Steve Albini Attacks The Flaming Lips for Turning Audience Into 'Slave Labor'

Chicago Dispatch Daily
Chicago, IL - September 17, 2012

Now that former Rapeman Producer/Songwriter Steve Albini has assailed former Dresden Dolls band member Amanda Palmer for what he alleges is exploiting her fan base after asking them to perform as her backing musicians without financial compensation, he how has his sights set on a new foe.

Oklahoma psych-popsters The Flaming Lips, and their now-traditional concert practice of outfitting audience members into animal costumes and making them frolic onstage behind the band.

"An artist should always strive to be financially and artistically autonomous", says the 50-year-old Musician/Producer. "But when you're asking your audience to make up more than half of the entertainment you're providing, it amounts to slave labor."

"If a homeless man can figure out how to live self-sufficiently on these mean city streets, then so can The Flaming Lips. A better business model, it seems to me, would be to simply add 50 members to your band and pay them to dance onstage dressed as a bunny each night. It's only right and natural."

But that's not all: Mr. Albini is preparing to battle with another injustice he sees in today's corporate rock industry: asking the audience to clap along with your music.

"I happen to catch a set by The Dum Dum Girls", Albini continues, "And there was one point of the show where the band began clapping to the beat during an instrumental passage. The audience began to mimic this clapping and essentially take it over from the band. Why not reward each audience member with a $20 bill for asking them to carry the rhythm section on their back? They're fans, which means they're going to do almost anything you ask them to, but this doesn't give you an excuse to abuse your privileges as an artist."

As for future plans, Albini has announced he will be bringing his fight into other areas of the entertainment industry, including magicians who ask for volunteers to be sawed in half, and comedians who expect the audience to answer such questions as "Who here is married?" while waiving any monetary benefits.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 10]

The Texas Instruments - The Texas Instruments LP (Rabid Cat Records, 1987)

It's almost quaint to listen to the debut self-titled album by Austin's The Texas Instruments and remember how, for some of us, this hybrid of souped-up post-hardcore and politicized country punk was going to somehow eradicate all the backwards governing during the years of The Gipper.  Now we have Michelle Bachman as a front runner for the 2012 election and the loonies are strategizing to run the asylum.  Oh well.  At least now I can upload this LP to my iPod and pretend it's making Zombie Reagan spin in his grave.

That's Why Darkness Was Born

Thank goodness the dour art-damaged early-80's are over, allowing us the emotional distance to observe bands like Danny & the Parkins Sisters from a safe distance. The Mein Leben ist Scheiße Welt mindset on such tracks as This World is Bleak, War (Is On Your Doorstep) and On My Block (with its deliciously overwrought delivery of such couplets as Black boots/Bag o' loot/No one's gonna/Tell you the truth!) is enough to make you mainline Percocet. My own vinyl copy of this 8-track post-punk (but seemingly pre-rehearsal) masterpiece can now be sold to the highest bidder thanks to Chapter Music reissuing it on CD (yes, this occurred a year ago but don't mock me for only discovering this now--I've been very busy), even seeing fit to pad it with 10 extra tracks of live recordings and demos (such as We Are Indians, which has all the political correctness of a Sondra Lee dance routine). Buy this CD and relive the heady days when underground music was gleefully giving Reagan the finger with every note they played.

Back to the Queer Future

High-fives to Jukebox Mafia for finding this uproarious slab of topical twang which was far ahead of its time, at least as far as trends like bigotry tend to go. I'm not sure which is more amusing: the song title itself terming the worldwide homo population in the singular, thus redefining God's hatred in a more philosophical bent, or the curious band name (why add the word Weather to EndTimes?). Either way, it's an oddly appropriate ditty now that activist judges in California are commanding the Real America to abort babies on command before forcing school children into shotgun weddings with their gay neighbors.

A-R-I-Z-O-N-A Is My State, Arizona Let Me Say I Think You're Great!

