I Suck. You're Welcome.

The last day of every year always yields many dull and predictable events: nutter religious figures predicting the end times, over-zealous bargain hunters digging through bins of Christmas decorations slashed half-off, etc, etc.

Sadly, this little blog is no better.

Once again, I announce my sub-meager annual end-of-the-year CD compilation pulling together my favorite songs from the past 12 months.  This 2CD set (cleverly entitled Disco:Very 2011) has 40 tracks  of toe-tapping, head-slapping beauty guaranteed to make you dance around the house.

To get your free copy of this one-time-only gift, simply send your name (fakes accepted) and address to peecat at mac dot com and the package will be on its way.  Your name and address will be thrown away after your package has been sent, and will not be shared with anyone else.

It's the end of the year as we know it (and I feel fine giving away cheap CDs to random strangers).

It's Better to Light a Bulb Than to Curse the Darkness

Some Random Thoughts Upon Viewing Fucked Up Playing David Comes to Life in Its Entirety.

It's understandable that the lead vocalist Damian Abraham would remove his shirt during the first song--the room appears to be packed with slithery writhing bodies--but then why is drummer Jonah Falco wearing long sleeves? Does a drummer not work up a sweat? Does a drummer not bleed if you prick his skin?

What does the string quartet do in between their moments in this concert? When they're not playing, they are nowhere to be seen. Do they just sit there wearing earplugs and humming Handel to themselves? If I was a classically-trained cellist, I'm not sure I'd want to sit through an entire Fucked Up set, even at Union wages. I'd hear that cacophony of squall and think, "I went through Juilliard for this??

When lead vocalist Damian Abraham encourages the audience to finish his lyrics at the end of each line, or worse, gives each of them a high-five during guitar solos, it's the equivalent of Sting initiating a sing-along at a reunion show of The Police. I want it to stop.

Lead guitarist Josh Zucker looks a little bit like my friend Jeff Glave who, last time I saw him, was growing his hair out in a shaggy/ridiculous hippy-dippy fashion. I want it to stop.

Why does lead vocalist Damian Abraham put his shirt back on for the encore? I would think, after such a rousing performance, he would be more likely to stay stripped down, perhaps even getting more stripped down, as he did in the latest issue of Spin. Is this a cry for attention?

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 15]

Monopoly Queen ‎– Monopoly Queen / Let's Keep It Friendly (7" Single, Sub Pop - 1994)

Live Blogging the 8,236,146th Viewing of Party Rock Anthem Kia Soul Hamster Commercial

I'll watch this dreck so you don't have to.

0:01  This landscape looks not unlike the Occupy Wall Street protest going on outside my office window right now.
0:03  Damn space aliens and their aggressive take-over-the-Earth rampages!
0:06  The two warring factions don't look all that dissimilar. Question: are the creators of this commercial imparting a deeper meaning?
0:11  Answer: The Kia has arrived so apparently not.
0:15  I saw some sneakers similar to this at Ross Dress for Less once but they only had them in size 12 so I had to pass.
0:19  Think of how much different our lives would be now if Run DMC had dressed in pastels and Iridescent Taffeta.  And also if they had been hamsters.
0:21  You can say whatever you want but those fucking rodents can dance!
0:28  Those killer robots work hard, but they party hard, too.
0:31  Look at that rave bro in the upper left corner!  He's all, like, "Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!".
0:40  A Rastafarian hamster playing bongos at a dance-off in a war-torn landscape??  Now I've seen everything!.
0:47  I'm not sure what's worse: a future devoid of trees where aggressive intergalactic robots will wreak destruction upon our very souls, or a a future devoid of trees where aggressive intergalactic robots will wreak destruction upon our very souls where the only available car is a Kia.

Disco:Very Openly Invites Reader Hostility, Defends Most Hated Album on the Planet

The dirty diapers at Pitchfork went and gave Lulu, the debut collaboration between Elder Statesman Lou Reed and mosh mascots Metallica, their lowest available rating, and from the uproar one finds all over the music webisphere, Pitchfork is not alone in their disgust. Indie purists, please. Calm the fuck down. If there's one thing we've learned about Saint Lou over the years, it's that he's never going to stop merging his interest in highbrow literature with his passion for rock and roll. Stop insisting that he write another Sweet Jane and let the man fucking do his thing. If you can't slam your fists around the brutality which envelops the galloping Dragon or sink into the beauty of the lovely, lyrical 20-minute closer Junior Dad, then move along. Better yet, give it another spin, ignore Hetfield & Company and just pretend it's Robert Quine, Fernando Saunders and Doane Perry backing him instead.

