Disco:Very: I'm hoping to get in touch with downbeat indie folk spokesman of a generation Elliot Smith.
Lisa Williams: First off I will need a personal item of the deceased.
Disco:Very: How about this used copy of Figure 8, the last album he'll ever release (barring endless posthumous recordings dug up by his family in an effort to pad their royalty checks for the next 20 years)?
Lisa Wiliams: I'm frightfully sorry but in order for me to channel the energy of the dead, the personal item needs to have been owned by the deceased. Did Elliot Smith himself personally touch this recording?
Disco:Very: [Sobbing] Every song he ever wrote was touched by him personally! [Shreiking in pain] NOBODY WHO WAS A REAL FAN OF ELLIOT SMITH WOULD EVER ASK A QUESTION LIKE THAT!!!
The Reading Commences
Lisa Williams: We are about to enter the Spirit World. Basically I act as a bridge. I go between the physical reality to which you are accustomed and enter what I call The Energy Sphere which is where your dearly departed Elliot Smith resides. You might say I'm like a waiter--I take requests from you, the hungry customer and I pass your request on to the Chef, i.e. the deceased. And the deceased will whip up a scrumptious dish of Spirit Wisdom, served with a side order of Tears, Hugs and Understanding. For dessert, we offer a scoop of Closure. And then I present you with a whopping check.
Disco:Very: Can I pay with Food Stamps?
Entering the Spirit Sphere
Lisa Williams: I'm sensing something...I'm sensing a reflection, something shiny...
Disco:Very: [Excited] Is it the dark mirror which Elliot Smith held up to society so as to make us more aware of our own pain and suffering?!?
Lisa Williams: It appears to have a handle at the end...
Disco:Very: [Bored] Oh. It's probably the knife he used to stab himself in the chest. [Yawns.]
Lisa Williams: Would you like to communicate something to Elliot Smith?
Disco:Very: Yes, yes I would. Elliot, can I get a refund of $14.99? Its the amount I spent on Either/Or back when it first came out and after only the first verse of the first song, I immediately felt cheated.
Lisa Williams: Elliot is trying to say something back...I see an F and a U...an F and a U...
Disco:Very: Who knew that a overly-depressed heroin addict could be so feisty? And would spell "Fuck You" incorrectly?
The Conduit to the Spirit World Wraps It Up
Lisa Williams: Is there anything else you'd like to convey to your dearly departed?
Disco:Very: Sure thing. Elliot, if there really is a Rock and Roll Heaven, does that mean everyone and anyone up there is allowed to join the band? Sure, you want John Lennon to take part in some capacity, and maybe Jimi Hendrix (if he promises to keep the guitar wankery to a minimum) but are you obligated to allow Sonny Bono to take part? Or Sublime vocalist Bradley Nowell?
Lisa Williams: He appears to be fading...I seem to be losing him...
Disco:Very: Please tell me he isn't darting away to rehearse for any upcoming Heatmiser reunions...