With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 18]

The Crafty Ladies - A Crafty Ladies Christmas (7-track EP 7" on Harlod Records, 1994)

[Click photos to enlarge the lulz.]

I'm so sorry posting this.  I'm very sorry.  Dear god, forgive me.  I'm so sorry for this.  Oh my, oh dear.  I apologize to each and every one of you.  I'm feeling so guilty for posting this.  Oh my, I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  I'm so sorry.  This is the most offensive thing I've ever posted.  I'm so sorry.  There will be a special place in hell for me.  Oh my god, I am so sorry.  I hope you can forgive me someday.  I deeply apologize for this.  I'm so sorry.  I'm so very sorry.  Mea culpa.  Mea maxima culpa.  Please forgive me, baby Jesus.  I'm so very sorry.  I'm so sorry posting this.  I'm very sorry.  Dear god, forgive me.  I'm so sorry for this.  Oh my, oh dear.  I apologize to each and every one of you.  I'm feeling so guilty for posting this.  Oh my, I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  I'm so sorry.  This is the most offensive thing I've ever posted.  I'm so sorry.  There will be a special place in hell for me.  Oh my god, I am so sorry.  I hope you can forgive me someday.  I deeply apologize for this.  I'm so sorry.  I'm so very sorry.  Mea culpa.  Mea maxima culpa.  Please forgive me, baby Jesus.  I'm so very sorry.

"Goat's Head Soup" Was Already Taken

Rejected cover ideas for Grrr!, the latest album by The Rolling Stones.

Steve Albini Attacks The Flaming Lips for Turning Audience Into 'Slave Labor'

Chicago Dispatch Daily
Chicago, IL - September 17, 2012

Now that former Rapeman Producer/Songwriter Steve Albini has assailed former Dresden Dolls band member Amanda Palmer for what he alleges is exploiting her fan base after asking them to perform as her backing musicians without financial compensation, he how has his sights set on a new foe.

Oklahoma psych-popsters The Flaming Lips, and their now-traditional concert practice of outfitting audience members into animal costumes and making them frolic onstage behind the band.

"An artist should always strive to be financially and artistically autonomous", says the 50-year-old Musician/Producer. "But when you're asking your audience to make up more than half of the entertainment you're providing, it amounts to slave labor."

"If a homeless man can figure out how to live self-sufficiently on these mean city streets, then so can The Flaming Lips. A better business model, it seems to me, would be to simply add 50 members to your band and pay them to dance onstage dressed as a bunny each night. It's only right and natural."

But that's not all: Mr. Albini is preparing to battle with another injustice he sees in today's corporate rock industry: asking the audience to clap along with your music.

"I happen to catch a set by The Dum Dum Girls", Albini continues, "And there was one point of the show where the band began clapping to the beat during an instrumental passage. The audience began to mimic this clapping and essentially take it over from the band. Why not reward each audience member with a $20 bill for asking them to carry the rhythm section on their back? They're fans, which means they're going to do almost anything you ask them to, but this doesn't give you an excuse to abuse your privileges as an artist."

As for future plans, Albini has announced he will be bringing his fight into other areas of the entertainment industry, including magicians who ask for volunteers to be sawed in half, and comedians who expect the audience to answer such questions as "Who here is married?" while waiving any monetary benefits.

Class Action Suit Filed Against Estate of Kurt Cobain

Seattle Star News - Seattle, WA
September 13, 2012

A class action suit against the late singer/songwriter Kurt Cobain of Nirvana was filed earlier today by a small group of underground bands, including The Raincoats, Screaming Trees, Meat Puppets, The Vaselines, Eugenius, and Beat Happening, among others, for what they contend is reverse slander, the first lawsuit of its kind.

“When Kurt began championing us to his fans, it put undue pressure on us to live up to the expectations,” says Ana da Silver of UK female punk act The Raincoats. “This led to hundreds of people coming to our live shows and buying our records, and all of them came away unconvinced that we were as important as Kurt made us out to be. We were wobbly and dull—-barely a band which anyone should worship the way he did.”

“Then, in 1996, we were signed to Geffen Records and forced to record an unremarkable album [Looking in the Shadows] which ended up in the 99 cent remainder bins in record stores around the world, and it’s all Kurt’s fault. I’ve never forgiven him for what he put us through.”

