Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Japan loses the war because they did not know "The Secret"
AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH
Earth gains more self-confidence after J. Alexander provides free makeover
Crisis averted when passenger Faith Popcorn identifies terrorism as the new cultural zeitgeist
Four more narrative threads are interwoven into the story, all of them involving LonelyGirl15
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
The yellow VW bus is a penis symbol
Monday, March 26, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Chico Mann's lo-fi drum machine screams Shuggie Otis, but his saucy slinky rhythms spell F to the E to the L to the A (or, at the very least, harken back to his day job with Antibalas). Groove workout
Soul Freedom is like a late-night transmission from some mysterious African shortwave station, while Piensalo fronts a primitive bedroom-recording innocence not seen since Daniel Johnston tried to purge the devil from his own heart. The new album is titled Manifest Tone, Volume 1, and I'll be a broken man if there's not more volumes where that came from.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Acceptable TV? Can I help it if some Public Relations suckface named Jon Creech keeps sending me solicitations about these television clients he reps, just because I'm a raw and radical take-no-prisoners blogger and he's some 9-to-five suit-and-tie Corporate Corpuscle hawking his latest test-marketed edgy hipster laff fest? Does he think I'm some finger-on-the-pulse 16-year-old who will shit his diapers to be tossed an e-mail promo bone, blabbing about this show to all my friends on My Space, thankful to him for placing me so ahead of the pop culture curve? The joke's on him: he doesn't realize I'm a bitter, vile-spewing 42-year-old hater with thinning hair and an ulcer who is only using him as a means to net more free web goodies! Thank goodness this show (which begins airing March 23rd) is actually worth watching, otherwise I might say something about him I'd later regret.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
said band's website and the spastic joyride that is
Pom Pom Ass. Imagine, furthermore, that I pee freely while excitedly watching the accompanying music video. All of this adds up to one plodding, dumb-ass pogo dance through Lobotomyland. This song puts me in rolling-backward-eyeball, forehead-slapping heaven.
Monday, March 19, 2007
1. The woman at the trade show booth for Music Supervisor looked disturbingly like my Aunt Gracie. I kept expecting her to scold me for not waiting an hour after eating before I went swimming in her pool, followed by backhanded racial insults slyly directed towards my mother.
2. Pegging your pants to a diameter smaller than that of your ankles is The New Flared Corduroy Loose Fit Jeans (previously known as The New Black). Also, there were a shocking amount of attendees who resembled Harry Knowles in both girth and hair style. I weep for a generation. Especially if they all start reviewing movies on-line.
3. While I applaud the practice set forth by the Alamo Drafthouse Cinemas--that is, bringing food directly to your seat while you enjoy a movie--I would recommend that, while watching a midnight horror flick involving a man whose eyes are being pulled from its sockets by a Satan worshiper, it's best not to be eating Creme Brulee.
4. Although everyone else was in line to obtain the autograph of director John Sayles during a special festival appearance, I was in line to demand he pay back the six hours of my life he owes me for sitting through Casa De Los Babys, Lone Star and Sunshine State.
5. While everyone else at the Austin Airport was gawking as Peter Buck walked by, I was demanding he pay me back the $60 I paid for the past four REM albums. The punchline is: I downloaded them all for free.
6. The ultimate in nerd overload is to attend a sold-out screening of the new typeface documentary Helvetica, where you will find interactive dorks and graphic design junkies of all shapes and sizes. The punchline is: I was the eighth one in line.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
SXSW Film Festival. Yes, this means you won't hear from me for a while. And yes, I'll be coming home right as the music festivities start, which means I'll be missing a list of bands as long as your right arm. If you have a missing stump for a right arm, the list will be much shorter and will only feature Pete Townsend with a mohawk. You heard me: the man is often seen sporting a mohawk. I hope I die before he gets old.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
2. WHEREAS this agreement in principle, signed in conformity with the provisions of Chapter 7 of the Agreement on Internal Bigotry (AIB), aims to reduce barriers to communication and is intended to allow both parties to have access to trading insults in all American jurisdictions; and
3. WHEREAS this is a provisional agreement which will be taken forward to each regulatory body for ratification and approval by March 7th, 2007; and
4. WHEREAS parties agree that the situational insults are defined and agreed upon by both parties; and
5. WHEREAS Ann Coulter is free to use the term "Faggot" however and whenever she sees fit, pertaining to politicians and anyone disagreeable with her political views, for the immediate benefit of increasing her book sales, speaking engagement fees and providing sought-after Right-Wing zealot street cred.
6. THEREFORE, the American Public is allowed to forever more return insults towards Ann Coulter, allowing Ms. Coulter to be labeled by the American Public, en masse, as follows:
b) Stupid Cunt
c) Ugly Cunt
d) Horse-Face Cunt
e) Stupid Bitch Cunt
f) Fuck-Pig Cunt
g) He-Woman Cunt
h) Butt-Ugly Cunt-Face Cunt
i) Indeterminate-Gender Cunt
j) Fucking Dumb-Ass Cunt
k) Anal Cunt (with deepest apologies to the band Anal Cunt)
l) Androgynous Butch-Cunt
m) Transsexual Hatchet Job Cunt
n) Cuntzilla, Queen Of The Cunt People
o) Bitchy McCunt Cunt
p) Coulter-Cunt, The Ugliest Cunt of Cuntville
q) Count Cuntula
r) You Is One Ugly-Ass Man-Cunt
s) The Cunt Ann Coulter, An Adams-Apple Sporting, Freakishly Tall Overtly-Masculine, Never-Been-Linked-Romantically-With-A-Man Asexual Cunt Hole
t) Ms. Cunt
RESOLVED that under this paragraph, signatories are formally committed to implement the agreement.
Signed On This Day of March 7th, In The Year Of Our Lord, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
The Carbonas--which is well and good--but why didn't he set me up on a blind date with Les Breastfeeders instead? Yes, that name is perfection itself, but the music has impregnated me with the sperm of shout yelling on