufjan Stevens, it's due to being forced to come up with 48 more CD's to fulfill the terms of his "Fifty States Project".

• Both initially avoided confessing to playing a part in several violent murders. Susan Atkins eventually confessed. Stevens has yet to.

In addition, the name Sufjan Stevens has 13 letters in it, the same number of letters in the phrase: You bite my butt.

In conclusion: are we still boycotting Whole Foods? It's the only place I can find green lentils.