Demise of R.E.M. Spurs Related Performers to Step Up Their Game

September 22, 2011
Disco:Very, Athens, GA

Yesterday’s surprising announcement by classic-rockers R.E.M. that, after 31 years of success, they will be calling it quits, led many in the music industry to mark the passing of an era.

But not so for the iconic dancers in the famous music video for“Stand”, who are now ready to take the spotlight for themselves. “Our group has been practicing day and night for the last 23 years, preparing for this very moment, and they’re now ready to shine!”, says Sandra Foley, representative of The Stand Dancers who, upon hearing the news of R.E.M.’s break-up, have scheduled a 6-month worldwide tour to coincide with renewed interest in the band.

Foley promises that every Stand Dancer will be present on stage, including fan favorites Tall Geeky Guy Wearing a Muscle Shirt While Being Skinny as a Q-Tip and Sporting a Most Unfortunate Ponytail and Token Dreadlock Woman Wearing a Questionable Choice of Knee-High Black Socks with Loafers While Wanting to Dance in a More Funky Manner But Is Clearly Held Back by the Half-Assed Indie Rock Rhythms.

“The popularity of The Stand Dancers has never been stronger,” Foley continues. “So to please their many fans, they’ll be performing everyone’s favorite moves: Kick, Jump, Arm Jive, Turnaround, as well as…well, that’s the only dance step they’ve got right now, actually.”

Because The Stand Dancers’ routine amounts to barely 2 minutes of screen time in the timeless video, Foley has promised that the rest of the 3-hour performance will be filled with appearances from other R.E.M.-related superstars, including: The Boy Rummaging Through the Detritus of a Messy Abandoned Home (the boy is now a bloated 33-year-old unmarried father of five children), Big Nosed Curly-Haired Woman Resembling Michael Stipe in Drag Who Dramatically Looks Left and Then Right, and Every Single Person Suffering in Silence During an Emotionally-Painful Traffic Jam.

Grandma Got Run Over By the Art School Performance Artist Equivalent of a Reindeer

Hmmm. Yeah, I remember the first time I watched Liquid Sky...

Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion. (And their inability to realize how foolish they look.)

My pre-concert rituals are exacting and precise. The morning of the show, I greet the Sun God with some naked Iyengar Yoga while drinking Ashwagandha Tea, which combats stress and restores serenity. I dress myself in a pair of flowing Nomad Eco Pants (which I bought to wear at Burning Man five years ago) and a dark blue Onno brand organic bamboo tee. Right before bicycling my way to the concert, I smoke a heapful of Salvia for the spirit/flesh rejuvenation I will be experiencing. As soon as I am at the concert, I respond to the music with Ecstatic Dance and Spiritual Movement , letting my Chakra spell out the rhythms and lead me to an enlightened level of no return. After 9 hours of this, I usually forget where I parked my bike and I end up hitching home with one of my shoes missing.

Darling Indie Band Dies of Quirk Poisoning

By Disco:Very
Published: September 8, 2011

The Portland, Oregon indie band Jared Mees and The Grown Children have been found dead, local authorities say, due to poisoning from repeated doses of quirkiness.

Their compositions often consisted of mostly wacky, non-rock instruments (trumpet, plastic egg maracas, a girl percussionist who also sings backup while using hand signals to act out the lyrics, a band member's dog howling in unison on one of the songs, etc) as well as unending amounts of wordless ba-da-ba-da-ba-da choruses.

The quirk factor which so rapidly took their lives first infected them when the band's whimsical name was invented, and the killer cuteness only increased exponentially when the title of their debut CD Only Good Thoughts Can Stay, was christened. This quaint the-sun-will-come-out-tomorrow CD title was the first indication that the deadly quirkiness was spreading much faster than initially thought.

Their condition worsened with each charming live show and music video involving daffy hats and vintage eyewear. Friends and family of Jared Mees and The Grown Children knew it would only be a matter of time before the band was crushed under the weight of its own cleverness.