Former Eugenius front man Eugene Kelly (later of The Vaselines) faced a similarly harrowing experience. “We weren’t exceptionally interesting, but as soon as Cobain began telling all of his fans that [Eugenius] were one of his favorites, our popularity went through the roof, and quite honestly, we didn’t deserve it. His fans initially embraced us but quickly retreated once they realized we were nothing special, and it drove me into a deep depression from which I am only now recovering.”

The class action suit seeks unspecified damages. The spokesman for the Cobain Estate could not be reached for comment, though Cobain's widow Courtney Love has weighed in via her Twitter page, yesterday tweeting the following statement, “Gng to kill all f u, vis cm the money u sk fks wnt wnt tuch yr lps.”

Disco:Very Responds to Reader E-Mails

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been
tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of
garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been?

I've been just fine, thanks for asking. Who is this, by the way?

In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana.. we used to chat a bit
on facebook and then I think u deleted me :( haha.. anyways guess what...
I got 2 things to tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me
and my bf broke up about 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving?
RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know
there.. well 3 cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..

Wow, that's great news, Adriana. I don't recall deleting you on Facebook because, truth be told, I've barely figured out Facebook well enough to add postings, let alone delete anyone. Plus, my Facebook page is just me ranting about music, so why would I want to delete anyone from it? Maybe you said something upbeat about Modest Mouse? So sorry to hear about your break up--are you doing OK? You don't seem too upset about it so I'm assuming it was just a fling. Can you tell me where, exactly, you'll be moving by me? I live in a pretty ghetto neighborhood--very lower-lower-lower-middle-lower-class, so I'm worried for your safety.

I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted
to chill so now we finally can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping
this email addy is still the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore
i get there.. maybe even help me move my shit in...are u still on facebook?
i coudnt find ui was soo confused...anyways im gonna need someone to show
me the town and take me out so u better be around bebe...

Hmmmm, I don't recall saying you were cute since I've never even seen you, and judging by your name and your grammar skills and your gender, I'm going to guess you're not my type. As for helping you move, yes I do own a large pick up truck but I don't even know you. That's kind of a lot to ask from a complete stranger.

i wanted to get ot know u better when i was single..and i thoguth u were
cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about
me.. well im 23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for
drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv
her to death... uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont
admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..

Adrianna, I don't mean to be judgmental but why would a 23-year-old woman be interested in meeting a 48-year-old who keeps a grumpy music blog? Are you sure these e-mails are going to the right guy?

I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the
fone before i get there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna
chill and arent married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when
i get there..

State and Federal laws prohibit me from marrying so you have no worries there. I can make some job recommendations but first you'll have to start using Spell Check, OK?

id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current
job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i
currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out
meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i
did? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out
on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat
with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i
figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play
with myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO
THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need
help once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like i
said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON
STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im
hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..

So you send e-mails to people while sitting around naked? What's the harm in that? That's usually how I blog. Big deal.

ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each
of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u
can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like
everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can
chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY
USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more
than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER... i figured u cud
always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me
login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room...

Hey, does Natalie has a snake tattoo on her left arm and a pierced uvula? If so, I think I know her cousin. He borrowed my Buck Owens boxed set and never returned it. Can you put me in touch with Natalie so I can get it back?

if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but
remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U..
I TRUST U... im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..
also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( I
really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern
remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably
soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. i
really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my
stress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u in
insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont

My readership only numbers in the single digits so I don't think you have anything to worry about.

wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me
now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there
after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign
to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im
gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS
INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...k babe im out
for now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana

I don't have any balls, so kick away. They were removed in a freak blogging accident.

FREE VIP BYPASS LINK ------>> http://bit.ly/PFB5e0

So...did you wanna talk about the new album from The Fresh & Onlys or something? I noticed your e-mail didn't mention a single album or band. Adriana? Are you still there?

The New York Times Reviews a Concert by The Honey Bees

The Honey Bees have a light yet urgent sound that evokes no less than a race towards immortality. Perky and pearly, they emit an unabashed beauty of the sort that you could carefully build a career around — as The Honey Bees will certainly do once they get off that blasted island. But one of the perils of beauty is inertia, and The Honey Bees are not about to fall into that trap, as they seemed almost too keen to prove at their beach side performance on Tuesday night, in a punchy and ultimately perplexing show.

