Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Disco:Very Celebrates 2012 Record Store Day, Black Friday Edition [By Being a Nuisance] - Part 1

Unnamed Local Record Store Chain:  [Name/Location of store], this is [name].
Disco:Very:  Happy Record Store Day, the Black Friday Edition.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Laughs] OK..yup.
Disco:Very:  I’m not sure if you’re into Coheed and Cambria.  They’re an epic metal prog band who totally rock my world with their epic songs, and their latest album, The Afterman: Ascension, is going to be part of an ongoing story line told in musical form about The Amory Wars.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Already losing interest--long pause.] OK.
Disco:Very: The Amory Wars is set in Heaven's Fence, a collection of 78 planets held in place by interconnecting beams of energy, known as the Keywork. The first half of the story narrates Coheed Kilgannon and Cambria Kilgannon's struggle against Wilhelm Ryan, the Supreme Tri-Mage (which is later referred to as the Archmage) and the second half of the story focuses on the heroic journey of their son, messianic Claudio Kilgannon. Over the course of the story, Claudio assumes the mantle of The Crowing, the epic foretold savior of Heaven's Fence. In the end, he will face the Archmage, absolute ruler of Heaven's Fence and the one ultimately responsible for the death of Claudio's family.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Laughs] OK, so did you have a question about that?
Disco:Very:  Dude, it’s an epic tale of good vs. evil and these albums only chronicle the opening chapters.  It’s going to be so epic!
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: Did you want me to look an album up for you or...I mean...[Laughs nervously]...what exactly are you calling about?
Disco:Very: Well, the deluxe version of the album was released with a coffee-table book co-written by Claudio Sanchez and the epic writer Peter David, and it was intended to give a song-by-song experience of the epic concept album. The album follows The Amory Wars storyline, and concentrates on the character Sirius Amory.   But I heard there is going to be a special Deluxe Edition which contains a new version of the coffee-table book which has three new additional pages added.  So I was hoping you could let me know what’s on these three additional pages.
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: Well, I can't really do that over the phone.  Why don't you come in and we'll check it out that way, OK?
Disco:Very: [Trying to keep him on the phone as long as possible.]  Plus this new edition will contain glossy illustrations of each character depicted in the story, plus a sticker showing a battle scene from The Amory Wars, and a slim booklet explaining how to listen to and understand the concepts of the album, a removable tattoo depicting the heroic battle of Coheed Kilgannon and Cambria Kilgannon as they struggle against Wilhelm Ryan, and a pen and pencil set with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a coffee mug with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a pair of chopsticks with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a box of dark chocolate made of 86% Cacao with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a stack of Post-It Notes with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a pair of bedroom slippers with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a framed portrait of the Coheed and Cambria logo, a Power Balance hologram bracelet which uses holographic technology to resonate with and respond to the natural energy field of the body and increase sporting ability with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a jar of mayonnaise with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a VooDoo doll with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a thumb tack with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it, a beach towel with the Coheed and Cambria logo on it--
Unnamed Local Record Store Chain: [Interrupts.] I don't have time for this shit [Hangs up].
Disco:Very: Hello?  Are you still there?  Hello?

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