Demise of R.E.M. Spurs Related Performers to Step Up Their Game

September 22, 2011
Disco:Very, Athens, GA

Yesterday’s surprising announcement by classic-rockers R.E.M. that, after 31 years of success, they will be calling it quits, led many in the music industry to mark the passing of an era.

But not so for the iconic dancers in the famous music video for“Stand”, who are now ready to take the spotlight for themselves. “Our group has been practicing day and night for the last 23 years, preparing for this very moment, and they’re now ready to shine!”, says Sandra Foley, representative of The Stand Dancers who, upon hearing the news of R.E.M.’s break-up, have scheduled a 6-month worldwide tour to coincide with renewed interest in the band.

Foley promises that every Stand Dancer will be present on stage, including fan favorites Tall Geeky Guy Wearing a Muscle Shirt While Being Skinny as a Q-Tip and Sporting a Most Unfortunate Ponytail and Token Dreadlock Woman Wearing a Questionable Choice of Knee-High Black Socks with Loafers While Wanting to Dance in a More Funky Manner But Is Clearly Held Back by the Half-Assed Indie Rock Rhythms.

“The popularity of The Stand Dancers has never been stronger,” Foley continues. “So to please their many fans, they’ll be performing everyone’s favorite moves: Kick, Jump, Arm Jive, Turnaround, as well as…well, that’s the only dance step they’ve got right now, actually.”

Because The Stand Dancers’ routine amounts to barely 2 minutes of screen time in the timeless video, Foley has promised that the rest of the 3-hour performance will be filled with appearances from other R.E.M.-related superstars, including: The Boy Rummaging Through the Detritus of a Messy Abandoned Home (the boy is now a bloated 33-year-old unmarried father of five children), Big Nosed Curly-Haired Woman Resembling Michael Stipe in Drag Who Dramatically Looks Left and Then Right, and Every Single Person Suffering in Silence During an Emotionally-Painful Traffic Jam.

Grandma Got Run Over By the Art School Performance Artist Equivalent of a Reindeer

Hmmm. Yeah, I remember the first time I watched Liquid Sky...

Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion. (And their inability to realize how foolish they look.)

My pre-concert rituals are exacting and precise. The morning of the show, I greet the Sun God with some naked Iyengar Yoga while drinking Ashwagandha Tea, which combats stress and restores serenity. I dress myself in a pair of flowing Nomad Eco Pants (which I bought to wear at Burning Man five years ago) and a dark blue Onno brand organic bamboo tee. Right before bicycling my way to the concert, I smoke a heapful of Salvia for the spirit/flesh rejuvenation I will be experiencing. As soon as I am at the concert, I respond to the music with Ecstatic Dance and Spiritual Movement , letting my Chakra spell out the rhythms and lead me to an enlightened level of no return. After 9 hours of this, I usually forget where I parked my bike and I end up hitching home with one of my shoes missing.

Darling Indie Band Dies of Quirk Poisoning

By Disco:Very
Published: September 8, 2011

The Portland, Oregon indie band Jared Mees and The Grown Children have been found dead, local authorities say, due to poisoning from repeated doses of quirkiness.

Their compositions often consisted of mostly wacky, non-rock instruments (trumpet, plastic egg maracas, a girl percussionist who also sings backup while using hand signals to act out the lyrics, a band member's dog howling in unison on one of the songs, etc) as well as unending amounts of wordless ba-da-ba-da-ba-da choruses.

The quirk factor which so rapidly took their lives first infected them when the band's whimsical name was invented, and the killer cuteness only increased exponentially when the title of their debut CD Only Good Thoughts Can Stay, was christened. This quaint the-sun-will-come-out-tomorrow CD title was the first indication that the deadly quirkiness was spreading much faster than initially thought.

Their condition worsened with each charming live show and music video involving daffy hats and vintage eyewear. Friends and family of Jared Mees and The Grown Children knew it would only be a matter of time before the band was crushed under the weight of its own cleverness.

The final nail in the coffin was their decision (sadly all-too-common from most of today's indie outfits) to create a trailer for their latest album.

Because the band has influenced nobody nor made any lasting impact on today's popular culture, music lovers around the world, upon hearing the news of the band's demise, reportedly gave a collective shrug.

They are survived by Wes Anderson and Paste Magazine.

Live Blogging The 2011 Telluride Film Festival

I have an idea how Sony Pictures Classics can market their forthcoming Holocaust survival flick In Darkness: "It's Schindler's List...filmed in tunnel vision!"  Also, they should consider changing the title to the catchier Sewer Jews.

George Clooney is here in person, apparently. This caused several people to riot, burn down dozens of theaters and march through the streets with Ken Burns' head impaled on a pitchfork.

This year's Guest Director (and one of my musical heros) Caetano Veloso is signing autographs today, and I've brought several CD's for him to mark up. Here's how I hope it will go down:

Disco:Very: Good evening, Caetano. You are but a god.
Caetano Veloso: Thank you, Disco:Very. You are one of my idols.
Disco:Very: When you give me the signal, I will overthrow the U.S. Government and smash the capitalist pigs.
Caetano Veloso: The time to end America's reign of terror is upon us!
Disco:Very: Viva Los Gringos!

Here is how it will really go down:

Disco:Very: Good evening, Caetano. You are one of my favorite musicians and--
Caetano Veloso: [Quickly signs my CD with a rubber stamp bearing his signature.] Done. Next!!