Monday, August 06, 2007

Current Crank Calls

[First in a random, every-once-in-a-while series.]
Music Store Geek: Thanks for calling [name of local alternative rock record chain store].
Disco:Very: Hi, how're you doing? I was just at your store and I bought a copy of the new Smashing Pumpkins CD Zeitgeist...
Music Store Geek: [Clearly not interested] Uh huh...
Disco:Very: And, oh my gawd, I love that band. Don't you?
Music Store Geek: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure.
Disco:Very: [Using a campy Paul Lynne-like voice] Lo-o-o-ove th-e-e-em!
Music Store Geek: [No response.]
Disco:Very Anyway, I just got home with it and just opened it and I noticed it doesn't have the Certificate of Semen.
Music Store Geek: [Pause.] I'm sorry?
Disco:Very: It doesn't have the Certificate of Semen.
Music Store Geek: You mean, like, a song?
Disco:Very: No, no, it's--
Music Store Geek: One of the tracks is missing?
Disco:Very: No, no, the Certificate of Semen. You didn't hear about this special offer Billy Corgan is having where he's issuing his semen to his fans?
Music Store Geek: [Confused, lost] Uh, no...uh, let me put you on hold for a second.

[Music Store Geek puts me on hold. Someone else--a manager?--picks up.]

Music Store Manager Geek: This is [name]. Can I help you with something?
Disco:Very: Hi. I just bought a copy of Zeitgeist, the newest masterpiece by Smashing Pumpkins and it was supposed to have a certificate inside which you can mail in and then Billy Corgan sends you a vial of semen.
Music Store Manager Geek: [Pause] Uh huh...what?
Disco:Very: There was an article in Pitchfork about it. And I have the receipt for my purchase.
Music Store Manager Geek: [Long pause] So it's a certificate on the CD?
Disco:Very: No, no, see..apparently, Billy Corgan believes he is so awesome and...I mean, I'm not knocking the dude, 'cuz I think he's awesome, too! But he has come to the realization that he is so above everyone else in talent and intellect and everything, that he has decided it would benefit mankind to have millions of his sperm distributed around the world. You know, so, like, he can create a new race of supreme beings that are as smart and talented as he is. So the first 80,000 CDs were supposed to have this certificate--
Music Store Manager Geek: Well maybe you got one without the certificate because you didn't end up buying--
Disco:Very: Well, OK, but the thing is--
Music Store Manager Geek: --one of the first 80,000 copies.
Disco:Very: --my CD has the sticker on the front. It has the sticker on the front that says "This CD certified to contain one Certificate of Semen", and that's why I bought it. I wouldn't have bought one if it didn't have the sticker on it. So I'm hoping to exchange it for another one which has the sticker...
Music Store Manager Geek: [Pause, trying to decide what to do] Hang on a sec. Let me check the racks.

[Puts me on hold. Eventually comes back.]

Music Store Manager Geek: OK, none of the copies we have in stock have that sticker. None of them have a sticker mentioning a certificate. There's a sticker mentioning the hits on the album but that's about it.
Disco:Very [Trying my best to make my voice crack with sadness] So there aren't any certificates left??
Music Store Manager Geek: So that just means everyone else snatched up the other copies--
Disco:Very: But my copy says, I mean, it has the sticker--
Music Store Manager Geek: --the other 80,000 copies, you know? You snooze, you lose.
Disco:Very: [In a hurt, snide voice] But I wasn't snoozing! I bought one of the 80,000 copies fair and square and now your store is denying me the right to breed some of Corgan's babies!
Music Store Manager Geek: [No response]
Disco:Very: [Increasingly shrill] And I want to know what your store plans to do about it!
Music Store Manager Geek: [No response]
Music Store Manager Geek: [Finally figures out the ruse, hangs up]


anandamide said...

Well done, Disco.

As a compensation, you will soon be receiving a vial in the mail. Not Billy Corgan, but someone I consider similarly brilliant.

jonderneathica said...

Well done, indeed. Rumor has it that Rod Stewart nabbed most of those certificates, but the greedy old bastard had to have his stomach pumped! Hey, I recognize that bald dude Anandamide. Isn't he the singer for Savath & Savalas?

Anonymous said...

oh. my. gawd.

disco:very . . . i think i LUV yoouuuu!!!!

Disco:Very said...

Anonymous, you don't "luv" me. You're just in "luv" with love. Hasn't Dr. Phil taught you anything???