Hilarious Headline, Referencing Article Below Yet Cleverly Playing Homage to Current News Item

The special remastered deluxe edition of Disco:Very 2001 is now available as a 320kbps bit rate. Download disc one here. Download disc two here. There's probably something snarky I can say about this but it isn't coming to me at the moment. Maybe I should take up drinking--I'd be far funnier.

The New York Times Reviews a Concert by The Honey Bees

The Honey Bees have a light yet urgent sound that evokes no less than a race towards immortality. Perky and pearly, they emit an unabashed beauty of the sort that you could carefully build a career around — as The Honey Bees will certainly do once they get off that blasted island. But one of the perils of beauty is inertia, and The Honey Bees are not about to fall into that trap, as they seemed almost too keen to prove at their beach side performance on Tuesday night, in a punchy and ultimately perplexing show.

There’s an underlying dichotomy in The Honey Bee's work, which functions both on the level of flickering intimacy and thundering grandiosity. They're adept at exuding human warmth on a sweeping scale, which might explain their tentative history with Bingo, Bango, Bongo, and Irving of The Mosquitos. Still, it’s striking how indifferent The Honey Bees are to their roles onstage. The future of the island's inhabitants rest on their tiny shoulders, yet they're unable to display the zeal required to convince The Mosquitos they, too, should be taken by helicopter in a last desperate attempt to finally leave their tropical prison.

What that means in practical terms is that The Honey Bees engineer wave upon wave of glittery combustion, sometimes packing several boomlets into their one and only hit You Need Us. Ms. Ginger's precisely rhapsodic solo was the concert’s most audacious feat of musicianship, followed by Ms. Mary Anne's corn-fed purring. The blue blood of the trio, Mrs. Howell, took full advantage of both accompanists, basking in their expertise and squaring it against her own inability to stay on tempo.

[Contrast this to the recent ramshackle debut performance of The Gnats at this same venue earlier this week and you'll notice a marked difference in quality.]

For much of the concert, the audience provided them with boisterous support. And there was a sturdy dynamism in the entire show, especially considering it was comprised of a performance for only a single song.

Instead the show barreled on to its mildly surreal conclusion: rather than rescue the castaways, as promised, The Mosquitos ultimately renege, citing as their main reason the superiority of The Honey Bees over their own talents, despite their having recorded a live album at Carnegie Hall.

In the end, The Honey Bees ended where they began, artistically stranded, left adrift in a sea of musical mediocrity. For this reviewer, it was obvious their ship had long ago sailed into the sunset.

Disco:Very Translates His Own Press Release Touting Free Give Away of Remastered Release of Disco:Very 2001

On May 24th, 2012, world-renowned music blog Disco:Very will reissue the acclaimed Disco:Very 2001 year-end compilation, which was originally given away to a small number of friends and family in December 2001.

[In this case, "world-renowed" means weird sections of the American midwest and two readers in Ireland, and "acclaimed" means "some people actually kept their CD's for a year before tossing them in the garbage".


"There is not a week that goes by without some fan of my current CD's asking if I will ever reissue the earlier comps", said Disco:Very CEO, Disco:Very. "The time felt right to remind the public why we are at the forefront of custom-made CD compilations given out free-of-charge on an annual basis." 

[How very edgy: still working in a media format less popular than the wax cylinder.]


As it has done for the past 12 years, blog readers are instructed to send their name and address to Disco:Very's e-mail address whereupon a CD will be immediately mailed to the requester.  Because Disco:Very respects its readers privacy, fake names are allowed in each request as long as the address is real.

[The validity of claims to privacy cannot be verified, so keep your soiled underwear locked up just to be sure.]


Longtime readers of Disco:Very and newbies alike will find much to like in this nostalgic trip from 2001, including artists familiar (The Magnetic Fields, Jurassic 5, Sigur Ros) and some off the beaten path (Zero Zero, Marvin Pontiac, Zoot Woman.)