Now that Arizona has successfully banned Hispanics from rudely assuming they, too, can breathe the White Man's oxygen, I--a proud native Arizonan--now feel safer to enjoy patronizing our abundance of Mexican food restaurants without having to actually be around all those Mexicans. And on that same topic, a stern word of caution to underground lofi-funksters Javelin should they ignore the worldwide band boycott and choose to perform in The Grand Canyon State: I recommend only playing songs from your David Byrne-approved new album instead of certain tracks off your underground demos (since they contain what is almost certainly traces of what we Gringos call Spanish). As for the rest of you, stop stating our State government is at least as dumb as Georgia's. When it comes to The Championship of Passing Senseless Bills, everyone knows Arizona has them beat at this particular parlor game.

My First Five Reactions to Seeing the Statue of Ronald Reagan Dedicated Earlier Today at the U.S. Capitol

1. Amazing! They were able to perfectly capture an action-figure likeness of his complete indifference to the AIDS crisis.

2. In order to more closely resemble how he looked during his tenure as President, shouldn’t the statue show him lying down taking a nap?

3. I’m so delighted to see that somebody finally found a use for all that money he made from the Iran-Contra arms deal.

4. I’m a little confused: is this a bronze statue or is he still in that prolonged coma?

5. If only they’d made this statue during his Presidency, it could have provided John Hinckley some good shooting practice.

Christianity Declares Major Victory Over Hedonistic Homosexual Lifestyle Choice in Decisive Fight Over the Soul of America’s Youth

May 20, 11:44 PM EDT

By LYNN ELBER
AP Television Writer

LOS ANGELES (AP) – Religious activists across America were celebrating in the streets as clean-cut Christian vocalist Kris Allen took the most votes to become the 2009 American Idol, signaling what is seen by many leading experts as the final nail in the coffin for homosexuality.

Openly gay runner-up Adam Lambert fell far short of the votes needed to win this year’s competition, thus prohibiting him from overthrowing the Holy Kingdom of God, and his defeat has sent reverberations throughout the Christian community.

“It is such a relief that our faith has scored this huge victory,” said 15-year-old Ron Byrd of the Coalition Of Christian Kids (COCK). “Some might see American Idol as a fluffy, pointless singing competition but, in actuality, it’s a final battle of good vs. evil created by Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior to decide, once and for all, the final outcome over the souls of America’s youth. Tonight’s final tally makes Christian faith the true victor for all eternity.”

Almost immediately, homosexual social centers such as urban gay bars, lesbian knitting clubs and Banana Republic clothing boutiques began their shameful dismantling, conceding defeat to the onslaught of Christian votes which decided their fate forevermore.

“Although we do not agree with tonight’s decision, we accept it with humility and grace,” said the President and CEO of Gay America, Sandra Weibel in a written statement. “The Christian Right certainly showed us who is in charge. They have won in what is certainly the single most important face-off our two opposing lifestyles have ever faced, and now that they have outnumbered us for good, we will quietly close shop and never be heard from again.”

Many notable Christian activists such as Ted Haggard had spent the last 48 hours encouraging their followers to vote for Kris Allen over Adam Lambert in an effort to finally show the unrelenting Homosexual Cabal across America that Christianity would not shy away from this momentous crusade of Biblical proportions, as epitomized in a ratings-laden pop culture singing game show.

“Now that the death of Homosexuality has been fulfilled, the Coalition Of Christian Kids can move on to other important issues,” Byrd said. “COCK is very important in my life and has shown me the way to true happiness. COCK has been good to me and I want to devote more time to it, because I love COCK.”

The Audience Members in the 2nd 2008 Presidential Debate and the Questions They Wish They Could Have Asked

Gogol Bordello Guy: "What are your policies on the hardships faced by traveling gypsy musicians? And what will you do to reduce the price of black and white striped leggings which they frequently wear?"

Woman Who Irons Her Hair: "Senators, I am a big fan of Phoebe Snow and yet she hasn't had a hit record in over 30 years. What are your thoughts on any potential future hits by Phoebe Snow? [Pause] For god's sake, will someone tell me if Phoebe Snow is ever going to have another hit album???"