The final nail in the coffin was their decision (sadly all-too-common from most of today's indie outfits) to create a trailer for their latest album.

Because the band has influenced nobody nor made any lasting impact on today's popular culture, music lovers around the world, upon hearing the news of the band's demise, reportedly gave a collective shrug.

They are survived by Wes Anderson and Paste Magazine.

Live Blogging The 2011 Telluride Film Festival

I have an idea how Sony Pictures Classics can market their forthcoming Holocaust survival flick In Darkness: "It's Schindler's List...filmed in tunnel vision!"  Also, they should consider changing the title to the catchier Sewer Jews.

George Clooney is here in person, apparently. This caused several people to riot, burn down dozens of theaters and march through the streets with Ken Burns' head impaled on a pitchfork.

This year's Guest Director (and one of my musical heros) Caetano Veloso is signing autographs today, and I've brought several CD's for him to mark up. Here's how I hope it will go down:

Disco:Very: Good evening, Caetano. You are but a god.
Caetano Veloso: Thank you, Disco:Very. You are one of my idols.
Disco:Very: When you give me the signal, I will overthrow the U.S. Government and smash the capitalist pigs.
Caetano Veloso: The time to end America's reign of terror is upon us!
Disco:Very: Viva Los Gringos!

Here is how it will really go down:

Disco:Very: Good evening, Caetano. You are one of my favorite musicians and--
Caetano Veloso: [Quickly signs my CD with a rubber stamp bearing his signature.] Done. Next!!

A Doom Metal Announcement

[Sung to the tune of Seance by Furze.]

I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I wi-i-i-i-illlllll be-e-e-e-e-e-e-e
a-a-a-a-awa-a-a-a-a-ay fo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-rrrrrr a we-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-k
a-a-ate-e-e-ndi-i-i-i-innng The Telluride Film Festival

I-i-i-i-ffff I-I-I-I-I-I-I do-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-n-nt re-e-e-e-e-etu-u-u-u-unnn,
it w-i-i-i-i-lllll be-e-e-e-e be-e-e-e-eca-a-a-use
I joi-oi-oi-oinnned The Demonic Order in the Eternal Fascist's Hall.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 14]

Thelonius Monster - The Boldness of Style EP (12" EP on Relativity Records, 1987)

Although they were often simply thought of as the West Coast version of The Replacements, the Los Angeles sextet Thelonius Monster never quite reached the ramshackle pinnacles of their Minneapolis counterpart (read: they didn't drink as much). This 3-track EP contains the college rock/funk single Walk on Water (produced by Flea, fittingly) from their sophomore LP and two unreleased tracks (one of which is a live recording and probably the only officially-released example of their who-gives-a-fuck live act.) Although a number of their other LPs are now available on iTunes, this one is not. Thus I feel secure that by posting this download, I will not be harassed by The Man. Will the band itself force me to cease and desist? Only time will tell.

Disco:Very Reviews an Amos Lee Concert in Limerick Form

There once was a Lee named Amos
His faux-folk schtick made him famous
His concert in our town
Made us all scowl and frown
His songs are shit--can you blame us?

Calexico was dullish backing band
Main ingredient: music quite bland
Slow beats and strum-a, strum-a
Makes for show of total bumm-a
Can't this type of stuff be banned?

At times, band numbered thirteen
Including pointless tambourine
Too many musicians
Urges one to petition
To replace them all with machines

Drummer looked like senior citizen
Makes for pathetic depiction
His balding grey head
Made him look almost dead
To play for whole show he needs insulin

Guitarist's dress code elicited "Why???"
Due to skinny jeans and skinnier tie
Looked just like a bloke
Who would play for The Strokes
Or Joe Jackson or Eye to Eye

One song was about "Our Troops"
It made me take mental poops
Flag waving refrain
Brought tears to my brain
Thought: "The level to which this man stoops!"

