Disco:Very Celebrates 2012 Record Store Day, Black Friday Edition [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 1

Unnamed Local Record Store Chain:  [Name/Location of store], this is [name].

Disco:Very:  Happy Record Store Day, the Black Friday Edition.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Laughs] OK..yup.
Disco:Very:  I’m not sure if you’re into Coheed and Cambria.  They’re an epic metal prog band who totally rock my world with their epic songs, and their latest album, The Afterman: Ascension, is going to be part of an ongoing story line told in musical form about The Amory Wars.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Already losing interest--long pause.] OK.

Disco:Very: The Amory Wars is set in Heaven's Fence, a collection of 78 planets held in place by interconnecting beams of energy, known as the Keywork. The first half of the story narrates Coheed Kilgannon and Cambria Kilgannon's struggle against Wilhelm Ryan, the Supreme Tri-Mage (which is later referred to as the Archmage) and the second half of the story focuses on the heroic journey of their son, messianic Claudio Kilgannon. Over the course of the story, Claudio assumes the mantle of The Crowing, the epic foretold savior of Heaven's Fence. In the end, he will face the Archmage, absolute ruler of Heaven's Fence and the one ultimately responsible for the death of Claudio's family.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Laughs] OK, so did you have a question about that?

Disco:Very:  Dude, it’s an epic tale of good vs. evil and these albums only chronicle the opening chapters.  It’s going to be so epic!
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: Did you want me to look an album up for you or...I mean...[Laughs nervously]...what exactly are you calling about?

Disco:Very: Well, the deluxe version of the album was released with a coffee-table book co-written by Claudio Sanchez and the epic writer Peter David, and it was intended to give a song-by-song experience of the epic concept album. The album follows The Amory Wars storyline, and concentrates on the character Sirius Amory.   But I heard there is going to be a special Deluxe Edition which contains a new version of the coffee-table book which has three new additional pages added.  So I was hoping you could let me know what’s on these three additional pages.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: Well, I can't really do that over the phone.  Why don't you come in and we'll check it out that way, OK?

Disco:Very: [Trying to keep him on the phone as long as possible.]  Plus this new edition will contain glossy illustrations of each character depicted in the story, plus a sticker showing a battle scene from The Amory Wars, and a slim booklet explaining how to listen to and understand the concepts of the album, a removable tattoo depicting the heroic battle of Coheed Kilgannon and Cambria Kilgannon as they struggle against Wilhelm Ryan, and a pen and pencil set with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a coffee mug with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a pair of chopsticks with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a box of dark chocolate made of 86% Cacao with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a stack of Post-It Notes with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a pair of bedroom slippers with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a framed portrait of the Coheed and Cambria logo, a Power Balance hologram bracelet which uses holographic technology to resonate with and respond to the natural energy field of the body and increase sporting ability with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a jar of mayonnaise with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a VooDoo doll with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a thumb tack with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a beach towel with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it--
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Interrupts.] I don't have time for this shit [Hangs up].
Disco:Very: Hello?  Are you still there?  Hello?

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 7

Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Name of store], this is [name].
Disco:Very: I'm calling to find out your store return policy, specifically a vinyl album I just purchased at your Record Store Day sale.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: Was there something wrong with it?
Disco:Very: So many things wrong with it! I don't even know where to begin! First off, it was a special limited-edition vinyl copy of Nicki Minaj's masterpiece Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded and as we all know, Roman is an avatar of Miss Minaj, but because Nicki and Roman share so many aesthetic and representational similarities, the alter ego of Roman is barely perceptible!
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Sounding confused.] Um, OK, so you're just unsatisfied with the music? And the record itself isn't broken or whatever?
Disco:Very: That's not the worst of it, my friend. The album was pressed on pink vinyl but but instead of, say, Pantone 18-2133, it's more like salmon or a dark apricot color when, clearly, it was supposed to be the color of Nicki's labia minora.
Unnamed Local Record Store: Her what?
Disco:Very: Her labia minora.
Unnamed Local Record Store: [Pause.] I don't know...uh...
Disco:Very: It's a type of flower.
Unnamed Local Record Store: So it's a type of flower on the cover?
Disco:Very: No, no. It's a type of flower which women enjoy carrying around. Lots of women have them, though not all of them.
Unnamed Local Record Store: [Completely lost in thought.] Uh...
Disco:Very: You can just ask any woman in the store the color of her labia minora. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Unnamed Local Record Store: Well, we're pretty busy here and...
Disco:Very: You can just call it out on the microphone, on the PA system in the store. You should just say into the microphone "Will the female customers and employees please bring your labia minora to the cash register please?".
Unnamed Local Record Store: Hang on. [Muffled sounds--appears to be asking a female employee how to handle this call. Female employee seems to know what a labia minora is, hangs up the phone without speaking to me.]

