Monday, April 23, 2012
Disco:Very: I'm calling to find out your store return policy, specifically a vinyl album I just purchased at your Record Store Day sale.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: Was there something wrong with it?
Disco:Very: So many things wrong with it! I don't even know where to begin! First off, it was a special limited-edition vinyl copy of Nicki Minaj's masterpiece Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded and as we all know, Roman is an avatar of Miss Minaj, but because Nicki and Roman share so many aesthetic and representational similarities, the alter ego of Roman is barely perceptible!
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Sounding confused.] Um, OK, so you're just unsatisfied with the music? And the record itself isn't broken or whatever?
Disco:Very: That's not the worst of it, my friend. The album was pressed on pink vinyl but but instead of, say, Pantone 18-2133, it's more like salmon or a dark apricot color when, clearly, it was supposed to be the color of Nicki's labia minora.
Unnamed Local Record Store: Her what?
Disco:Very: Her labia minora.
Unnamed Local Record Store: [Pause.] I don't know...uh...
Disco:Very: It's a type of flower.
Unnamed Local Record Store: So it's a type of flower on the cover?
Disco:Very: No, no. It's a type of flower which women enjoy carrying around. Lots of women have them, though not all of them.
Unnamed Local Record Store: [Completely lost in thought.] Uh...
Disco:Very: You can just ask any woman in the store the color of her labia minora. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Unnamed Local Record Store: Well, we're pretty busy here and...
Disco:Very: You can just call it out on the microphone, on the PA system in the store. You should just say into the microphone "Will the female customers and employees please bring your labia minora to the cash register please?".
Unnamed Local Record Store: Hang on. [Muffled sounds--appears to be asking a female employee how to handle this call. Female employee seems to know what a labia minora is, hangs up the phone without speaking to me.]
Labels: jokes involving testicles are always comedy gold--hands down, pranks, Record Store Day is My Playground
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Disco:Very: [Big breath, pause.] There is a remarkable moment when one listens to an album by Florence & the Machine when one realizes they are on a journey of the soul, and all of our hopes, dreams and desires are being laid out before us, naked yet shrouded, vulnerable yet wrought with bravery, and it is during these occasions when we find ourselves floating into the ether of togetherness, for we are at one with Florence & the Machine, and the artistic vision therein, and we are alone, straddling the blurry uncharted land where the sun meets the stars, exemplified by the sounds one hears in between each of their songs; for these quiet fleeting emotions have been captured on a limited-edition 10-inch Record Store Day release, made up entirely of the sounds one hears when Florence & the Machine is not performing, and I am hoping, yearning, praying that your store will have this silent recording, comprised entirely of the space between the songs. Yae, verrily: a record of nothing. Do you have this record, kind madam?
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [No response.]
Disco:Very: I can hear you breathing.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [No response.]
Disco:Very: And it is like the opening of a swan's wing, the awning of--.
Unnamed Local Record Store: [Hangs up.]
Friday, April 20, 2012
Disco:Very: And a good morning to you, sir! I'm very excited about Record Store Day tomorrow and I have a few questions I'm hoping you can answer.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: Sure, go ahead.
Disco:Very: I'm told there will be a special limited-edition 5-inch vinyl release of Sun Ra performing the hits of Yo La Tengo available for purchase.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Pauses.] Well...no, uh, are you sure it's not the other way around? I would think more that Yo La Tengo would be covering the songs of Sun Ra. That would make more sense.
Disco:Very: No, no, I'm pretty sure it's Sun Ra covering Yo La Tengo. They were a big influence on him. He was a huge fan of their indie rock sound.
Unnamed Local Record Store: Well...plus Sun Ra has been dead for a few years so...
Disco:Very: I'm not sure of the particulars. I only know that it's been pressed on colored vinyl and the vinyl colors mirror that of J.Crew color descriptions: cinnamon, rosemary...things like that.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Pauses, obviously not interested in dealing with a record-collector train wreck.] Um, OK. I can check our listings.
Disco:Very: The most important thing to know is that this is very limited. There will only be two pressings.
Unnamed Local Record Store: So, two runs of, like, 1000 each or...?
Disco:Very: No, just two records total. And the vinyl pressing plant which made them has been destroyed--completely burned to the ground--to ensure that these two copies can never be duplicated ever again.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Silence. Dawns on him this is a prank.]
Disco:Very: [Speaking quickly, so as not to lose the call.] Also, all the employees at the pressing plant were blinded immediately after the two records rolled off the conveyer belt, thus certifying that they would never again be able to take part in the production of 2 records so lovely and singular. It's as if God Himself crafted these records out of his golden tablets.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Laughs.] You're a fucking asshole. [Hangs up.]
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
There are those who would tell you Alabama Shakes and Rubblebucket are two new bands into which you should be plugging your earbuds, but I am here to warn you, children, that these are freshly-shaved lies. The morally reprehensible Alabama Shakes sport the most generic, lame-ass bar-band sound you could ever muster, tailor-made/readymade for Bonnaroo burnouts; Rubblebucket are the polar opposite, pushing so far at appearing quirky, you can only respond by patting them on the head and pointing them towards the cut-out bin which they'll soon be inhabiting. The hype machine surrounding these yawn-inducing embarrassments must be avoided above all else. These are dangerous times to be a music lover, and we need to protect each other from all this lethal danger to our tastes.
Monday, April 02, 2012
Willis Earl Beal is this year's hot new outsider artist but I don't see him as anything interesting, special or unique, and I'm OK with that. May I please go now?