Audience was mostly white meat
Had trouble clapping to the beat
Lee wants to be Black
But true soul he does lack
His street cred a total conceit

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 13]

Alix Dobkin - xxAlix (LP on Ladyslipper Records, 1980)

Now that we have a Lesbian President, can we finally allow ourselves to have a laugh over this awesome aural relic? This is Camp of the highest order, every track dripping with irony-free earnest fist-in-the-air political fury (and all of it, remarkably, still available for purchase on cassette). How can you not love an album who lists the name of a key musician as River Lightwomoon and credits the album graphics as being "Typeset with Lesbian love by J. DeMaris Hearn, a Lesbian typographer"? As for the music, well, make no mistake about it: we're in total post-Ferron territory here. If you're a Grrrl wanting to get your riot on, you're about 20 years too early. For those of you reading this who are shocked by my audacity to poke some fun at what some would see as a sacred artifact, may I simply argue that my qualifications are in order. It would be remiss of me to defend myself by stating that some of my best friends are lesbians but...um, [ahem]: Some of my best friends are Lesbians.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 12]

Carmaig de Forest - I Shall Be Released LP (Good Foot Records, 1987)

Mixing the bone-dry wit of Woody Allen, the rejected romantic disillusionment of early Elvis Costello and the scrappy political passions of Billy Bragg (if he was brave enough to play ukelele), the debut effort from punk/folk troubadour Carmaig de Forest should have been a much bigger hit than it actually was. One could say the stripped-down rawk arrangements could be attributed to the record's producer Alex Chilton, but music this acerbic doesn't need much more than what's already here to prove its point.  I wish de Forest was still making albums like this--in today's wacko political environment, his sardonic take is sorely needed.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 11]

Los Jilguerillos del Naranjo - Los Jilguerillos del Naranjo LP (Canon Records, Unknown Year)
My shaky comprehension of even the most simplistic Spanish does not keep me away from an old-fashioned stripped-to-the-basics Norteño hoedown.  Forget all the hyped-up techno-electro schlock you hear from today's Conjunto acts.  This shit is the bomb--even more so since the "O" in the charming Canon Records logo resembles one.  I know absolutely nothing about this band (I can't even figure out what the band's name means in English) and merely purchased it on its colorful graphics alone.  Does that make me shallow?  (And does this shallowness make my butt look big?)

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 10]

The Texas Instruments - The Texas Instruments LP (Rabid Cat Records, 1987)

It's almost quaint to listen to the debut self-titled album by Austin's The Texas Instruments and remember how, for some of us, this hybrid of souped-up post-hardcore and politicized country punk was going to somehow eradicate all the backwards governing during the years of The Gipper.  Now we have Michelle Bachman as a front runner for the 2012 election and the loonies are strategizing to run the asylum.  Oh well.  At least now I can upload this LP to my iPod and pretend it's making Zombie Reagan spin in his grave.

Would You Like to Try a Sample Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

To those who are suckers for those moments when a band uses a noteworthy sample for a moderately interesting twee-pop song, be sure to check out Your Own Religion by TV Girl, which employs sections of Yama Yama by The Yamasukis. That is all.

That's Why Darkness Was Born

Thank goodness the dour art-damaged early-80's are over, allowing us the emotional distance to observe bands like Danny & the Parkins Sisters from a safe distance. The Mein Leben ist Scheiße Welt mindset on such tracks as This World is Bleak, War (Is On Your Doorstep) and On My Block (with its deliciously overwrought delivery of such couplets as Black boots/Bag o' loot/No one's gonna/Tell you the truth!) is enough to make you mainline Percocet. My own vinyl copy of this 8-track post-punk (but seemingly pre-rehearsal) masterpiece can now be sold to the highest bidder thanks to Chapter Music reissuing it on CD (yes, this occurred a year ago but don't mock me for only discovering this now--I've been very busy), even seeing fit to pad it with 10 extra tracks of live recordings and demos (such as We Are Indians, which has all the political correctness of a Sondra Lee dance routine). Buy this CD and relive the heady days when underground music was gleefully giving Reagan the finger with every note they played.

If There is a Jukebox in Heaven, I'll Bet It Never Requires Any Coins (Nor Would It Require Electricity) (Or Records)

Almost three years after the unbearably sad death of Lux Interior, I am now on Stage 6 of the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief: listening to The Cramps Jukebox over and over and over in the vein hope that repeat listens of this 2-CD set will miraculously bring him back to life. Songs on this (authorized?) CD, such as Did You Mean Jelly Bean (by Joe Clay), Bila (by The Versatones), Real Wild Child (by Ivan), Olds Mo William (by Paul Peek) and Jennie Lee (by Jan & Arnie) are but a shallow balm for all the pain and loss in which I am still very much engaged. I'm so terribly lonely and cold. Hold me.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 9]

