A Doom Metal Announcement

[Sung to the tune of Seance by Furze.]

I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I wi-i-i-i-illlllll be-e-e-e-e-e-e-e
a-a-a-a-awa-a-a-a-a-ay fo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-rrrrrr a we-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-k
a-a-ate-e-e-ndi-i-i-i-innng The Telluride Film Festival

I-i-i-i-ffff I-I-I-I-I-I-I do-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-n-nt re-e-e-e-e-etu-u-u-u-unnn,
it w-i-i-i-i-lllll be-e-e-e-e be-e-e-e-eca-a-a-use
I joi-oi-oi-oinnned The Demonic Order in the Eternal Fascist's Hall.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 14]

Thelonius Monster - The Boldness of Style EP (12" EP on Relativity Records, 1987)

Although they were often simply thought of as the West Coast version of The Replacements, the Los Angeles sextet Thelonius Monster never quite reached the ramshackle pinnacles of their Minneapolis counterpart (read: they didn't drink as much). This 3-track EP contains the college rock/funk single Walk on Water (produced by Flea, fittingly) from their sophomore LP and two unreleased tracks (one of which is a live recording and probably the only officially-released example of their who-gives-a-fuck live act.) Although a number of their other LPs are now available on iTunes, this one is not. Thus I feel secure that by posting this download, I will not be harassed by The Man. Will the band itself force me to cease and desist? Only time will tell.

Disco:Very Reviews an Amos Lee Concert in Limerick Form

There once was a Lee named Amos
His faux-folk schtick made him famous
His concert in our town
Made us all scowl and frown
His songs are shit--can you blame us?

Calexico was dullish backing band
Main ingredient: music quite bland
Slow beats and strum-a, strum-a
Makes for show of total bumm-a
Can't this type of stuff be banned?

At times, band numbered thirteen
Including pointless tambourine
Too many musicians
Urges one to petition
To replace them all with machines

Drummer looked like senior citizen
Makes for pathetic depiction
His balding grey head
Made him look almost dead
To play for whole show he needs insulin

Guitarist's dress code elicited "Why???"
Due to skinny jeans and skinnier tie
Looked just like a bloke
Who would play for The Strokes
Or Joe Jackson or Eye to Eye

One song was about "Our Troops"
It made me take mental poops
Flag waving refrain
Brought tears to my brain
Thought: "The level to which this man stoops!"

Audience was mostly white meat
Had trouble clapping to the beat
Lee wants to be Black
But true soul he does lack
His street cred a total conceit

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 13]

Alix Dobkin - xxAlix (LP on Ladyslipper Records, 1980)

Now that we have a Lesbian President, can we finally allow ourselves to have a laugh over this awesome aural relic? This is Camp of the highest order, every track dripping with irony-free earnest fist-in-the-air political fury (and all of it, remarkably, still available for purchase on cassette). How can you not love an album who lists the name of a key musician as River Lightwomoon and credits the album graphics as being "Typeset with Lesbian love by J. DeMaris Hearn, a Lesbian typographer"? As for the music, well, make no mistake about it: we're in total post-Ferron territory here. If you're a Grrrl wanting to get your riot on, you're about 20 years too early. For those of you reading this who are shocked by my audacity to poke some fun at what some would see as a sacred artifact, may I simply argue that my qualifications are in order. It would be remiss of me to defend myself by stating that some of my best friends are lesbians but...um, [ahem]: Some of my best friends are Lesbians.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 12]

Carmaig de Forest - I Shall Be Released LP (Good Foot Records, 1987)

Mixing the bone-dry wit of Woody Allen, the rejected romantic disillusionment of early Elvis Costello and the scrappy political passions of Billy Bragg (if he was brave enough to play ukelele), the debut effort from punk/folk troubadour Carmaig de Forest should have been a much bigger hit than it actually was. One could say the stripped-down rawk arrangements could be attributed to the record's producer Alex Chilton, but music this acerbic doesn't need much more than what's already here to prove its point.  I wish de Forest was still making albums like this--in today's wacko political environment, his sardonic take is sorely needed.

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 11]

Los Jilguerillos del Naranjo - Los Jilguerillos del Naranjo LP (Canon Records, Unknown Year)
My shaky comprehension of even the most simplistic Spanish does not keep me away from an old-fashioned stripped-to-the-basics Norteño hoedown.  Forget all the hyped-up techno-electro schlock you hear from today's Conjunto acts.  This shit is the bomb--even more so since the "O" in the charming Canon Records logo resembles one.  I know absolutely nothing about this band (I can't even figure out what the band's name means in English) and merely purchased it on its colorful graphics alone.  Does that make me shallow?  (And does this shallowness make my butt look big?)

With Only 39 Years Left to Live, It's Time I Finally Got Around to Digitizing My Cassette & Vinyl Collection [Part 10]

The Texas Instruments - The Texas Instruments LP (Rabid Cat Records, 1987)

It's almost quaint to listen to the debut self-titled album by Austin's The Texas Instruments and remember how, for some of us, this hybrid of souped-up post-hardcore and politicized country punk was going to somehow eradicate all the backwards governing during the years of The Gipper.  Now we have Michelle Bachman as a front runner for the 2012 election and the loonies are strategizing to run the asylum.  Oh well.  At least now I can upload this LP to my iPod and pretend it's making Zombie Reagan spin in his grave.

Would You Like to Try a Sample Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

To those who are suckers for those moments when a band uses a noteworthy sample for a moderately interesting twee-pop song, be sure to check out Your Own Religion by TV Girl, which employs sections of Yama Yama by The Yamasukis. That is all.

That's Why Darkness Was Born

Thank goodness the dour art-damaged early-80's are over, allowing us the emotional distance to observe bands like Danny & the Parkins Sisters from a safe distance. The Mein Leben ist Scheiße Welt mindset on such tracks as This World is Bleak, War (Is On Your Doorstep) and On My Block (with its deliciously overwrought delivery of such couplets as Black boots/Bag o' loot/No one's gonna/Tell you the truth!) is enough to make you mainline Percocet. My own vinyl copy of this 8-track post-punk (but seemingly pre-rehearsal) masterpiece can now be sold to the highest bidder thanks to Chapter Music reissuing it on CD (yes, this occurred a year ago but don't mock me for only discovering this now--I've been very busy), even seeing fit to pad it with 10 extra tracks of live recordings and demos (such as We Are Indians, which has all the political correctness of a Sondra Lee dance routine). Buy this CD and relive the heady days when underground music was gleefully giving Reagan the finger with every note they played.

If There is a Jukebox in Heaven, I'll Bet It Never Requires Any Coins (Nor Would It Require Electricity) (Or Records)

Almost three years after the unbearably sad death of Lux Interior, I am now on Stage 6 of the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief: listening to The Cramps Jukebox over and over and over in the vein hope that repeat listens of this 2-CD set will miraculously bring him back to life. Songs on this (authorized?) CD, such as Did You Mean Jelly Bean (by Joe Clay), Bila (by The Versatones), Real Wild Child (by Ivan), Olds Mo William (by Paul Peek) and Jennie Lee (by Jan & Arnie) are but a shallow balm for all the pain and loss in which I am still very much engaged. I'm so terribly lonely and cold. Hold me.