[Anyone in the internet age who still can't stumble upon the music of Radiohead on their own must be some kind of specialized idiot. ]


The audio and cover art has been redesigned and remastered from top to bottom, so even if you already own an original Disco:Very 2001 CD, you should consider adding this newer edition to your collection for its crisp remastering and bold minimalist graphics.

[The original artwork from 2001 was so hideous, it was best to throw it all away and stick to the design of the last few years just to play it safe.]


Disco:Very is a music blog publishing since 2005 where it made a name for itself as an incisive, inflammatory blog of opinion, reviews and music links.

[In other words, just like every other music blog clogging cyberspace, but the author of this one doesn't know the meaning of the words "Give it up, already".]

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 17]

The McGuire Sisters - May You Always b/w Achoo-Cha Cha (7" on Coral Records, 1958)

The A-side of this single by The McGuire Sisters is a dull affair, pedestrian in its arrangements and sentimental yearnings, but the B-side involves allergic reactions which, as we know, always make for great music (though not always). This tune's theme is universal, which explains why it's a worldwide hit, with an admirable flexibility allowing it to be performed with everything from an inoffensive Branson, Missouri twist to an oddly instrumental man-with-stuffed-monkey camp fest. Now all we need is someone to write a tango about mental depression.

Vag-Tastic!

Am I the only fan of this song who assumed the first line was "Vagina is greater..."?  In my mind, I had assumed this was some pro-Matriarchy right on Feminist treatise.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 14]

Thelonius Monster - The Boldness of Style EP (12" EP on Relativity Records, 1987)

Although they were often simply thought of as the West Coast version of The Replacements, the Los Angeles sextet Thelonius Monster never quite reached the ramshackle pinnacles of their Minneapolis counterpart (read: they didn't drink as much). This 3-track EP contains the college rock/funk single Walk on Water (produced by Flea, fittingly) from their sophomore LP and two unreleased tracks (one of which is a live recording and probably the only officially-released example of their who-gives-a-fuck live act.) Although a number of their other LPs are now available on iTunes, this one is not. Thus I feel secure that by posting this download, I will not be harassed by The Man. Will the band itself force me to cease and desist? Only time will tell.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 12]

Carmaig de Forest - I Shall Be Released LP (Good Foot Records, 1987)

Mixing the bone-dry wit of Woody Allen, the rejected romantic disillusionment of early Elvis Costello and the scrappy political passions of Billy Bragg (if he was brave enough to play ukelele), the debut effort from punk/folk troubadour Carmaig de Forest should have been a much bigger hit than it actually was. One could say the stripped-down rawk arrangements could be attributed to the record's producer Alex Chilton, but music this acerbic doesn't need much more than what's already here to prove its point.  I wish de Forest was still making albums like this--in today's wacko political environment, his sardonic take is sorely needed.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 10]

The Texas Instruments - The Texas Instruments LP (Rabid Cat Records, 1987)

It's almost quaint to listen to the debut self-titled album by Austin's The Texas Instruments and remember how, for some of us, this hybrid of souped-up post-hardcore and politicized country punk was going to somehow eradicate all the backwards governing during the years of The Gipper.  Now we have Michelle Bachman as a front runner for the 2012 election and the loonies are strategizing to run the asylum.  Oh well.  At least now I can upload this LP to my iPod and pretend it's making Zombie Reagan spin in his grave.

That's Why Darkness Was Born

Thank goodness the dour art-damaged early-80's are over, allowing us the emotional distance to observe bands like Danny & the Parkins Sisters from a safe distance. The Mein Leben ist Scheiße Welt mindset on such tracks as This World is Bleak, War (Is On Your Doorstep) and On My Block (with its deliciously overwrought delivery of such couplets as Black boots/Bag o' loot/No one's gonna/Tell you the truth!) is enough to make you mainline Percocet. My own vinyl copy of this 8-track post-punk (but seemingly pre-rehearsal) masterpiece can now be sold to the highest bidder thanks to Chapter Music reissuing it on CD (yes, this occurred a year ago but don't mock me for only discovering this now--I've been very busy), even seeing fit to pad it with 10 extra tracks of live recordings and demos (such as We Are Indians, which has all the political correctness of a Sondra Lee dance routine). Buy this CD and relive the heady days when underground music was gleefully giving Reagan the finger with every note they played.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 9]