The Flies - Get Wise (LP on Homestead Records, 1984)

Your parents always pegged you as a lazy fuck, and I'm afraid I have to agree. You took too long to download Get Wise by Boston 80's indie rockers The Flies over at Wilfully Obscure and now it's all gone. As your mom and dad would say: "That's what you get for staying out all night and forgetting to call to let us know where you were." Don't worry, though. Disco:Very will help you out yet again, the way we always do. You can get the entire album (which sounds akin to The Standells if Bob Dylan was their lead vocalist) here, plus I'm even throwing in their debut single (and its quaint out-of-date reference to pay phones), which even Wilfully Obscure doesn't even seem to have. I'm betting they're as much of a disappointment to their parents as you have been to me. I hope you remember how much I helped you when I'm in the nursing home and need someone to drive me to CVS for my happy pills.

The Errant Charm of Soft, Mild Music, Gently Stirred So as Not to Upset Those Poor Souls Coming Down While in the Recovery Tent at Bonnaroo

When you sit down to listen to the new Vetiver album and its odd cover resembling the Matador Records logo, a most curious thing happens. There, amongst droopy tunes better suited to car commercials, bank commercials and dating site commercials, the boys of Vetiver actually stop gazing at their navels long enough to rock the fuck out (in a Velvets stylee). To quote my nemesis Oliver Twist, "Please, sir, I want some more. Only make sure the next album has a lot less gruel."

Lost and Found

The next time someone tries to sell you a rare copy of a Flying Lizards CD for $200, you just spit right in their mouth, mister, and let them know you have already have a dealer for that particular drug. In late 2010, RPM Records became a hero to New Wave record collectors everywhere by issuing a 2-CD set of the self-titled debut album by The Flying Lizards, as well as the much sought-after follow-up Fourth Wall. [Yes, I'm late boarding this trendy train because none of you bothered to tell me about it earlier, thank you very fucking much.] Both albums were only available as expensive Japanese imports and have been out of print for decades, and although this new reissue lacks a few tracks which the Nippon release included (specifically Glide and the Single Edit of Move On Up), I couldn't bear to live a life without this snappy 2-fer in my quivering hands.

Shelter Schmelter

The only question one can ask after viewing this eye-rolling/face palm inducing video: why didn't they get that dorky spaz-dancing-equals-world-peace guy to be in it?

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 8]

Bis - Everybody Thinks That They're Going to Get Theirs 7" (4-song 7" on Wiiija Records, 1997)

One could easily argue that this post-pubescent squeal-pop, excessively jacked up on youth and Kill Rock Stars-esque verve, doesn't hold up very well in today's aural landscape. However, one could just as well surmise that when the 18-year-olds of today want to revive the musical fads of the 1990's (as is their won't), Bis will be at the front of the parage. Prediction: the downtown traffic for this electro-ska/punk EP I'm offering will spike in about, oh, five years. [Click on images above to see enlarged cover art.]

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 7]

"The Madam" - The Sensuous Black Woman (LP on Kent Records, [year of release unknown])

A full-on NSFW soul sister instructional, backed by greasy, slinky grooves and enough X-rated pillow talk to make you get down with your bad self and turn even Redd Foxx a beet red. My cassette copy has grown old in the tooth, so it was time to bring it forward into the 21st century, but I can assure you, similar to those of you who only read Playboy for the articles, I swear on a stack on Rudy Ray Moore albums that I only listen to this album for the music.

Only in 3's

Because these things always happens in 3's, there will be one more music-related celebrity death by the end of today, and furthermore, just like Poly Styrene and Phoebe Snow, the third death will have the initials "PS". Based on this formula, here are my guesses:

1. Pete Seeger
2. Paul Simon
3. Paul Stanley
4. Peter Sframpton

Please don't send me any hate mail about this list. I am a music scientist, and this is my research.

Disco:Very Dissects Album Covers - Part One

Artist: The Steve Miller Band
Album: Let Your Hair Down
This witty album cover depicts a well-dressed bald man with a rabbit on top of his head. In the background is a woman in a red gown. There is no connection as to why the bald man and the woman in the background are dressed in fancy evening wear. Perhaps they will be watching a special performance of the rabbit which perches on the man's head?

