Thursday, March 27, 2008
Old Farts at Play
CLEVELAND – The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum breaks ground today on its newest feature, the You're Not Necessary Nursing Home and Euthanasia Insta-Clinic, which is scheduled for completion in early 2009. This new facility will house past-it performers who, after being forcibly removed from irrelevant tours plugging recent releases, will be sedated into retirement using a potent mixture of lobotomy-inducing drugs.
"Sadly," explains Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum President and CEO Terry Stewart, "The idea for a rock and roll nursing home was in the planning stages just as we heard about the upcoming albums by such give-it-up-already artists as The Breeders, R.E.M. and The B-52's. If we had conceptualized it, say, a year earlier, the illegal-downloading public would have been saved from having to endure these wrinkled nothings as they attempt to regain their artistic footing long after it has already withered away like so many thinning hairdos."
"Around here," he continues proudly, "We call these types of albums 'musical comb-overs'".
While the nursing home component of this facility will be off-limits to the general public, the Euthanasia Insta-Clinic will be a fun-filled exhibit for the whole family, allowing paying visitors to "pull the plug" on their favorite musical artists whose spotlight should have been extinguished long before they embarked on yet another reunion tour or, in the case of R.E.M., the dreaded loud-guitars-show-we-haven't-lost-our-balls grand comeback album.
Some of the more notable mercy killings at the Euthanasia Insta-Clinic will take a somewhat creative bent. The B-52's, for instance, will be killed by being forced to wear breathable cotton fabrics (or, if necessary, plaid). In the case of The Breeders, it will involve reintroducing them to the pleasures of heroin.
This new facility is financed in part by the generous corporate sponsorship of Jim Beam, Taco Bell and Mix 106.5 FM.
For more information, contact the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum at (216) 781-ROCK.