It's All In Your Mind, Jenna Elfman

It stands to reason that the not-at-all-psychotic religion Scientology needs more money now that they'll be spending millions fighting fraud in a French courtroom. It's a shame potential celeb contributors who might be able to assist financially are either dead (Sonny Bono, Isaac Hayes) or their careers are (Karen Black, Edgar Winter). What's a murderous secretive cult to do? Thank goodness Beck stepped up to the plate (or the altar or the severed goat's head or whatever the fuck they use in their weird-ass Scientology services) to reissue his mostly-acoustic 1994 opus One Foot in the Grave. While it might not net the big bucks Tom Cruise brought them on...uh, Lions for Lambs (cough), there should be enough owners of the original release who'd want to shell out $16 clams for the 16 additional outtakes (including Feather In Your Cap, Mattress, Whiskey Can Can and It's All In Your Mind) which round out this collection. But it's not like Mr. Hansen isn't trying to do his part in keeping the Good Ship Scientology from sinking--heck, if his acting job as the ice cream scooper nerd in that new Verizon commercial is any indication, he's going to be padding the Scientology coffers for a long time to come! [Update: The Verizon commercial has been removed so this last joke is now lost to history, but trust me--the dude looked exactly like Beck.]

"Aleister, Come Out to Play-ee-ay..."

Who is Aleister X and when is his debut CD ever going to come out? His hybrid mash-up of Stiff Records-era Wreckless Eric, Ian Dury and the sloppy/slappy disco of Captain Sensible is a 4/4 rock 'n' roll rave-up and a New Wave pogo party at the same time, all the while never removing some of the most ghostly pancake make-up ever affixed to a face. (Bonus points for the couplet, "That friend of Pete's is a fucking twit/That creepy cunt tosser is a real tom tit.") You'd think being linked with Andrew WK would have given him a dozen hits three times over but, so far as I can tell, nothing is yet available for purchase. Join me, then, as I offer these ultra-lo-fi rough-mix downloads of a few of the better tracks at his MySpace page: Tom Tit, Bangers 'n' Beans and On Yr Todd. Something tells my gut I will be forced to remove all of them within a few days time, so grab them before Aleister kicks my butt for posting them. I don't mind telling you I'm afraid of what a guy who dresses like The Baseball Furies might do to me.

[Update: Aleister X now has all of his should-be-hits on iTunes, all of them waiting for you to take them home and make them your own.]

Christianity Declares Major Victory Over Hedonistic Homosexual Lifestyle Choice in Decisive Fight Over the Soul of America’s Youth

May 20, 11:44 PM EDT

By LYNN ELBER
AP Television Writer

LOS ANGELES (AP) – Religious activists across America were celebrating in the streets as clean-cut Christian vocalist Kris Allen took the most votes to become the 2009 American Idol, signaling what is seen by many leading experts as the final nail in the coffin for homosexuality.

Openly gay runner-up Adam Lambert fell far short of the votes needed to win this year’s competition, thus prohibiting him from overthrowing the Holy Kingdom of God, and his defeat has sent reverberations throughout the Christian community.

“It is such a relief that our faith has scored this huge victory,” said 15-year-old Ron Byrd of the Coalition Of Christian Kids (COCK). “Some might see American Idol as a fluffy, pointless singing competition but, in actuality, it’s a final battle of good vs. evil created by Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior to decide, once and for all, the final outcome over the souls of America’s youth. Tonight’s final tally makes Christian faith the true victor for all eternity.”

Almost immediately, homosexual social centers such as urban gay bars, lesbian knitting clubs and Banana Republic clothing boutiques began their shameful dismantling, conceding defeat to the onslaught of Christian votes which decided their fate forevermore.

“Although we do not agree with tonight’s decision, we accept it with humility and grace,” said the President and CEO of Gay America, Sandra Weibel in a written statement. “The Christian Right certainly showed us who is in charge. They have won in what is certainly the single most important face-off our two opposing lifestyles have ever faced, and now that they have outnumbered us for good, we will quietly close shop and never be heard from again.”

Many notable Christian activists such as Ted Haggard had spent the last 48 hours encouraging their followers to vote for Kris Allen over Adam Lambert in an effort to finally show the unrelenting Homosexual Cabal across America that Christianity would not shy away from this momentous crusade of Biblical proportions, as epitomized in a ratings-laden pop culture singing game show.

“Now that the death of Homosexuality has been fulfilled, the Coalition Of Christian Kids can move on to other important issues,” Byrd said. “COCK is very important in my life and has shown me the way to true happiness. COCK has been good to me and I want to devote more time to it, because I love COCK.”

Disco:Very Translates a Bad Press Release for Brightblack Morning Light

"Haunting, beautiful, and weird in equal doses..."
[Translation: They were too stoned to actually tune their guitars.]

"...Brightblack Morning Light's second album for Matador was recorded entirely under solar power in a remote adobe cabin in the New Mexican mesa..."
[Translation: They didn't have the money to pay their electric bill.]

"...Deeper and heftier than their much loved 2006 self-titled LP..."
[Translation: They discovered their rhyming dictionary has more pages than they initially thought.]

"...this record recalls musicians as diverse as Lee Perry, Bob Dylan, My Bloody Valentine, Neil Young, and Otis Redding..."
[Translation: They plagiarize from a wide variety of dead or near-dead artists for legal reasons.]

"...with sounds ranging from folk to gospel to experimental electronics..."
[Translation: Everything sounds the same to them after they ingest enough peyote.]

"...This impassioned ode to the natural world and traditional lifestyles is as political as it is personal..."
[Translation: They don't believe in taking showers.]

"...Nathan Shineywater and Rachael Hughes make their music for everyone..."
[Translation: Especially if they're White.]

"...but they have a special love for wild and sun drenched places..."
[Translation: They didn't have the money to pay their electric bill.]

"...far from the commercial distractions of the city and the crowds."
[Translation: Their parents cut off their Trust Funds.]