Thursday, January 24, 2008

Expressway to Yr Social Security Retirement Check

The one upside to the Patriot Act is the little-known provision allowing Federal authorities to forcibly remove musical instruments from any past-it performer reaching the age of 70: happy birthday and say goodbye to your artfully detuned gee-tar, Thurston Moore.  It's time for the broken-hip hipsters to step down and let the real youth-who-would-be-sonic take their rightful place on the world stage.  All the way from Monterey, Mexico come the incredible noise-maven mavericks Los Llamarada who, for reasons unbeknownst to me, are allowing Nene Records to offer free tracks abundanza to download pronto.  I'm overjoyed with pee (the happy kind) to see Siltbreeze pushing out releases by Psychedelic Horseshit and Teenage Panzerkorps, but until they sign up our scuzz-pop neighbors South of the Border, I'm going to be tattooing the word revenge on my knuckles as punishment for their oversight.  Yes, you don't have to tell me: I only have 5 knuckles.  Abbreviating it to revng will still have the same impact, thank you very much.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Tragedy (and, Ultimately, Comedy)

I'm sure, by now, everyone reading this has heard the shocking news from which all of us are still recovering. A talented young actor showing so much promise, taken away from us much too soon in mysterious circumstances. Is he gone of his own design? Or was it an accident? I just need some closure! Can someone please tell me why Alltel saw fit to replace the chubby-dork-yellow-shirt Sprint guy with the chubby dork from The Shins in those new My Circle commercials? Unless the authorities commit to a thorough investigation into this tragic loss, we may never know the answer.*
* This joke would be a fuck of a lot funnier if I could find you a link to the new Alltel commercials in question. Damn internet, with its secret handshakes and all...

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything (Except Massage the Prostate of Jesus Christ) (Because, Hello? One of Them is a Giant Cucumber): A VeggieTales Movie

There is one thing you should know about Juno: I am that sassy too-wise-beyond-her-years pregnant teenager. Of course, when the producers approached me about fusing my life onto celluloid, they couldn't bear to end the movie the way I really lived it--with a glorious celebratory abortion (we had cake, party favors and a Squarebob Spongepants pinata to bash around). Fear of box office failure led the movie's producers to center the main premise around sloppy-seconds adoption, and this avoidance of the truth has made me bitter. From now on, I not only want to watch films which end with discarded fetuses, I want the classics of screenings past to be remade with loud-and-legal abortions figured prominently into the storyline: Citizen Kane, On the Waterfront, Bambi, My Dinner With Andre, March of the Penguins...

I mention all of this because my favorite Born Again/Dadaist rap group Soul Junk is offering up two unwanted mostly-instrumental embryos to download for free. Both mixes are freaky, fucked-up and funky and should your ears choose to midwife these beats, they will enrich your pointless life for years to come. If you aren't emotionally stable enough to trudge through their unending postings of Bible-spouting invective, save yourself the heart palpitations and download both tracks from your friendly neighborhood Disco:Very atheist here and here.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Please Die Already. Both of You.

The new Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman film The Bucket List has really inspired me to reflect on life and death and what I hope to accomplish before God decides He wants me to join Him at The Big Table. So in the spirit of this heartwarming film, I've decided to start a list of all the movies I hope never to watch before I kick the bucket:

1. The Bucket List

That's all I've come up with so far, but as long as dirty old man (but not in a good way) Nicholson and controversy-free negroid white man Freeman keep making movies, the list should continue to grow by leaps and bounds.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Monday, January 07, 2008

Taking Flight

Snicker at me if you must, but I'm shedding tears (above and below the waistline) over the Flying Nun: Heavenly Pop Hits documentary currently being offered in various segments all over You Tube. It's more than an historical perspective on one of indie music's most thrilling success stories, it's also a chance for non-New Zealanders (such as moi) to see rare footage and music clips for the first time. Why, the mere act of watching my pop heroes The Clean mug and bounce to some of their early hits is enough to make me give up oxygen for Lent.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

The Gift That Keeps On Giving...Joy (If You Like It) ...Headaches (If You Don't)

For those of you paying close attention, every year Disco:Very offers you a nifty one-of-a-kind (though mass-produced) year-end collection of music.  Just like last year, you can obtain it two different ways: 1) through a harsh, unemotional digital download, or, 2), you can pass along your mailing info to the e-mail address on the column at left (using a fake name is acceptable, perhaps even encouraged) whereupon you will be sent a sweet CD package in a week or less.  For those lacking cultural refinement, download it as two Zip files here (Disc One) and here (Disc Two).  Song titles/names can be viewed here.) And just like last year, I've provided a list of imperfections in picking an insensitive download over receiving a precious bundle of CDs in the mail [Click on image below to see it more clearly]:

The fine print: If you choose to receive the CD package through the mail, please be assured that once you have received this free gift, your (real or fake) name and e-mail/home address will be thrown away. I will not send you spam (unless receiving spam is the only way to validate our relationship). Delivery time of a CD package can be anywhere between 5 days and 2 weeks, depending on my ability to move my ass into high gear. This offer is good until I forget ever offering it.