The Flies - Get Wise (LP on Homestead Records, 1984)

Your parents always pegged you as a lazy fuck, and I'm afraid I have to agree. You took too long to download Get Wise by Boston 80's indie rockers The Flies over at Wilfully Obscure and now it's all gone. As your mom and dad would say: "That's what you get for staying out all night and forgetting to call to let us know where you were." Don't worry, though. Disco:Very will help you out yet again, the way we always do. You can get the entire album (which sounds akin to The Standells if Bob Dylan was their lead vocalist) here, plus I'm even throwing in their debut single (and its quaint out-of-date reference to pay phones), which even Wilfully Obscure doesn't even seem to have. I'm betting they're as much of a disappointment to their parents as you have been to me. I hope you remember how much I helped you when I'm in the nursing home and need someone to drive me to CVS for my happy pills.

Lost and Found

The next time someone tries to sell you a rare copy of a Flying Lizards CD for $200, you just spit right in their mouth, mister, and let them know you have already have a dealer for that particular drug. In late 2010, RPM Records became a hero to New Wave record collectors everywhere by issuing a 2-CD set of the self-titled debut album by The Flying Lizards, as well as the much sought-after follow-up Fourth Wall. [Yes, I'm late boarding this trendy train because none of you bothered to tell me about it earlier, thank you very fucking much.] Both albums were only available as expensive Japanese imports and have been out of print for decades, and although this new reissue lacks a few tracks which the Nippon release included (specifically Glide and the Single Edit of Move On Up), I couldn't bear to live a life without this snappy 2-fer in my quivering hands.

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 6]

The Texas Instruments - Good Times in Rhythm (7" single on Matako Mazuri Records, 1986)

Sloppy/poppy electrified punk/folk (complete with Bob Dylan vocal inflections) made during that brief moment in history when Austin, Texas was the coolest place on the planet. What's that, you say? It still is? Oh, ok then. Carry on.

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 1]

Al Perry & The Cattle - Fraidy Cat (cassette, 1986)

Nearly sixty minutes of sloppy lo-fi cowpunk instrumentals recorded on a cheap ass four-track with a portrait of Link Wray looking on in approval. Each sans-vocal track is a mini masterpiece, with the average running time barely eclipsing the two-minute mark. The range of sounds go from punk (with a hint of blues) to country/western (with a dash of punk) to blues (with a smidgen of surf) to noise (with a blast of noise wrapped in a deep-fried tortilla made of noise). This is quite possibly the greatest local release to ever come out of Tucson, AZ. If you aren't interested in hearing it, I will pee on your grave.

Who'll Stop the Rain? Perhaps If We Plug the Clouds with All Those Fucking Tribute Albums on the Market, That Might Help

If you're hard-up enough to purchase John Fogerty: Wrote a Song for Everyone just to hear any number of are-they-still-alive? artists pay respects to the Creedence Clearwater Revival song-penner, you might think twice before purchasing it via iTunes, seeing how they inexplicably mis-label the best track: Fortunate Son, performed by Al Perry, recorded during his ill-advised but thankfully short-lived obsession with The Go-Go's. That's all. Class dismissed.

Most of My Heroes Don't Appear on No Stamps

Now that more of my pop culture icons are dying off, I've come to the slow realization that the artists who most changed my life are the least likely to have their passing mentioned on any mainstream TV shows.

Case in point: this morning, still in a daze over the untimely death of Lux Interior, I switched on The Today Show expecting them to do a little retrospective video piece on his life. What the fuck was I thinking??? Somehow I equated my enormous affection for Lux with the amount of popularity his death would receive in the dominant culture.

