Thursday, February 07, 2008

Supernatural (and Super Irritating)

The good news is that the Sahara's biggest musical success story Tinariwen continues making great strides in getting their hypnotic artistry heard around the world. The bad news is that guitar wanky moustached insect Carlos Santana is also part of this world and, as a result, has been caught playing alongside them, ruining their perfect music with his my-musicianship-is-so-intense-I'm-having-an-orgasm-of-the-face theatrics. If after viewing him thoroughly destroy the mesmerizing "Amassakoul" with his yawn-inducing string work, you aren't moved to throttle him breathless and bury him under your front porch, please stop reading this blog because you must enjoy listening to bad music and you are going to taint my good music taste with your leftover-70's-guitar-hero-worship taste.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Let's Classify the Regulars at My Gym and List the Musical Artists They Most Closely Resemble

Gym Regular: Woman In Her 50's Whose Fading Beauty Forces Her to Rely on Wearing T-Shirts Emblazoned with Slogans Drawing Attention to Her Enormous Breasts
Musical Artist She Resembles: Charo

Gym Regular: Bearded Jesus Freak Racquet Ball Player Who Seems To Have an Unending Supply of T-Shirts with Religious Slogans on Them and Who Would Probably Hump Jesus' Leg If He Had the Chance and Yet, If Jesus Really is Guiding His Life, Why Does This Man Continue to Lose at Racquet Ball Every Day?
Musical Artist He Resembles: Patrick Simmons of The Doobie Brothers

Gym Regular: Mentally Off-Center Man Who Kind of Smells and Talks to Himself, Lifts Enormous Amounts of Weight While Sweating Profusely (While Never Wiping Off the Equipment) Yet He Never Seems to Be in Any Better Shape than He Was When He First Began His Gym Membership Five Years Ago
Musical Artist He Resembles: Daniel Johnston when he forgets to take his medication

Gym Regular: Hairy Married Guy Who Goes Through Great Lengths to Hide His Privates While Entering the Showers Even Though, in Reality, There Isn't Anyone Besides His Long-Suffering Wife Who Would Bother to Eye Such a Teeny Tiny Insignificant Penis
Musical Artist He Resembles: Martin Mull

Gym Regular: Oddly Coifed County Worker Who So Obviously Used to Be an 80's Hair Metal Devotee Back in the Day But, Now That He's Been Thoroughly Emasculated Working 40 Hours a Week as a Common Office Manager, Makes Up for It By Enlarging His Arm Muscles To The Point Where They Resemble Baked Hams, All the While Sporting a Hairdo Befitting a 10th Century Viking
Musical Artist He Resembles: Dave Hlubek of Molly Hatchet

Gym Regular: Glam-Rock/Hip Hop Dancer Who is a Dance Major, Performing Energetic Dance Routines in the Mirror Inbetween Sets So We Can All See That He is a Dancer Because There Might Be the Slim Chance Someone Hasn't Figured Out Yet That He Is All About Dancing and As Soon as He Graduates From Dance School He Is So Out of Here Because He Is Moving to New York to Become a Professional Dancer
Musical Artist He Resembles: Peter Allen if he'd been raised listening to Take That instead of Judy Garland

Gym Regular: County Attorney With Cartoonishly Thin Comb-Over Who Chats on His Cell While On the Stairmaster but Whose Phone Conversations are Apparently So Compelling That He Frequently Just Omits Excercising Altogether and, Instead, Simply Stands Stationary on the Machine, Without Any Movement Whatsoever, and Later Tells His Workout Buddies in the Locker Room That He Can't Figure Out Why He Can't Lose the Weight and It Must Be His Wife's Cooking
Musical Artist He Resembles: Paul Simon with slightly more hair

Gym Regulars: Gargantuan Gangsta-Looking Fellow Who Brings His 8-year-old Daughter With Him to Every Workout (Perhaps as Some Sort of Court-Ordered Child Custody Settlement) During Which He Pays More Attention to His Own Massive Tattooed Biceps Than Her Emotional Development and Sense of Self Worth
Musical Artist He Resembles: Sen Dog of Cypress Hill
Musical Artist She Resembles: A more emotionally isolated Janis Ian

Gym Regular: Beyond-Skinny Toothpick-Thin Office Worker Who Appears to Be Trying to Lose Even More Weight Than is Humanly Possible and Who Rudely Refuses to Use Any of the Free Gym Towels Handed to Her By the Front Desk Staff If It Is Less Than Sparkling White
Musical Artist She Resembles: Helen Reddy

Gym Regular: Obscenely Skinny Native American Octogenarian with Really Weird Shoulder-Length (Dyed) Black Hair Who Dresses As If He Were a '50's Rocker and This Gym Thing is Just a Way to Get Himself in Shape in Time for his Comeback Tour Where He Will Really Kick Some Rock and Roll Ass (Except That He Can Only Get Around with a Walker Whose Wheels Keep Getting Caught on the Elliptical Trainer)
Musical Artist He Resembles: A physically-challenged Link Wray

Gym Regular: Hairless and Boney Smart-Ass Aging Hipster Trying to Keep Himself in Shape, Never Once Removing His iPod (Which He Plays at Ear-Deadening Volume) Playing Songs Which Might Eventually End Up Snidely Mocked on His Seldom-Read Blog Which He Believes Might Someday Be Noticed By Someone at a Respected National Magazine and They're Going to Say, "Hello, Disco:Very. We Love Your Blog. Will You Write For Us and Entertain Us With Your Tales of Suburban Angst?" But He'll Play Hard to Get and Toss Around Words Such as "Integrity" and "Artistic Dignity".
Musical Artist He Resembles: A not-at-all-overweight Jon Favreau (if he were to ever pursue a career in music)