Disco:Very Celebrates 2012 Record Store Day, Black Friday Edition [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 1

Unnamed Local Record Store Chain:  [Name/Location of store], this is [name].

Disco:Very:  Happy Record Store Day, the Black Friday Edition.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Laughs] OK..yup.
Disco:Very:  I’m not sure if you’re into Coheed and Cambria.  They’re an epic metal prog band who totally rock my world with their epic songs, and their latest album, The Afterman: Ascension, is going to be part of an ongoing story line told in musical form about The Amory Wars.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Already losing interest--long pause.] OK.

Disco:Very: The Amory Wars is set in Heaven's Fence, a collection of 78 planets held in place by interconnecting beams of energy, known as the Keywork. The first half of the story narrates Coheed Kilgannon and Cambria Kilgannon's struggle against Wilhelm Ryan, the Supreme Tri-Mage (which is later referred to as the Archmage) and the second half of the story focuses on the heroic journey of their son, messianic Claudio Kilgannon. Over the course of the story, Claudio assumes the mantle of The Crowing, the epic foretold savior of Heaven's Fence. In the end, he will face the Archmage, absolute ruler of Heaven's Fence and the one ultimately responsible for the death of Claudio's family.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Laughs] OK, so did you have a question about that?

Disco:Very:  Dude, it’s an epic tale of good vs. evil and these albums only chronicle the opening chapters.  It’s going to be so epic!
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: Did you want me to look an album up for you or...I mean...[Laughs nervously]...what exactly are you calling about?

Disco:Very: Well, the deluxe version of the album was released with a coffee-table book co-written by Claudio Sanchez and the epic writer Peter David, and it was intended to give a song-by-song experience of the epic concept album. The album follows The Amory Wars storyline, and concentrates on the character Sirius Amory.   But I heard there is going to be a special Deluxe Edition which contains a new version of the coffee-table book which has three new additional pages added.  So I was hoping you could let me know what’s on these three additional pages.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: Well, I can't really do that over the phone.  Why don't you come in and we'll check it out that way, OK?

Disco:Very: [Trying to keep him on the phone as long as possible.]  Plus this new edition will contain glossy illustrations of each character depicted in the story, plus a sticker showing a battle scene from The Amory Wars, and a slim booklet explaining how to listen to and understand the concepts of the album, a removable tattoo depicting the heroic battle of Coheed Kilgannon and Cambria Kilgannon as they struggle against Wilhelm Ryan, and a pen and pencil set with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a coffee mug with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a pair of chopsticks with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a box of dark chocolate made of 86% Cacao with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a stack of Post-It Notes with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a pair of bedroom slippers with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a framed portrait of the Coheed and Cambria logo, a Power Balance hologram bracelet which uses holographic technology to resonate with and respond to the natural energy field of the body and increase sporting ability with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a jar of mayonnaise with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a VooDoo doll with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a thumb tack with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a beach towel with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it--
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Interrupts.] I don't have time for this shit [Hangs up].
Disco:Very: Hello?  Are you still there?  Hello?

Mother Sky, Sister Moon

Sometimes, when La Luna is aligned with Sagittarius, I shuffle over to the stereo in my oversize kaftan and put on Mother Sky from Can's 2nd album Soundtracks and I just jam and jam and jam, shaking my dreadlocks until they're sore and begging for a good shampoo. Later, I strip down, put on a crisp white shirt (making sure my long translucent neck is jutting out of the collar, buttoned to the top) and play A Kitchen In The Clouds from the Come On compilation The Come On Story, all the while cutting my balding wispy hair to a choppy length. When I look in the mirror, I remind myself that I've been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song. I put the words and the melodies together. I am music and I write the songs.

Hot Child In The Citay

Bret B., close personal friend at Post-Punk Junk, don't be a hater for what I am about to spew: Citay, a new side-project of Ezra Feinberg (Piano Magic) and Tim Green (The Fucking Champs) is everything I violently despise made manifest--harmonic multi-tracked guitar solos with pompous overdramtic rock flourishes a la Queen, cribbing from Heart rather than Led Zeppelin, lyrics which are probably about, fuck, I don't know, leprechauns and wood sprites and moon goddesses or whatever the fuck, all of it graced with flutes and mandolin, etc--and yet, despite these traits, I like them. Correction, I love them. You heard me, Bret. I'm all about the L Word. Won't you hold my hand and skip into the thick of the forest with me while we sing along to Nice Cuffs? If any of you love pixie nymphs as much as I do, you'll gladly purchase this self-titled cd for yourself at Important Records.

The Kids, Whose Attention Span Has Apparently Increased And Are Now Seeking More Classically-Informed Rock Music, Are Alright

The kids in the street are chanting their demands, and they want Prog. If Prog was a meat, the kids would be blood-thirsty, ravenous wolves ripping and snarling their way through a freshly-killed meal. To stretch this metaphor further, Delay 68 Records (which has just released Prog Is Not A Four Letter Word, a nifty comp of international math rockers) is the lone zoo-keeper poking raw flesh on sticks through the feed door of each cage. Although the album's definition of Prog is rather loose (Powiedzielismy Juz Wszystko by Breakout sounds more like Queen than King Crimson), there are many gems to unearth, such as Lambaya Puf De by Baris Manco, which almost has a smooth Punjabi funk thang going on, and if you put your ear to the boogie rock cowbell of Nem Erdekel Amit Mondsz by Illes you can almost hear the roar of topographic oceans. If those aren't reason enough to buy this fine compilation, perhaps you'll be motivated by wanting to own what is quite possibly the year's most untasteful cover art.  This album is ugly on the outside and ugly on the inside.

Bombast For The Bored

Now that concept albums are once again in vogue (thanks to you, Billy, Bixler and Stevie), the time is right for the grand reissue of two wonderfully bombastic out-of-print collector's holy grails that are a kind of Thick As A Brick for the post-Weezer set: L'Enfant Assassin Des Mouches by the French composer (and arranger for Serge Gainsbourg) Jean-Claude Vannier and Le Monde Fabuleux Des Yamasuki, by the French/Japanese micro-orchestra Yamasuki. Both albums are reissued by the crate-digging maniacs at Finders Keepers Records, and both will make your hair stand on end. If you are losing your hair, they'll make it grow back. Le Roi Des Mouches Et La Confiture and Mort Du Roi Des Mouches (Vannier) contain enough romantic strings, sexy sitar stylings and heavy metal crunch to make you flip what's left of your wig. Meanwhile Seyu Sayonara and Yama Yama (Yamasuki) is akin to hearing Pacific Overtures remixed by DJ Doom. Buy both CD's for maximum bugging out. You have nothing left to lose but your mind.