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 6

Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Name of store].
Disco:Very: [Big breath, pause.] There is a remarkable moment when one listens to an album by Florence & the Machine when one realizes they are on a journey of the soul, and all of our hopes, dreams and desires are being laid out before us, naked yet shrouded, vulnerable yet wrought with bravery, and it is during these occasions when we find ourselves floating into the ether of togetherness, for we are at one with Florence & the Machine, and the artistic vision therein, and we are alone, straddling the blurry uncharted land where the sun meets the stars, exemplified by the sounds one hears in between each of their songs; for these quiet fleeting emotions have been captured on a limited-edition 10-inch Record Store Day release, made up entirely of the sounds one hears when Florence & the Machine is not performing, and I am hoping, yearning, praying that your store will have this silent recording, comprised entirely of the space between the songs. Yae, verrily: a record of nothing. Do you have this record, kind madam?
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [No response.]
Disco:Very: I can hear you breathing.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [No response.]
Disco:Very: And it is like the opening of a swan's wing, the awning of--.
Unnamed Local Record Store: [Hangs up.]

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 5

Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: This is [name of store] on [street name].
Disco:Very: And a good morning to you, sir!  I'm very excited about Record Store Day tomorrow and I have a few questions I'm hoping you can answer.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: Sure, go ahead.
Disco:Very: I'm told there will be a special limited-edition 5-inch vinyl release of Sun Ra performing the hits of Yo La Tengo available for purchase.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Pauses.] Well...no, uh, are you sure it's not the other way around?  I would think more that Yo La Tengo would be covering the songs of Sun Ra.  That would make more sense.
Disco:Very: No, no, I'm pretty sure it's Sun Ra covering Yo La Tengo.  They were a big influence on him.  He was a huge fan of their indie rock sound.
Unnamed Local Record Store: Well...plus Sun Ra has been dead for a few years so...
Disco:Very: I'm not sure of the particulars.  I only know that it's been pressed on colored vinyl and the vinyl colors mirror that of J.Crew color descriptions: cinnamon, rosemary...things like that.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Pauses, obviously not interested in dealing with a record-collector train wreck.] Um, OK.  I can check our listings.
Disco:Very: The most important thing to know is that this is very limited.  There will only be two pressings.
Unnamed Local Record Store: So, two runs of, like, 1000 each or...?
Disco:Very: No, just two records total.  And the vinyl pressing plant which made them has been destroyed--completely burned to the ground--to ensure that these two copies can never be duplicated ever again.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Silence. Dawns on him this is a prank.]
Disco:Very:  [Speaking quickly, so as not to lose the call.] Also, all the employees at the pressing plant were blinded immediately after the two records rolled off the conveyer belt, thus certifying that they would never again be able to take part in the production of 2 records so lovely and singular.  It's as if God Himself crafted these records out of his golden tablets.
 Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Laughs.] You're a fucking asshole. [Hangs up.]