Redneck Boy Barely Old Enough to Vote: "Senator Obama, everyone says I look like Larry Collins of the Collins Kids, yet I still have not had a date in the last two years. If you are elected President, what will you do to help me get a date?"

Classic Rocker Having Mid-Life Crisis: "Is it a bad thing that I play air guitar when listening to Los Lonely Boys...in my underwear?"

Emo Boy and His Goth Girlfriend Sitting on His Left: "This is a two part question: Where do you stand on Further Seems Forever vs. Dashboard Confessional? And my girlfriend would like to know what you plan on doing to stem the tide of zombies taking over the earth?"

Pained Moderator: Will someone please kill me?

The Disappointment Only a Father Could Feel For His Worthless Wayward Children

I raised all of you better than this. Here is all the wrongness which you allowed to happen during my recent sabbatical:

1. You encouraged Leslie Hall to channel her inner Roches (but at least she possesses a much better fashion sense).

2. You catipulted Santogold into the charts simply for emulating M.I.A. when, in reality, she is also guilty of copying Gwen Stefani, The Breeders and Gwen Stefani.

3. You sanctioned Alec Empire as he morphed into Gary Numan without the sense of humor.

4. You replaced Stereolab with Monade and nobody has yet detected the switch.

5. You decided that since The Kinks and Green Day have not delivered any recent product, it would be fine for the Foxboro Hot Tubs to fill in during their absence.

6. I do feel pride, however, over how you continue to pick cartoon-like political figures to run for public office, giving me more practice to enhance and strengthen my burgeoning alcoholism: I drink a shot of tequila every time Sarah Palin has another baby.

A Social Contract With Ann Coulter

1. WHEREAS this agreement applies to the tenuous relationship between Ms. Ann Coulter and the American Public; and

2. WHEREAS this agreement in principle, signed in conformity with the provisions of Chapter 7 of the Agreement on Internal Bigotry (AIB), aims to reduce barriers to communication and is intended to allow both parties to have access to trading insults in all American jurisdictions; and

3. WHEREAS this is a provisional agreement which will be taken forward to each regulatory body for ratification and approval by March 7th, 2007; and

4. WHEREAS parties agree that the situational insults are defined and agreed upon by both parties; and

5. WHEREAS Ann Coulter is free to use the term "Faggot" however and whenever she sees fit, pertaining to politicians and anyone disagreeable with her political views, for the immediate benefit of increasing her book sales, speaking engagement fees and providing sought-after Right-Wing zealot street cred.

6. THEREFORE, the American Public is allowed to forever more return insults towards Ann Coulter, allowing Ms. Coulter to be labeled by the American Public, en masse, as follows:

a) Cunt

b) Stupid Cunt

c) Ugly Cunt

d) Horse-Face Cunt

e) Stupid Bitch Cunt

f) Fuck-Pig Cunt

g) He-Woman Cunt

h) Butt-Ugly Cunt-Face Cunt

i) Indeterminate-Gender Cunt

j) Fucking Dumb-Ass Cunt

k) Anal Cunt (with deepest apologies to the band Anal Cunt)

l) Androgynous Butch-Cunt

m) Transsexual Hatchet Job Cunt

n) Cuntzilla, Queen Of The Cunt People

o) Bitchy McCunt Cunt

p) Coulter-Cunt, The Ugliest Cunt of Cuntville

q) Count Cuntula

r) You Is One Ugly-Ass Man-Cunt

s) The Cunt Ann Coulter, An Adams-Apple Sporting, Freakishly Tall Overtly-Masculine, Never-Been-Linked-Romantically-With-A-Man Asexual Cunt Hole

t) Ms. Cunt

RESOLVED that under this paragraph, signatories are formally committed to implement the agreement.