There’s an underlying dichotomy in The Honey Bee's work, which functions both on the level of flickering intimacy and thundering grandiosity. They're adept at exuding human warmth on a sweeping scale, which might explain their tentative history with Bingo, Bango, Bongo, and Irving of The Mosquitos. Still, it’s striking how indifferent The Honey Bees are to their roles onstage. The future of the island's inhabitants rest on their tiny shoulders, yet they're unable to display the zeal required to convince The Mosquitos they, too, should be taken by helicopter in a last desperate attempt to finally leave their tropical prison.

What that means in practical terms is that The Honey Bees engineer wave upon wave of glittery combustion, sometimes packing several boomlets into their one and only hit You Need Us. Ms. Ginger's precisely rhapsodic solo was the concert’s most audacious feat of musicianship, followed by Ms. Mary Anne's corn-fed purring. The blue blood of the trio, Mrs. Howell, took full advantage of both accompanists, basking in their expertise and squaring it against her own inability to stay on tempo.

[Contrast this to the recent ramshackle debut performance of The Gnats at this same venue earlier this week and you'll notice a marked difference in quality.]

For much of the concert, the audience provided them with boisterous support. And there was a sturdy dynamism in the entire show, especially considering it was comprised of a performance for only a single song.

Instead the show barreled on to its mildly surreal conclusion: rather than rescue the castaways, as promised, The Mosquitos ultimately renege, citing as their main reason the superiority of The Honey Bees over their own talents, despite their having recorded a live album at Carnegie Hall.

In the end, The Honey Bees ended where they began, artistically stranded, left adrift in a sea of musical mediocrity. For this reviewer, it was obvious their ship had long ago sailed into the sunset.

Staying Propped Up

Oklahoma psych-rockers The Flaming Lips tearfully announced on their website that they have run out of ideas for costumes and props for their highly-visual lead singer to wear and are now seeking the public's input for a rash of new ideas. As a public service to this iconic band, Disco:Very submits the following outfits for the band's consideration:

DARTBOARD COSTUME
ADVANTAGES: Playful game-like costume will encourage increased interaction between the band and the audience, recontextualizing conceptual boundaries of the performance space and its place in the larger public sphere.
DISADVANTAGES: Due to excessive consumption of alcohol by audience members, many will assume the costume to be a literal dartboard, leading to the throwing of actual pointed darts towards lead singer, possibly leading to severe injury, blindness or death, followed by protracted lawsuits between the band, its management and the venue's lawyers. Also, silly prop costume gives the band another way to hide the fact that they have no real songwriting skills of which to speak.

PINK RIBBON COSTUME
ADVANTAGES: Raises public awareness of the serious topic of  breast cancer and health issues for women, encouraging female audience members to schedule regular screenings with their doctors. Tour can be co-sponsored by local Breast Cancer Awareness organizations, who would be permitted to raise funds via strategically placed information booths at outdoor concert venue.
DISADVANTAGES: The mention of breasts will make those in the audience under the influence of various reality-enhancing drugs to giggle uncontrollably during entire concert. Also, silly prop costume gives the band another way to hide the fact that they have no real songwriting skills of which to speak.

FLESH COSTUME
ADVANTAGES: This costume's blank form examines notions of life's meaning and existence, questioning many facets of religion, morality and life itself. With no cultural signifier present, viewer is free to project identity and purpose to the person inside the costume, or eschew involvement altogether. Audience members at the band's outdoor concerts can engage in lengthy and complex philosophical discussions while waiting in line at the Port-o-Potty.
DISADVANTAGES: Heat created by stage lights will create large wet spots in crotch area resembling urine stains, thereby negating the seriousness of the entire image. Also, silly prop costume gives the band another way to hide the fact that they have no real songwriting skills of which to speak.

YOUTUBE PARODY COSTUME
ADVANTAGES: Makes a symbolic commentary on issues of celebrity and identity, positioning lead singer, now framed within the format of a YouTube video, as target for the public's love and approval or, conversely, scorn and hatred. Audience can ruminate on the Internet's role in creating and discarding instant popularity worldwide through viral videos and related media.
DISADVANTAGES: Attempts to parody a popular website created over seven years ago will position the band as hopelessly out of date, especially considering the band's rapid advancement towards senior citizenry. The word "YouBoob" is a wince-inducing, painfully-unfunny pun on the iconic website's name, further solidifying the band's unfashionable disconnection from pop culture. Also, silly prop costume gives the band another way to hide the fact that they have no real songwriting skills of which to speak.