Directly underneath the sitting rabbit is a ladder, which was used by the rabbit, one assumes, to climb atop the bald man's head. This seemingly unconnected image becomes clear once the viewer reads the name of the album, Let Your Hair Down. The title references the action in the photo in that a rabbit is sometimes called a hare; thus, this man will be letting his hair (hare) down via the tiny ladder provided. The irony is intensified due to the man in the foreground being bald, meaning, he has no hair--and yet he does have a hare.

The conundrum bears the risk of exasperating the viewer until one explores what the album title means: letting your hair down is a common English-language phrase meant to suggest that one is too uptight and, therefore, needs to let loose or unwind somehow, usually accomplished by letting one's hair down--for instance, if the uptight person is a woman whose hair has been tied into a tight bun. This is a device used in many feature films and commercials wherein an uptight woman, say, a professional Librarian, will take off her glasses and unfasten her hair, thus making her more sexually available to the male (and in some cases, female) population. Many political pundits speculate that this is one of the main attributes which sustains the popularity of former Governor Sarah Palin. Most of her male followers are hoping that she will loosen her tightly-knotted hair-do and allow herself to become more available for sexual favors.

Because this is an album of blues-bases rock-and-roll, we must explore the context of the title as it relates to the genre of music it illustrates. One of the significant qualities of blues-based rock-and-roll is that it allows one to feel free and relaxed, usually with dancing or by imbibing alcoholic beverages during a rock concert. Thus, this album of blues-based rock-and-roll by former hit artist The Steve Miller Band will allow the listener to kick up their heels (though not literally) and let their hair down due to the music's pounding rhythms and sexually-suggestive lyrical content. The visual depiction of the rabbit on the man's head reinforces the notion that this album will encourage the listener to avoid the constraints of society which, presumably, corner the listener into taking on uptight or safe behavior. Thus the album cover sketches the theme of the album within the boundaries of a simple photograph.

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 4

Store Clerk: [Name of record store].
Disco:Very: Hi, I'm calling to see about a title you might have in stock.
Store Clerk: OK, who's the artist?
Disco:Very: The band is Chicago, and it's a special Record Store Day reissue of one of their albums, but I don't know the title.
Store Clerk: That's OK, give me a sec and I can look that up.
Disco:Very: I wasn't able to come in on Record Store Day so now I'm worried you might not have any left. It's a limited-edition reissue.
Store Clerk: Well, I'm looking through our list of Record Store Day releases and I don't see anything by Chicago on here...
Disco:Very: I'm sure I'd remember the title if you just ran through a few of them you have listed in your database.
Store Clerk: [Pause, realizing this is going to be a laborious phone call] Well, they have a lot of titles here...I'm looking at them and they're all numbers, or mostly, you know, Roman Numerals.
Disco:Very: Could you maybe just run a couple past me? I'm sure the one I'm thinking of will ring a bell.
Store Clerk: [Long pause.] Well, I mean, there's "Roman Numeral Three"--these are all in Roman Numerals--there's "Roman Numeral Seven"...I think there was probably a "Four", "Five" and "Six" but I'm just reading you what we have in stock.
Disco:Very: Those don't ring a bell. Could you read the rest?
Store Clerk: [Pause, annoyed sigh.] Uh, "Roman Numeral Seven"--
Disco:Very: No...
Store Clerk: "Roman Numeral Eight"--
Disco:Very: No...
Store Clerk: "Roman Numeral Nine"--
Disco:Very: No...
Store Clerk: "Roman Numeral Ten"--
Disco:Very: Wait, which one did you say??
Store Clerk: "Roman Numeral Ten".
Disco:Very: [Long pause.] Hmmmm...no...
Store Clerk: [Annoyed grunt.] They're all pretty much Roman Numerals, and there's like 30 of them or...it goes up all the way to 32 or 34 so it doesn't make much sense for me to keep reading them. Just...you know, do you remember the number or not?
Disco:Very: Did you say "Roman Numeral 34"?
Store Clerk: Yes, that's the last one in succession. It might not be the latest reissue but--
Disco:Very: Yeah, yes. That's the one. That's the one which got a special reissue, I'm almost certain.
Store Clerk: [Becoming increasingly annoyed.] Well, I'm not seeing a special reissue of this, I don't see a reissue on my regular database and it's not in the Record Store Day releases either.
Disco:Very: Oh, well, I forgot to mention that it's going to be under a completely different title. For this special edition reissued on Record Store Day, instead of using Roman Numerals, they've used Egyptian Numerals so the name of the album should read "Upside Down U, Upside Down U, Upside Down U, Stroke, Stroke, Stroke, Stroke."
Store Clerk: [Long pause, which goes on so long I'm afraid I will start laughing.] Fuck. You. [Hangs up.]

