Tuesday, April 03, 2007

A Short Reprise For Sufjan Stevens, Who Got Annoying, But For Very Good Reasons

Owing to a growing scarcity of twee/Americana costume themes, prominent musicologists have recently taken note of Sufjan Stevens mixing his metaphors (butterfly wings...with Boy Scout shirt???), a blatant desperate cry for help from a beloved performer who always seemed to possess an infinite grab-bag of folksy symbolism for each worldwide tour. In an effort to assist Mr. Stevens' in maintaining his place in pop history, Disco:Very herewith offers alternative suggestions for him to use as he sees fit:

Dress up as a cucumber fresh off the farm, accessorized with oversize Disney-style white gloves.

Outfit yourself in a cute Little Black Sambo outfit; refer to self as "wog".

Emulate the look and syntax of The Little Red Hen; complain that everyone in the band has refused to help write the songs; make off with entire take of ticket sales to teach musicians a lesson about the American roll-up-your-sleeves work ethic.

One half of the band is Confederate, the other half Union; Civil War battle reenactments take the place of between-song stage banter.

Wear giant tortilla costume with faint imprint of Jesus on it.

Outfit the entire band as Puritans; scold audience for immoral behavior, reenact the Salem Witch Hunt; lead entire audience to the gallows during encore.

Portray yourself as chitlins, drape entire body in pig intestines.

Sufjan is the White plantation owner, the entire band his slaves; lynchings occur upon audience request.

Dress up as praying mantis; wait for audience to come within striking distance, feast on prey.

Sufjan emulates President James Polk; dies after third song.

Concoct an entire suit made of snowy-white Marzipan; invite audience to eat it off you during the show.

Sufjan and the band dress as The Donner Party; eat one another by the end of the show (no encore).

Mimic the late Helen Keller, perform entire set deaf/mute.

Dress up as the Poky Little Puppy, prepare for role by consuming entire bottle of Valium before each show.

Dress up as the Indian Removal Act of 1830; negotiate land disputes with audience members residing west of the Mississippi River (if river not available in concert venue, substitute with nearest men's public urinal).

Impersonate the look/sound of P.T. Barnum; entire band dresses as circus freaks (bearded lady, man with no legs or arms, pinheads, conjoined twins, etc).

Band dresses up as sperm, Sufjan dresses up as egg; conception ensues during encore.


Glenn said...

i'm not gonna lie to you...a few of these are fucking brilliant

Disco:Very said...

Are you out of your mind? THEY'RE ALL FUCKING BRILLIANT!!! Well, I admit there are a few where I was trying too hard, but other than that, the rest of them are ALL FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!

Anonymous said...

hellen keller was blind and deaf, not mute. it was possible for her to talk (and in this case, sing). i suggest you change #13.