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 4

Store Clerk: [Name of record store].
Disco:Very: Hi, I'm calling to see about a title you might have in stock.
Store Clerk: OK, who's the artist?
Disco:Very: The band is Chicago, and it's a special Record Store Day reissue of one of their albums, but I don't know the title.
Store Clerk: That's OK, give me a sec and I can look that up.
Disco:Very: I wasn't able to come in on Record Store Day so now I'm worried you might not have any left. It's a limited-edition reissue.
Store Clerk: Well, I'm looking through our list of Record Store Day releases and I don't see anything by Chicago on here...
Disco:Very: I'm sure I'd remember the title if you just ran through a few of them you have listed in your database.
Store Clerk: [Pause, realizing this is going to be a laborious phone call] Well, they have a lot of titles here...I'm looking at them and they're all numbers, or mostly, you know, Roman Numerals.
Disco:Very: Could you maybe just run a couple past me? I'm sure the one I'm thinking of will ring a bell.
Store Clerk: [Long pause.] Well, I mean, there's "Roman Numeral Three"--these are all in Roman Numerals--there's "Roman Numeral Seven"...I think there was probably a "Four", "Five" and "Six" but I'm just reading you what we have in stock.
Disco:Very: Those don't ring a bell. Could you read the rest?
Store Clerk: [Pause, annoyed sigh.] Uh, "Roman Numeral Seven"--
Disco:Very: No...
Store Clerk: "Roman Numeral Eight"--
Disco:Very: No...
Store Clerk: "Roman Numeral Nine"--
Disco:Very: No...
Store Clerk: "Roman Numeral Ten"--
Disco:Very: Wait, which one did you say??
Store Clerk: "Roman Numeral Ten".
Disco:Very: [Long pause.] Hmmmm...no...
Store Clerk: [Annoyed grunt.] They're all pretty much Roman Numerals, and there's like 30 of them or...it goes up all the way to 32 or 34 so it doesn't make much sense for me to keep reading them. Just...you know, do you remember the number or not?
Disco:Very: Did you say "Roman Numeral 34"?
Store Clerk: Yes, that's the last one in succession. It might not be the latest reissue but--
Disco:Very: Yeah, yes. That's the one. That's the one which got a special reissue, I'm almost certain.
Store Clerk: [Becoming increasingly annoyed.] Well, I'm not seeing a special reissue of this, I don't see a reissue on my regular database and it's not in the Record Store Day releases either.
Disco:Very: Oh, well, I forgot to mention that it's going to be under a completely different title. For this special edition reissued on Record Store Day, instead of using Roman Numerals, they've used Egyptian Numerals so the name of the album should read "Upside Down U, Upside Down U, Upside Down U, Stroke, Stroke, Stroke, Stroke."
Store Clerk: [Long pause, which goes on so long I'm afraid I will start laughing.] Fuck. You. [Hangs up.]

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 3

Store Clerk: [Name of record store] on [name of street].
Disco:Very: Good morning, I hope International Record Store Day was able to keep your store afloat for a few more years.
Store Clerk: [Taken aback.] Uh, yeah, well, we had a good day.
Disco:Very: Good to hear, good to hear. I just learned about a specific item which was made for sale on American Record Store Day and I wanted to see if you got any in.
Store Clerk: [Pause.] OK.
Disco:Very: Well you know what The Buddha Machine is, that little iPod-looking thing which plays calming New Age sounds on a perpetual loop?
Store Clerk: Sure, yeah. We have some of those in stock.
Disco:Very: Well, I just heard that there was a special one made in celebration of National Record Store Day which only plays loops of the band Train specifically, that one hit "Hey, Soul Sister", and it's not a loop of the whole song, it's a loop of the part where he sings "Hey, hee-e-e-ey..."
Store Clerk: [Realzing this is a prank, annoyed] Yes, yes, I know the song
Disco:Very: --but it's not the "Hey" at the beginning or on the final chorus, it's specifically the "Hey" sung at the 1:11 mark. Renowned music experts have determined that "Hey" to be quite different from all the rest. So it's just a loop of that one "Hey".
Store Clerk: [Long pause.]
Disco:Very: Also, this Buddha Machine is wrinkled and old, with dyed black hair so it matches the lead singer of Train. So do you have any of these in?
Store Clerk: [Pause; hangs up.]

