Making Up the Lyrics of Two Kate Nash Songs Based on Her Own Brief Descriptions in a Recent Article Within Spin Magazine

“I’m not on [Billy Bragg’s] level, but on my new album there are a couple of songs about serious issues: ‘I’ve Got a Secret’ is about homophobia; and on ‘Early Christmas Present’, I’m talking about cheating on someone and leaving them with an STD.” --Kate Nash, Singer/Songwriter, quoted in Spin Magazine, June 2010

I’VE GOT A SECRET
I've got a secret
I’m keeping deep inside
In my black little heart it does reside
I don’t like seeing guys kissing on guys
Or watching women eat each other’s pies

[Chorus]
I’ve got a secret, but it’s a secret no more
Being open-minded is such a chore
I’m a homophobe
Yes, I’m a homophobe
Watching ‘Glee’ is such a bore

Rainbow flags really piss me off
And no male doctor will make me turn my head and cough
I don’t want a man to be touching me down there
And I don’t think women should ever have short hair

[Repeat Chrous]


EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT

What’s inside this box?
Unwrap it and see
It will make you smile
It will hurt when you pee

[Chorus]
Even though it’s only April
I’m giving you your Christmas haul
It’s a warm dose of Chlamydia
And it's one-size-fits-all

It took so long to pick out
Because you’re hard to buy for
But an STD is the perfect gift
To come from a cheating whore

Christmas time is magical
It's a time for living large
But even the Baby Jesus
Would be grossed out
By your penis discharge

[Repeat Chorus, Ad infinitum]