Thursday, November 13, 2008

Press Conference With Blogger-Elect Disco:Very

2:53 P.M. EST, FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2008

Blogger-Elect Disco:Very: This morning we woke up to more sobering news about the state of today's music. Of the 240,000 songs written throughout October 2008, all of them were utter crap. In total, nearly 1.2 million songwriters lacking the raw tools of talent are pestering more than 10 million Americans with utterly useless music. Tens of millions of families are struggling to figure out how they are going to "rock out" and/or "get their groove on" in the coming four years. Their stories are an urgent reminder that we are facing the greatest musical challenge of our lifetime, and we're going to have to act swiftly to resolve it.

Now, the United States has only one true music blogger, and until January 20th of next year, that blogger is me. I have spoken to President Bush. I appreciate his commitment to ensuring that the remaining days of his administration will continue to be a total fucking disaster. And I'm also thankful for his invitation to the White House (but I declined because I hate his guts). I'm going to confront this musical crisis head-on by taking all necessary steps to draw your attention to good bands and restore growth and prosperity to the independent music world.

This morning I met with members of my Transition Music Advisory Board, who are standing behind me, looking at my butt. To them I say: do these pants make my butt look big? They will help to guide the work of my transition team, working with Rahm Emanuel, (who, we can all agree, is very hot in an older lapsed-Jew kind of way), in developing a strong set of policies to respond to this bad music crisis.

First of all, we need a rescue plan for music lovers which invests in immediate efforts to create music which doesn't result in dry heaves, and provides relief to skinny indie guys who grow full beards at the tender age of 22 and wear Animal Collective t-shirts. They are watching their musical erections shrink with each passing Cat Power CD. The musical Viagra which will help them spring into action would be rock music of a more urgent nature.

Second, we have to address the spreading impact of the reprehensible Kira Willey and that fucking wispy song Colors. You know--the one used in that Dell commercial. America, I beseech you: it's a song taken from an entire album devoted to yoga. An entire album devoted to yoga recorded especially for children. I stand here today and pledge that we will hunt Kira Willey down and crush her. Her musical terrorism will not flourish on these shores.

The news coming out of the music industry this week reminds us of the hardship it faces due to the millions of free digitial downloads swapping hands on a daily basis. This is American ingenuity at its best and I salute all of you illegal downloaders for your efforts. You are helping to bring this evil monster to its knees and I am humbled. I would like to see my administration do everything it can to accelerate the demise of the music industry which all of you have already enacted. In this same spirit, my transition team has recommended I post links to some of today's leading noise-making artists.

Let's begin with Lazer Crystal, from Chicago, Illinois. Their unique blend of post-80's dance rock and cocaine-fueled New Wave beats makes my heart convulse in the best way possible. I would also like to draw America's attention to The Black Bug, a scruffy-haired group of such impulsive troublemakers that even their idols Suicide would be scrambling towards an exit sign.

Finally, I would like to remind my fellow Americans that Avenpitch are still doing their best to get a drunken America off the couch and onto the dancefloor with their latest album Cast Off, which poses the musical question: what if the Swimming Pool Q's had actually been hyped up on youth instead of hair gel? Loathe though I am to advocate actually buying music, I strongly urge all Americans to listen to the free downloads from this album and decide for yourself: is this the haphazard direction I want my country to assume? Let me answer with a resounding, "Fuck, yeah!"

With that, let me open it up for some questions. You there in the back, with the Alkaline Trio hairdo.

Reporter: Good morning. Long time reader, first time questioner. I'd like to know if this long-winded overly-indulgent prank press conference--obviously a copy-and-paste pastiche from an actual press conference held by President-Elect Barack Obama--was simply a way to write about some bands you happen to like without having to reference their work too much, thus ensuring the full intent of this blog which is, to put it lightly, to stroke your massive ego?

Disco:Very: No comment. This press conference is over. I have spoken! [sudden thunderclap; winged monkeys chase reporters from the room in a violent frenzy.]

1 comment:

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