Demise of R.E.M. Spurs Related Performers to Step Up Their Game

September 22, 2011
Disco:Very, Athens, GA

Yesterday’s surprising announcement by classic-rockers R.E.M. that, after 31 years of success, they will be calling it quits, led many in the music industry to mark the passing of an era.

But not so for the iconic dancers in the famous music video for“Stand”, who are now ready to take the spotlight for themselves. “Our group has been practicing day and night for the last 23 years, preparing for this very moment, and they’re now ready to shine!”, says Sandra Foley, representative of The Stand Dancers who, upon hearing the news of R.E.M.’s break-up, have scheduled a 6-month worldwide tour to coincide with renewed interest in the band.

Foley promises that every Stand Dancer will be present on stage, including fan favorites Tall Geeky Guy Wearing a Muscle Shirt While Being Skinny as a Q-Tip and Sporting a Most Unfortunate Ponytail and Token Dreadlock Woman Wearing a Questionable Choice of Knee-High Black Socks with Loafers While Wanting to Dance in a More Funky Manner But Is Clearly Held Back by the Half-Assed Indie Rock Rhythms.

“The popularity of The Stand Dancers has never been stronger,” Foley continues. “So to please their many fans, they’ll be performing everyone’s favorite moves: Kick, Jump, Arm Jive, Turnaround, as well as…well, that’s the only dance step they’ve got right now, actually.”

Because The Stand Dancers’ routine amounts to barely 2 minutes of screen time in the timeless video, Foley has promised that the rest of the 3-hour performance will be filled with appearances from other R.E.M.-related superstars, including: The Boy Rummaging Through the Detritus of a Messy Abandoned Home (the boy is now a bloated 33-year-old unmarried father of five children), Big Nosed Curly-Haired Woman Resembling Michael Stipe in Drag Who Dramatically Looks Left and Then Right, and Every Single Person Suffering in Silence During an Emotionally-Painful Traffic Jam.