Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Live Blogging the 8,236,146th Viewing of Party Rock Anthem Kia Soul Hamster Commercial

I'll watch this dreck so you don't have to.
0:01  This landscape looks not unlike the Occupy Wall Street protest going on outside my office window right now.
0:03  Damn space aliens and their aggressive take-over-the-Earth rampages!
0:06  The two warring factions don't look all that dissimilar. Question: are the creators of this commercial imparting a deeper meaning?
0:11  Answer: The Kia has arrived so apparently not.
0:15  I saw some sneakers similar to this at Ross Dress for Less once but they only had them in size 12 so I had to pass.
0:19  Think of how much different our lives would be now if Run DMC had dressed in pastels and Iridescent Taffeta.  And also if they had been hamsters.
0:21  You can say whatever you want but those fucking rodents can dance!
0:28  Those killer robots work hard, but they party hard, too.
0:31  Look at that rave bro in the upper left corner!  He's all, like, "Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!".
0:40  A Rastafarian hamster playing bongos at a dance-off in a war-torn landscape??  Now I've seen everything!.
0:47  I'm not sure what's worse: a future devoid of trees where aggressive intergalactic robots will wreak destruction upon our very souls, or a a future devoid of trees where aggressive intergalactic robots will wreak destruction upon our very souls where the only available car is a Kia.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Disco:Very Openly Invites Reader Hostility, Defends Most Hated Album on the Planet

The dirty diapers at Pitchfork went and gave Lulu, the debut collaboration between Elder Statesman Lou Reed and mosh mascots Metallica, their lowest available rating, and from the uproar one finds all over the music webisphere, Pitchfork is not alone in their disgust. Indie purists, please. Calm the fuck down. If there's one thing we've learned about Saint Lou over the years, it's that he's never going to stop merging his interest in highbrow literature with his passion for rock and roll. Stop insisting that he write another Sweet Jane and let the man fucking do his thing. If you can't slam your fists around the brutality which envelops the galloping Dragon or sink into the beauty of the lovely, lyrical 20-minute closer Junior Dad, then move along. Better yet, give it another spin, ignore Hetfield & Company and just pretend it's Robert Quine, Fernando Saunders and Doane Perry backing him instead.