Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything (Except Massage the Prostate of Jesus Christ) (Because, Hello? One of Them is a Giant Cucumber): A VeggieTales Movie

There is one thing you should know about Juno: I am that sassy too-wise-beyond-her-years pregnant teenager. Of course, when the producers approached me about fusing my life onto celluloid, they couldn't bear to end the movie the way I really lived it--with a glorious celebratory abortion (we had cake, party favors and a Squarebob Spongepants pinata to bash around). Fear of box office failure led the movie's producers to center the main premise around sloppy-seconds adoption, and this avoidance of the truth has made me bitter. From now on, I not only want to watch films which end with discarded fetuses, I want the classics of screenings past to be remade with loud-and-legal abortions figured prominently into the storyline: Citizen Kane, On the Waterfront, Bambi, My Dinner With Andre, March of the Penguins...

I mention all of this because my favorite Born Again/Dadaist rap group Soul Junk is offering up two unwanted mostly-instrumental embryos to download for free. Both mixes are freaky, fucked-up and funky and should your ears choose to midwife these beats, they will enrich your pointless life for years to come. If you aren't emotionally stable enough to trudge through their unending postings of Bible-spouting invective, save yourself the heart palpitations and download both tracks from your friendly neighborhood Disco:Very atheist here and here.

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