Christian Rock Band Makes Music Video. Hilarity Ensues.

Gauging from the talent with which they've been blessed, their God must really hate them. Perhaps they're not praying hard enough?

Break On Through To the Other Side (Of a Non-Physical World Which May or May Not Exist)

Preparations

Disco:Very: I'm hoping to get in touch with downbeat indie folk spokesman of a generation Elliot Smith.
Lisa Williams: First off I will need a personal item of the deceased.
Disco:Very: How about this used copy of Figure 8, the last album he'll ever release (barring endless posthumous recordings dug up by his family in an effort to pad their royalty checks for the next 20 years)?
Lisa Wiliams: I'm frightfully sorry but in order for me to channel the energy of the dead, the personal item needs to have been owned by the deceased. Did Elliot Smith himself personally touch this recording?
Disco:Very: [Sobbing] Every song he ever wrote was touched by him personally! [Shreiking in pain] NOBODY WHO WAS A REAL FAN OF ELLIOT SMITH WOULD EVER ASK A QUESTION LIKE THAT!!!

The Reading Commences

Lisa Williams: We are about to enter the Spirit World. Basically I act as a bridge. I go between the physical reality to which you are accustomed and enter what I call The Energy Sphere which is where your dearly departed Elliot Smith resides. You might say I'm like a waiter--I take requests from you, the hungry customer and I pass your request on to the Chef, i.e. the deceased. And the deceased will whip up a scrumptious dish of Spirit Wisdom, served with a side order of Tears, Hugs and Understanding. For dessert, we offer a scoop of Closure. And then I present you with a whopping check.
Disco:Very: Can I pay with Food Stamps?

Entering the Spirit Sphere

Lisa Williams: I'm sensing something...I'm sensing a reflection, something shiny...
Disco:Very: [Excited] Is it the dark mirror which Elliot Smith held up to society so as to make us more aware of our own pain and suffering?!?
Lisa Williams: It appears to have a handle at the end...
Disco:Very: [Bored] Oh. It's probably the knife he used to stab himself in the chest. [Yawns.]
Lisa Williams: Would you like to communicate something to Elliot Smith?
Disco:Very: Yes, yes I would. Elliot, can I get a refund of $14.99? Its the amount I spent on Either/Or back when it first came out and after only the first verse of the first song, I immediately felt cheated.
Lisa Williams: Elliot is trying to say something back...I see an F and a U...an F and a U...
Disco:Very: Who knew that a overly-depressed heroin addict could be so feisty? And would spell "Fuck You" incorrectly?

The Conduit to the Spirit World Wraps It Up

Lisa Williams: Is there anything else you'd like to convey to your dearly departed?
Disco:Very: Sure thing. Elliot, if there really is a Rock and Roll Heaven, does that mean everyone and anyone up there is allowed to join the band? Sure, you want John Lennon to take part in some capacity, and maybe Jimi Hendrix (if he promises to keep the guitar wankery to a minimum) but are you obligated to allow Sonny Bono to take part? Or Sublime vocalist Bradley Nowell?
Lisa Williams: He appears to be fading...I seem to be losing him...
Disco:Very: Please tell me he isn't darting away to rehearse for any upcoming Heatmiser reunions...

Black Is The Color Of My True Love's Hair Is The New Black

Free Jazz and I are like oil and water: specifically, I'm the cheap rusty sludge coming from the faucet, and Free Jazz is the fancy aged European olive oil in a thick hand-crafted dark brown bottle. But in the Salad Bowl of Art-Damaged Free-Form Squealing, Patty Waters and I blend into a harmonius mixture of flavors, thanks to her notorious squawk-fest Black Is The Color Of My True Love's Hair. Ms. Waters takes this oft-covered Old World folk tune and bites it raw, spitting it out onto your lap like so much chewed Play-Doh. You haven't heard singing this deranged since Yoko Ono metaphorically fell into bed with Ornette Coleman and birthed Aos, the illegitimate love child which split up The Beatles. If, like me, you haven't yet learned how to suck at the nipple of the Free Jazz teat, skip on over to Destination Out where you can discover Patty Waters and more at A Beginner's Guide To Free Jazz, proof positive that the freshness date on your current favorite music genre expired at least 40 years ago.