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 2

Store Clerk: Happy Record Store Day, this is [Name of record store] at [name of store clerk].
Disco:Very: Hi, yes. Happy Record Store Day to you, too, and what a glorious Record Store Day it is!
Store Clerk: Ha ha, yeah it is! We've got a lot of people here celebrating here at the moment, actually. [Laughs.]
Disco:Very: Wow, that's just great. I'm calling about a specific album I'd like to come in and purchase.
Store Clerk: Sorry, can you hold for just one second? [Muffled talking--store noises in background paint the portrait of a very busy store.] Sorry about that, thanks for holding.
Disco:Very: No problem. I'm calling to see if you have a specific limited-edition LP being released for Record Store Day.
Store Clerk: Sure, what's the title?
Disco:Very: [Speaking quickly so as not to lose the call.] It's a new CocoRosie album of duets but it's a recording of dance and movement, CocoRosie is doing dance duets with other dancers and movement artists so there's no actual singing, but it's a very quiet record, very spatial, you know, comprised of the sounds of movement and wind and spirit--you know the spirit of the band, their soul. And I don't know the name but the album cover shows the members of CocoRosie on dolphins and the dolphins are flying through the sky and they're surrounded by hand-drawn depictions of birds, like, curved-bill thrashers specifically, and the birds are painted all these rainbow colors and the colors have sparkles in them and the cover is hand-pressed so the birds are in relief and each bird is holding a peace sign--
Store Clerk: [Taking it all in] Hmmmm, OK...
Disco:Very: --and they all have word balloons above them saying thinks like "Radical!" and "LOL" and the album isn't on CD, it's on vinyl and the vinyl is a special 900-gram pressing. It's very thick.
Store Clerk: [Long pause.] So...is it...what--how many grams?
Disco:Very: Well, you know how most limited-edition vinyl albums are pressed on 180-gram vinyl, this one is extra special and is pressed on 900-gram vinyl, so it has five times the amount of vinyl as a regulalr limited-edition vinyl release. It weighs almost two pounds, so the album is pretty large and kind of heavy. I'm not sure it will even fit in your vinyl racks.
Store Clerk: [Pause; lots of Record Store Day noises in the background--perhaps he realizes this is a crank call and tries to remove himself from the call] Tell you what, we're a little busy so maybe if you called back in 20 minutes I could probably dig it up but--
Disco:Very: See, but I have to have it today because I think this is the one album which is going to save the brick and mortar record stores forever. Record store sales have been pummeled by the ease and convenience of online shopping and it's making you go under but I think this one album is going to bring actual physical record stores back from the brink of death. Just because I can find any album I want online at the click of a button, I don't think it means we need to kill off the dinosaur record stores. I think this new CocoRosie album is going to turn things around for you guys. I really do.
Store Clerk: OK, I'm going to hang up now. [Hangs up.]

Disco:Very Celebrates Record Store Day [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 1

Store Clerk: [Name of record store], this is [name of store clerk].
Disco:Very: Hi, I understand that tomorrow is Record Store Day.
Store Clerk: Yup.
Disco:Very: Well, I'm calling to find out more info on a particular release.
Store Clerk: OK.
Disco:Very: It's a limited-edition vinyl LP by Animal Collective, and I just read about it online and I'm hoping to see if you'll be getting a copy of it in for Record Store Day.
Store Clerk: OK, what's the name of the record?
Disco:Very: Well, the problem is, I don't know the name. From what I read online, Animal Collective really wanted to recreate the feeling of an Animal Collective performance as best they could, so they are releasing this limited-edition vinyl album and the record itself will be made to look similar to an Animal Collective performance. So the vinyl will be completely covered in glitter and day-glo body paint and feathers and spandex--
Store Clerk: [Laughing] Wait, what??
Disco:Very: --and my question is, I want to buy this album really bad because I am so all about Animal Collective, but how would I able to play this album if it's covered in glitter and day-glo body paint and spandex?
Store Clerk: [Long pause.]
Disco:Very: Also, the album will trumpet its stylistic excess as a sign of creativity, and make that the purpose of the music, rather than the other way around.
Store Clerk: [Says nothing.]
Disco:Very: Are you still there?
Store Clerk: [No answer.]
Disco:Very: Hello?
Store Clerk: [Hangs up.]