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 3

Store Clerk: [Name of record store] on [name of street].
Disco:Very: Good morning, I hope International Record Store Day was able to keep your store afloat for a few more years.
Store Clerk: [Taken aback.] Uh, yeah, well, we had a good day.
Disco:Very: Good to hear, good to hear. I just learned about a specific item which was made for sale on American Record Store Day and I wanted to see if you got any in.
Store Clerk: [Pause.] OK.
Disco:Very: Well you know what The Buddha Machine is, that little iPod-looking thing which plays calming New Age sounds on a perpetual loop?
Store Clerk: Sure, yeah. We have some of those in stock.
Disco:Very: Well, I just heard that there was a special one made in celebration of National Record Store Day which only plays loops of the band Train specifically, that one hit "Hey, Soul Sister", and it's not a loop of the whole song, it's a loop of the part where he sings "Hey, hee-e-e-ey..."
Store Clerk: [Realzing this is a prank, annoyed] Yes, yes, I know the song
Disco:Very: --but it's not the "Hey" at the beginning or on the final chorus, it's specifically the "Hey" sung at the 1:11 mark. Renowned music experts have determined that "Hey" to be quite different from all the rest. So it's just a loop of that one "Hey".
Store Clerk: [Long pause.]
Disco:Very: Also, this Buddha Machine is wrinkled and old, with dyed black hair so it matches the lead singer of Train. So do you have any of these in?
Store Clerk: [Pause; hangs up.]

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 2

Store Clerk: Happy Record Store Day, this is [Name of record store] at [name of store clerk].
Disco:Very: Hi, yes. Happy Record Store Day to you, too, and what a glorious Record Store Day it is!
Store Clerk: Ha ha, yeah it is! We've got a lot of people here celebrating here at the moment, actually. [Laughs.]
Disco:Very: Wow, that's just great. I'm calling about a specific album I'd like to come in and purchase.
Store Clerk: Sorry, can you hold for just one second? [Muffled talking--store noises in background paint the portrait of a very busy store.] Sorry about that, thanks for holding.
Disco:Very: No problem. I'm calling to see if you have a specific limited-edition LP being released for Record Store Day.
Store Clerk: Sure, what's the title?
Disco:Very: [Speaking quickly so as not to lose the call.] It's a new CocoRosie album of duets but it's a recording of dance and movement, CocoRosie is doing dance duets with other dancers and movement artists so there's no actual singing, but it's a very quiet record, very spatial, you know, comprised of the sounds of movement and wind and spirit--you know the spirit of the band, their soul. And I don't know the name but the album cover shows the members of CocoRosie on dolphins and the dolphins are flying through the sky and they're surrounded by hand-drawn depictions of birds, like, curved-bill thrashers specifically, and the birds are painted all these rainbow colors and the colors have sparkles in them and the cover is hand-pressed so the birds are in relief and each bird is holding a peace sign--
Store Clerk: [Taking it all in] Hmmmm, OK...
Disco:Very: --and they all have word balloons above them saying thinks like "Radical!" and "LOL" and the album isn't on CD, it's on vinyl and the vinyl is a special 900-gram pressing. It's very thick.
Store Clerk: [Long pause.] So...is it...what--how many grams?
Disco:Very: Well, you know how most limited-edition vinyl albums are pressed on 180-gram vinyl, this one is extra special and is pressed on 900-gram vinyl, so it has five times the amount of vinyl as a regulalr limited-edition vinyl release. It weighs almost two pounds, so the album is pretty large and kind of heavy. I'm not sure it will even fit in your vinyl racks.
Store Clerk: [Pause; lots of Record Store Day noises in the background--perhaps he realizes this is a crank call and tries to remove himself from the call] Tell you what, we're a little busy so maybe if you called back in 20 minutes I could probably dig it up but--
Disco:Very: See, but I have to have it today because I think this is the one album which is going to save the brick and mortar record stores forever. Record store sales have been pummeled by the ease and convenience of online shopping and it's making you go under but I think this one album is going to bring actual physical record stores back from the brink of death. Just because I can find any album I want online at the click of a button, I don't think it means we need to kill off the dinosaur record stores. I think this new CocoRosie album is going to turn things around for you guys. I really do.
Store Clerk: OK, I'm going to hang up now. [Hangs up.]