I Find You Intoxicating

Alcohol is an improvement, not an impairment. Take a listen to the mighty Balfa Brothers performing La Valse des Bombaches twice: the first time, seemingly sober (taken from The Balfa Brothers Play Traditional Cajun Music.) The second time, drunker than Haley Joel Osment looking up my skirt after being soaked overnight in a gallon of Night Train (this track found on the Rounder Records release Louisiana Cajun French Music, Volume One.) The choice is obvious: Thunder, meet Bird. I now pronounce you shit-faced.

The Jade Tree of The Jaded

Emory the Emo Emu has lost his way and can't figure out which Emo band listed below is for real and which ones are merely fakes saddled with terrible names! Can you help him find out the truth?

Eyelash Wishes
As Tall As Lions
Climbing The Branches, Touching The Sky
Birth, Life, Death
Nothing More Than This
Under The Influence Of Giants
Rainfall/Rainbow
Her Vagina, Smiling
While My Guitar Gently Weeps
These Arms Are Snakes
The Ground Below, The Sun Above
Tears As Wide As Rivers
I Ache, You Ache, We All Ache For Romantic Disillusionment-Ache
The Pillow, Tear-Stained
From Ashes Rise
Crushed And Put Away
Clouds of Ennui
My Shriveled Manhood In Your Hands
Blame The Stars
Four Walls Falling
That Darkly Comic Scene in Harold And Maude (You Know The One)
Cast Down, Again and Again
Really Funereal
allinlowercasewithoutspaces
Young Widows
Blue Balls Of Romance

(Answer: It was a trick question. Real or not, they're all saddled with terrible names.)

The Right Stuffs

Have any of you heard the news about this huge scandal swirling around Mel Gibson? Apparently there is a video circulating showing him stuffing his chubby Right Wing face and loudly burping while his long-suffering boyfriend Kevin Federline looks on, and...no, wait. I think I got the story wrong. Wasn't it Prince William drunkenly grabbing the boob attached to one Lindsay Lohan at a posh London nightclub (or was it Oprah Winfrey's lesbian husband)? You see, this is the confusion which comes of working utterly exhausting 12-hour days several weeks in a row. The blogging suffers, my mind suffers, you suffer...the entire web suffers! Perhaps it's best to just play the music, in this case, the not-at-all-in-the-news Jewish faith, best exemplified by electronic maven Gershon Kingsley as he cooks up a little kosher Kiddush (or is it Kaddish)? Thanks to tunes like Security Song, the entire God Is A Moog album is like a post-Follies-era Stephen Sondheim musical about the joys of circumcision laced with Moog farts. You could say this Shabbat ain't too shabby.

Ergo > Therefore

Not Going To Bed (the new single from Andrew WK) is to I Won't Grow Up (from Peter Pan) as Tom Verlaine's All Weirded Out is to Psychotic Reaction. Discuss.

It Takes One To Know One

George W. Bush and I are a lot alike. For starters, we are both former dum-dum coke-inhaling frat boy alcoholics who only wrangled our way into Yale thanks to our father slipping some green towards the school. Second, we've both been wasting our time and energy: he on Iraq (anyone with half a brain could have told you North Korea is more dangerous than Saddam Hussein), me on latter day ELO (anyone with half a brain could have told you ELO 2 is more dangerous than Out Of The Blue.) I mean, jeez, just listen to Momma... and Born To Die. Don't they make you just...I don't know...want to clear that never-ending brush which seems to creep up on your Texas ranch every vacation time?