Signed On This Day of March 7th, In The Year Of Our Lord, 2007

An Open Letter To Perpetrators Of School Violence

Will all of you psychotic gun-toting maniacs please stop killing innocent children in America's classrooms, if only for another week or so? Because everytime you unleash your weapons, it takes away from the Foley scandal in the mainstream news, and if there is one thing I love, it's watching Republicans writhe in agony like the fuck pigs they are. Besides, they'll be plenty of other completely horrifying news topics in the coming weeks to take our minds off sexual predators in U.S. government. As for today's take on music: bla bla bla Beyond Istanbul bla bla bla Underground Grooves of Turkey, bleh bleh bleh Depresyondayım and Reggae Turca Tone etc etc etc. Forgive my lack of enthusiasm but it's hard to stay interested in music when you're living in a deranged country where war mongers are hell bent on pushing us all towards Armageddon.

It Takes One To Know One

George W. Bush and I are a lot alike. For starters, we are both former dum-dum coke-inhaling frat boy alcoholics who only wrangled our way into Yale thanks to our father slipping some green towards the school. Second, we've both been wasting our time and energy: he on Iraq (anyone with half a brain could have told you North Korea is more dangerous than Saddam Hussein), me on latter day ELO (anyone with half a brain could have told you ELO 2 is more dangerous than Out Of The Blue.) I mean, jeez, just listen to Momma... and Born To Die. Don't they make you just...I don't know...want to clear that never-ending brush which seems to creep up on your Texas ranch every vacation time?

The Answer, My Friend, Is Blowing

George W. Bush is a complete and utter fuck-pig, a doddering nitwit who hasn't the sense to utter two words in proper succession let alone lead a nation into a trumped-up pointless war. The question on everyone's mind is: "How can we get rid of him?" My fellow Americans, as a sacrifice to this country, I volunteer to perform a wet slurpy blow job on President Bush while he's in the Oval Office in order that we can alert the press to his transgressions and begin proceedings to remove his tired ass from office. During the impeachment trial and the subsequent victory parties celebrating his departure from the White House, I will play Oh Mother, The Handsome Man Tortures Me, taken from Choubi Choubi! Folk & Pop Sounds From Iraq, newly released by the fine folks at Sublime Frequencies. In these trying times, we all have to swallow our pride (or what have you) and step up to the plate to oust the axis of evil where it resides. I draw the line, however, at blowing Rove. Ick! I mean, c'mon, even my patriotism has limits.

1,702 American Invitees Dead So Far

Ah, Memorial Day. Another pointless exercise in honoring those fighting in a trumped-up war we never should have started in the first place, unless, like White House spokesman Scott McClellan, you believe the US was invited (which also means victims of rape were asking for it). Is the purpose of this war to defend the freedoms of misguided, religion-baiting assholes like this? Because the amount of patriotism I feel today could fit in a thimble, I have decided to offer a track whose lyrics make inadvertent ironic commentary on the current state of the twisted American mind: Jesus Is The First Line Of Defence by The Pilgrim Travellers. You can find this track on Like An Atom Bomb: Apocalyptic Songs From The Cold War Era, released by Buzzola Records in 2004. Their other excellent collections include Reefer Madness (vintage drug songs), Sugar In My Bowl (sex songs circa 1923 - 1952), and You Done Me Wrong (old-time country cheating songs). You can find them all at Amazon.

Hell Is For Soon-To-Be-41-Year-Old Children

I die of a massive coronary, and in a dreadfully ironic twist, it turns out for this hardcore atheist there actually is a hell. While it's true the temperatures are extemely hot, I was born and raised in Phoenix, AZ so I'm pretty good at dealing with the heat. Of course, being Hades, there is not much to do except writhe in agony and suffer in all eternity for my sins (oh, so many sins) committed while alive here on Earth. The good news is that Satan has found it in his dirty black little heart to provide his minions with entertainment. The bad news is that there are only two choices: 1) non-stop, back-to-back 24-hour performances of Movin' Out, and 2) an endless loop of this music video (if I ever decide to direct a biopic of the band Journey, I'm casting this guy as Steve Perry). I hope those of you reading this will heed my words and turn your lives around now, while you still have the chance. I wouldn't wish this fate on even my worst enemies (well, perhaps just on Billy Joel).