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 1

Store Clerk: [Name of record store], this is [name of store clerk].
Disco:Very: Hi, I understand that tomorrow is Record Store Day.
Store Clerk: Yup.
Disco:Very: Well, I'm calling to find out more info on a particular release.
Store Clerk: OK.
Disco:Very: It's a limited-edition vinyl LP by Animal Collective, and I just read about it online and I'm hoping to see if you'll be getting a copy of it in for Record Store Day.
Store Clerk: OK, what's the name of the record?
Disco:Very: Well, the problem is, I don't know the name. From what I read online, Animal Collective really wanted to recreate the feeling of an Animal Collective performance as best they could, so they are releasing this limited-edition vinyl album and the record itself will be made to look similar to an Animal Collective performance. So the vinyl will be completely covered in glitter and day-glo body paint and feathers and spandex--
Store Clerk: [Laughing] Wait, what??
Disco:Very: --and my question is, I want to buy this album really bad because I am so all about Animal Collective, but how would I able to play this album if it's covered in glitter and day-glo body paint and spandex?
Store Clerk: [Long pause.]
Disco:Very: Also, the album will trumpet its stylistic excess as a sign of creativity, and make that the purpose of the music, rather than the other way around.
Store Clerk: [Says nothing.]
Disco:Very: Are you still there?
Store Clerk: [No answer.]
Disco:Very: Hello?
Store Clerk: [Hangs up.]

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 7]

Stereo Total - Holiday Innn 2 x 7" (Two 7" singles on Bungalow Records, 1998)

Six aggressively loopy remixes of the Stereo Total pop/punk song Holiday Innn, which music scholars worldwide consider their abiding masterpiece. Spanning a two-fer clear-vinyl pack housed in a see-through plastic sleeve, every track takes the German/French duo's original and smears it in ecstasy and/or ecstacy--whichever is easiest to find first. It's incredibly rare, despite what the sellers on Discogs will tell you.

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 6]

The Texas Instruments - Good Times in Rhythm (7" single on Matako Mazuri Records, 1986)

Sloppy/poppy electrified punk/folk (complete with Bob Dylan vocal inflections) made during that brief moment in history when Austin, Texas was the coolest place on the planet. What's that, you say? It still is? Oh, ok then. Carry on.

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 5]

Side A: Hilo's Kalima Brothers - He Wahine U'i E [My Beautiful Lady]
Side B: George Naope - Green Rose Hula
(7" single on 49th State Records, [year of release unknown--perhaps late 50's])

To my half-deaf ears, the A side is your usual fluffy-wuffy Hawaiian exotica so endemic to this era's genre, but the B side is quite wonderful. Possessing a minimalist folk sound reminiscent of a field recording, each line is framed by a call-and-response motif which us mainlanders might call Island Gospel but could, in fact, indicate the singer had difficulty memorizing the lyrics.

With Only 40 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 4]

Cee Bee Beaumont - The Incendiary Sounds of Cee Bee Beaumont (7" EP on Big City Records, [year of release unknown])

A nasty-loud four-song EP of wooly garage/surf lacking enough varnish to make Billy Childish sound like Steely Dan. So obscure, even Discogs doesn't list it (yet). Grab this saucy slice of rawness if you want to make your life just a tiny tad more livable.

Disco:Very 2010 2-CD Comp Now Available for Free (Or Best Offer)

It took far longer than it should have to complete, but Disco:Very 2010, our annual year-end free-of-charge best-of compilation, is finally done. This 2-disc extravaganza is chock full of booty-wailing, fist-shaking, foot-bleeding goodness (now with 28% fewer foreign languages)! You can download disc one here and disc two here, and the track listings are here. Or if you prefer a physical copy with all the graphic trimmings, send your mailing address to the e-mail at the end of the column on the right. While we might not respect you, we do respect your privacy and the name/address you send will never be sent to anyone else. Supplies are limited (meaning: I ran out of empty CD cases) so send your request in today!