Forget It, Disco:Very, It's Chinatown

My assumption has always been that Fraidy Cat and Little Hitler--the two stray felines that showed up on my doorstop recently--were brother and sister, mostly by their markings and their inseparable nature. So imagine my surprise when I found Fraidy Cat digging into his in-heat sibling last night like a Rototiller. Little Hitler seemed pretty content, acting all like Do You Wanna Scratch It? The mere sight of this "Incest Is Best" performance shocked me to no end, and I Can't Stop Thinking About It. As a result, I Can't Sleep At Night and it's giving me a Chemical Imbalance (to sum up, I Don't Feel So Good). Talking with a local kitty abortionist, she assured me that it's perfectly normal for male felines to think nothing of a brother/sister scene and that kittycat Girls Like It Too, so I ultimately decided that That's Alright With Me. Plus, I'm A Robot named Lulu who gets that Microscope Feeling whenever I Walk Up The Street towards The League of Women Voters. Also, I'm A Bug. Success! Whatever tracks off the UK comp Static Disaster which I couldn't fit into this narrative can be bought at Tone Vendor.

Grits Are To Potatoes As My Arm Is To Your Ass

Let's get one thing perfectly clear: I do not like the taste of hot grits. I do, however, like the song Hot Grits by Elijah & The Ebonites (from Eccentric Soul: The Capsoul Label). And another thing: I do, indeed, like potatoes. I also like the song Mo' Taters by The Earthworms (from Las Vegas Grind, Volume 2). One more thing: I do not want to see any of you doing that "Good To Go" crooked arm gesture from those annoying Taco Bell commercials. Let's not let this non-trend get any further than the TV screen, okay? If I find any of you speaking or acting out this phrase, you'll have to pry my crooked arm gesture from your ass.

Serving Up Some Khold Cock

Damn you, Aquarius Records--you've gone and got me hooked on Black Metal. It's bad enough I find myself listening to the total-joke-band-even-if-they-claim-they-aren't-a-total-joke-band joke band Goblin Cock (Stumped sounds more Queens Of The Stone Age than it does King Diamond), but to make matters worse, Innestengt I Eikekiste by Norwegian death rockers Khold has been rocking my iPod for two days non-stop. AQ calls them the Nirvana of Black Metal, whereas I see them more as The Beatles (if they sang catchy pop tunes after smoking a dozen boxes of unfiltered cigarettes), My Bloody Valentine (for the multi-channeled, layered guitars) and early REM for the nonsense lyrics I come up with when I try to sing along:

"In the state behind your sister
You wrote a letter, signed it 'Mister'
Sounds alike, you're a water
Mr. Merchant, forced your daughter
(Chorus) I'm mixing teabags
I pissed on Doo Rag
Short decline
Some strap a He-Rag..."


Please be aware that I know you have some inclination as to the definition of a "He-Rag".

Are You There, God? It's Me, Disco:Very.

When you're confronted with the hands-down punk genius of a band such as The Electric Eels, it's easy to scratch your head in bafflement as to why they weren't more popular. Could it have been because the group (all of them straight) used to passionately kiss onstage to piss off the rednecks in the audience? Was it because their lead singer was more of a lead snarler and purposely started violent fistfights with his fellow bandmates during every show? Perhaps the record-buying public was put off by the title of the 1988 compilation God Says Fuck You (top left). Personally, when I hear song titles such as Agitated, Anxiety and You're Full Of Shit, the band instantly becomes bigger than Jesus in my book. Perhaps if they had been anthromorphized to make them more approachable, they would have enjoyed the adulation given to the Lamisil mascot Digger the Dermatophyte (top right). If marketers can make toe infections appear cartoonish, why not a pissed-off mid-70's punk group? Tap your (infected) toes to this top-notch piece of punk history at Amazon.

Footprints In The Sand

One night, I dreamed I was walking along the beach with Pop Music. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there were one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, and I was forced to hear somewhat boring, critically-praised, safe pop music that wasn't all that interesting such as Death Cab For Cutie instead of pop music that made me want to shreik and dance and sing and punch my fist in the air and play air drums and fuck and fight and kick people in the head. So I said to Pop Music, “You promised me, Pop Music, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always and provide me with fun youthful pop such as The Chalets and Cansei De Ser Sexy. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life, when I was forced to put up with the pretentious swill of Modest Mouse, there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me, and instead foisted dull cutie-wootie artists such as Bright Eyes on me?” Pop Music replied, “The times when I provided downloads of catchy ditties such as Red High Heels and Hollywood (Electro Grunge Shit Version), the times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you.” (Buy the new cd by The Chalets from Amazon.co.uk, and buy Cansei De Ser Sexy from iTunes Music Store.)