This has led me to conceive of a formula to articulate just how important a dead celebrity was in my life: if the newly-deceased artist garners no mention on the network news, they are truly one of my all-time favorite musical heroes. If the deceased artist garners video tributes on every channel--with sad tinkly music underneath--this means they are one of my sworn enemies.

When Iggy Pop dies, there will be no mention on mainstream news. Ergo, he is one of my all-time favorite musical heroes.

When Billy Joel dies, there will be retrospective videos all over the fucking place. Ergo, I hate his guts.

When Exene Cervenka dies, there will be no mention on mainstream news.

When Joni Mitchell dies, there will be retrospective videos all over the fucking place, doubtless with one of her sappy ballads played underneath.

Daniel Johnston? No mention.

Paul Simon? Non-stop video tributes.

Bob Mould? No mention.

Stevie Nicks? Non-stop video tributes.

Mick Collins? All-time favorite hero.

Joan Baez? Non-stop video tributes.

Mark E. Smith? All-time favorite hero.

Kim Gordon? All-time favorite hero.

Captain Beefheart? All-time favorite hero.

You can play this game at home yourself. All you have to do is wait for a celebrity to die. Usually, the wait isn't very long.

PS: Rest in peace, Lux. You will be missed.

Old Farts at Play

Thursday, March 27th, 2008

CLEVELAND – The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum breaks ground today on its newest feature, the You're Not Necessary Nursing Home and Euthanasia Insta-Clinic, which is scheduled for completion in early 2009. This new facility will house past-it performers who, after being forcibly removed from irrelevant tours plugging recent releases, will be sedated into retirement using a potent mixture of lobotomy-inducing drugs.

"Sadly," explains Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum President and CEO Terry Stewart, "The idea for a rock and roll nursing home was in the planning stages just as we heard about the upcoming albums by such give-it-up-already artists as The Breeders, R.E.M. and The B-52's. If we had conceptualized it, say, a year earlier, the illegal-downloading public would have been saved from having to endure these wrinkled nothings as they attempt to regain their artistic footing long after it has already withered away like so many thinning hairdos."

"Around here," he continues proudly, "We call these types of albums 'musical comb-overs'".

While the nursing home component of this facility will be off-limits to the general public, the Euthanasia Insta-Clinic will be a fun-filled exhibit for the whole family, allowing paying visitors to "pull the plug" on their favorite musical artists whose spotlight should have been extinguished long before they embarked on yet another reunion tour or, in the case of R.E.M., the dreaded loud-guitars-show-we-haven't-lost-our-balls grand comeback album.

Some of the more notable mercy killings at the Euthanasia Insta-Clinic will take a somewhat creative bent. The B-52's, for instance, will be killed by being forced to wear breathable cotton fabrics (or, if necessary, plaid). In the case of The Breeders, it will involve reintroducing them to the pleasures of heroin.

This new facility is financed in part by the generous corporate sponsorship of Jim Beam, Taco Bell and Mix 106.5 FM.

For more information, contact the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum at (216) 781-ROCK.

Taking Flight

Snicker at me if you must, but I'm shedding tears (above and below the waistline) over the Flying Nun: Heavenly Pop Hits documentary currently being offered in various segments all over You Tube. It's more than an historical perspective on one of indie music's most thrilling success stories, it's also a chance for non-New Zealanders (such as moi) to see rare footage and music clips for the first time. Why, the mere act of watching my pop heroes The Clean mug and bounce to some of their early hits is enough to make me give up oxygen for Lent.

10 Thoughts On Viewing Sly Stone on the Kraft Music Hour

Join me as I work through an intense ongoing obsession over Sly & the Family Stone, fuelled as much by the recent reissues of their entire back catalog as it is by this video, showing the band performing on the Kraft Music Hall (titled here as Kraft Music Hour) circa 1967 (you can download an audio version of this televised performance here). After watching this video repeatedly about 15 times in one sitting, I have cemented the following observations:

1. Seriously, people--can you imagine how delirious it must have been to be a part of this small audience, being able to witness one of America's best soul/rock acts at the absolute peak of their immense musical powers, watching them pound out hit after glorious hit, one after the other, right before your eyes? Also, you're very stoned so clapping on the wrong beat doesn't mean you're not one with the universe.

2. How deliciously wicked it must have been to hear the racey "Don't Call Me Nigga, Whitey" performed during the usually squeaky-clean Kraft Music Hour. Company founder James L. Kraft must have been spinning in his grave (unless he was hip to this groove, in which case he was the coolest White guy ever born in 1874).

3. At the time, it must have been every musician's dream to play in this band. True, Sly Stone later became a cocaine-addled zombie, often failing to show up for stadium gigs and threatening his fellow band members with guns, but hey--think of the easy access you'd have had to Sly's drug stash.

4. I would give anything to be able to dance like the audience member grooving next to the drummer at the 3:10 mark except, you know, not in public and with no television cameras to preserve it for future generations.

5. When I see that woman's feet doing the little "chicken shuffle" step at the 6:25 mark, I always think, "I've got to incorporate that move into my life somehow. Perhaps I'll employ this dance while at the copy machine at work...see if it advances my career somewhat..."

6. It's difficult to understand why it took the FBI so many years to arrest radical activist Angela Davis. She's sitting right there at the 3:57 mark, Nixon Administration! Get on it!

7. That little here-we-go-round-the-PCP-bush jig which Sly Stone performs at the 7:50 mark is almost as amusing as the gold lamé blouse tied around his torso. The operative word here is: almost.

8. Regarding the platinum blonde hair atop the head of keyboard player and back-up singer Rose Stone--do you think the throw rug matched the slip cover?

9. It always makes me sad when Rob Reiner looks at the camera right at the 7:28 mark, because you just know Archie Bunker is watching this on TV and when he sees Meathead on his television set, there is going to be hell to pay when he gets home.

10. I'm going to stop with the observations. I just cued up viewing number 16.

Children's Letters to God (Disco:Very Is God) (God Is Dead)

Today's Letter:

From your good friends at Ticketmaster. Please read the e-mail thoroughly for all the details.

YOU ARE INVITED TO RECEIVE COMPLIMENTARY TICKETS TO RICK SPRINGFIELD'S WORKING CLASS TOUR 2007 ON SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30th

Grab your friends and take a trip back in time when the Working Class Tour 2007 hits town, featuring 80's pop stars Rick Springfield, Eddie Money, and Patty Smyth and Scandal!

**Please Note: 8 Ticket Limit. There is a $1.00 per ticket service charge and a $3.55 per order processing fee. Supplies are limited. Offer can be discontinued at any time.

To get your tickets just go to: http://pff-insider.c.topica.com/maahW4wabBrknbspcyRb/

Remember the Special Offer Code is: ROCKIN

God Replies:

Dear Ticketmaster:

You read my mind. The '80's were rad.

Please send me 46,733,576 tickets. I am sending a check for $212,637,770.80 to cover service charges and processing fees.

It will be worth every penny if I get even a small glimpse of Rick Springfield's leathery 58-year-old man nipples.

Best Regards,

God

No Future For You

Tue Sep 18, 8:08 AM ET
LONDON (AFP) - Punk legends the Sex Pistols announced Tuesday that they will stage a one-off gig in November to celebrate the 30th anniversary of their controversial album Never Mind the Bullocks. The band, who spearheaded the 1970s punk movement in England with singles like "Anarchy in the UK" and "Pretty Vacant", will play London's Brixton Academy on November 8, they said on a music paper's website.

I propose making it a more interesting reunion: directly above the band hangs a sturdy platform loaded with enormous newly-sharpened knives, all of them poised downward. The pulley rigged to this platform is activated by sound. As the band launches into each pathetic, retread, nostalgic punk hit, the platform is lowered towards the stage. The less songs they play, the longer they stay alive. C'mon, science! Why haven't you invented a device like this yet?